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Thread: Jokes

  1. #661
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    " Yeah, some days are better than others, ya know ? My Mother-in-law wanted a part time job. She was lucky it was Halloween. They hired her at " Spookyworld " ,......

    .... as a greeter .

  2. #662
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    " An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ...... monkey bottoms "

  3. #663
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    The yearly visit of the ruler was approaching and the local headman wanted everything to be perfect. He gathered all the village women together and began the difficult process of synchronizing their ululation. "Remember, the moment Sultan Jack Ibn Saalad steps from his Rolls Royce you must all begin at once. Any mistiming will greatly displease our "great" ruler with terrible consequences for the offender."

    This would be Sheila's first time in the chorus and she was eager to impress her ruler. She anticipated the headmans hand coming down to signal the start and began a half beat ahead of the rest. "La-la-la-la-la"...."Stop!, Stop! Stop!" yelled the headman. "Now Sheila, we've talked about this in training, control your breath, focus your mind and wait for my hand to come all the way down", "If you screw up in the presence of the Sultan it will mean your head!" They began once again, but still Sheila couldn't control herself. After the sixth try with no improvement the headman said quietly to the assistant by his side, "It's always sad to see someone with premature Jack ululation"

  4. #664
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    A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm, not good," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

    The owner was stunned, "Put him down just because he's cross-eyed?"

    "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  5. #665
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck View Post
    203 = 8000 and 8001 is triangular. That's pretty close.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ken G View Post
    Mathematicians have a much different relationship with "pretty close" than physicists do!
    This pair of posts reminded me of an old joke.....


    A mathematician, a scientist, and a engineer are asked to prove or disprove, by example, that all odd numbers are prime.

    Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime - disproved.

    Scientist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 isn't prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime.... only had to throw out two data points - proved.

    Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime....

    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  6. #666
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    ...And if they got married, his name would be Darth Fitzgerald!

    Wait, that's not right...
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  7. #667
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    Panicked Captain: "sos coastguard, this is the Portsmouth we are sinking!!"

    German Coastguard: *puzzled*

    Panicked Captain: "HELLO COASTGUARD PLEASE HELP WE ARE SINKING!!"

    German Coastguard: "Hello Portsmouth, what are you sinking about?"
    "Downwards is the only way forwards" Cobb

    Noting in science is proven actual

  8. #668
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    Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't stand up to vote because he had an embarrassing election?
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  9. #669
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    Why did the dragon eat everyone in the party except the bard?

    He didn't want to get minstrel cramps.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  10. #670
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    " Sometimes , when my eyes are closed , I think to myself : ' Maybe I shouldn't be driving right now . '

  11. #671
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    Since the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it's one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  12. #672
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    Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing Hide and Go Seek. Einstein is "it", while Pascal and Newton are hiding.

    Pascal runs off and hides, but Newton doesn't move. Instead, he reaches down and draws a square around himself in the dirt.

    Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and turns around. "Found you Newton, that was easy?"

    Newton says, "You didn't find me, you found Pascal." He points to the square in the dirt; "One Newton per meter squared".
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  13. #673
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    What do dog skeletons bury in their backyards?

    Meat?
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  14. #674
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    I'd say that ad is a pretty good representation of UGA football right now.

  15. #675
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    A grey goose walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
    The bartender brings him his beer and says, "Hey, you know we have a vodka named after you?"
    The goose says, "You have a vodka named Mike?"

    A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a beer and a bag of chips please".
    The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
    The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
    Last edited by Swift; 2018-Sep-17 at 07:13 PM.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  16. #676
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    Have you heard about the latest craze?

    Corduroy pillows.

    They are making headlines everywhere!

  17. #677
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    Sir Barry Phelps is seen sitting in a reserved area for the Wimbledon final, the seat next to him empty.

    An acquaintance sees this and calls out to him, “Sir Phelps, why the empty seat next to you?”,

    Sir Phelps, raising an eyebrow, responds, “My dear sir, it was reserved for Lady Phelps, but she just passed away...”.

    The acquaintance asks, “But Sir Phelps couldn’t you have given in to a friend?”.

    Sir Phelps, “Not possible my dear chap, they are all at the funeral.”

  18. #678
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    A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

    "Pop", goes the weasel.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  19. #679
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

    "Pop", goes the weasel.
    That joke was rightfully mine.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  20. #680
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    A supermassive black hole walks into a bar.

    The punch line cannot be read as it lies beyond the event horizon.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  21. #681
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    A roman walks into a bar, holds up his forefinger and index finger, and says "Quinque beers placet".
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  22. #682
    That joke is absolutely ancient.
    From the wilderness to the cosmos.
    You can not be afraid of the wind, Enterprise: Broken Bow.
    https://davidsuniverse.wordpress.com/

  23. #683
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    A neutrino went into a bar and continued on out the back door.

    =========

    A proton went into a bar.

    "We don't serve electrons here!" said the bartender.

    "But I'm a proton!" cried the proton.

    "Are you sure?"

    "I'm positive!"

    ============

    A tyrannosaur went into a bar.

    "We don't serve predatory carnivores here!" said the bartender.

    "But I've changed!" cried the tyrannosaur. "I'm religious! I'm an ordained minister!"

    "Well, okay," said the bartender, "but don't let me catch you preying."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  24. #684
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    A subatomic particle went into a bar.

    "Pleased to meet you," it said to the bartender. "I'm a quark!"

    "Charmed, I'm sure."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  25. #685
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    A subatomic particle went into a bar.

    "To meet you, pleased I am," it said to the bartender. "A quark, am I."

    "And a strange one, too."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  26. #686
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Sedna, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "We're the toughest there is!" shouted Pluto. "Everyone runs from us!"

    "Baloney," said the bartender. "You haven't even cleared the neighborhood."


    .
    Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2018-Nov-07 at 11:57 PM. Reason: accidentally erased
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  27. #687
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    Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Sedna, and Orcus went into a bar.

    "Snow White's not here," said the bartender.

    "That's Grimm!" muttered the seven dwarf planets as they left.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  28. #688
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    A red dwarf went into a bar.

    "I'm Alpha Canis Majoris!" the red dwarf said.

    The bartender frowned. "You can't be Sirius."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  29. #689
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger E. Moore View Post
    "To meet you, pleased I am," it said to the bartender. "A quark, am I."
    The Yoda particle, it carries the Force.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  30. #690
    How charming these jokes are.
    From the wilderness to the cosmos.
    You can not be afraid of the wind, Enterprise: Broken Bow.
    https://davidsuniverse.wordpress.com/

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