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Thread: Jokes

  1. #721
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    Reality TV walks in and lowers the bar.
    I assume that was on an episode of either Fixer Upper or Bar Rescue.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  2. #722
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    A dyslexic walks into a bra.

    "Pardon me, ma'am" he says. Still gets slapped, though, and rightly so.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  3. #723
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    Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

    .
    Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2019-May-14 at 02:08 PM.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  4. #724
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    a frayed knot walks into a bar with a talking dog. The bartender says "is this some kind of joke?"
    sicut vis videre esto
    When we realize that patterns don't exist in the universe, they are a template that we hold to the universe to make sense of it, it all makes a lot more sense.
    Originally Posted by Ken G

  5. #725
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    Why did the lion cross the clearing?

    To get to the other pride.

  6. #726
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    The astronomer Leo Anton Karl de Ball went into a bar and looked around. "Say," he said to the patrons, "anyone know of a tennis club where I can practice?"

    "I run a tennis club," said one man.

    "Well," said the bartender, "looks like de Ball's in your court."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  7. #727
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    Quasimodo, Pavlov, and Big Ben walked into a bar and introduced themselves. "Surely you've heard of us," said Quasimodo.

    The bartender thought and shook his head. "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  8. #728
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    A man walks into a bar with a herd of female aurochs.

    "Hold it," said the bartender. "We don't serve your kine here."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  9. #729
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    Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.

    "Hold on," said the bartender, "I need to see some id."

    "I need a drink RIGHT NOW!" screamed Freud.

    "My bad," said the bartender, "I meant, I need to see some I.D."

    "Oh, here you go," said Freud, handing over his driver's license.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  10. #730
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    A man walks into a bar. "Does anyone know anything about trepanning?" he calls out.

    The bartender says, "Not off the top of my head."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  11. #731
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    Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, and radon were involved in a car accident. The doctors described their condition as stable.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  12. #732
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    A contortionist went into a bar and demanded a free drink.

    "Hey," said the bartender, "don't get bent out of shape."
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  13. #733
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    A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.

    What's the punchline?
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  14. #734
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.

    What's the punchline?
    A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.

    He says to the bartender, "I have survived multiple plane crashes!

  15. #735
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.

    What's the punchline?
    "I deliver the punch," said the boxer, "and he delivers the line!"

    "No one is laughing," said the bartender.
    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
    Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi (1883)

  16. #736
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    A young man asked his girlfriend to the prom. She said yes, so he went to buy her a corsage. There was a line at the flower store, so he had to stand in the corsage line.

    Then he went to rent a tuxedo, and had to stand in the tuxedo line.

    Then he went to rent a limo, and had to stand in the limo line.

    When they got to the prom, they had to wait outside in the entrance line.

    After they had danced for a while and sat down, she said she was hungry, so he went to the buffet and stood in the buffet line.

    He brought her the food, and she said she was thirsty. So, he went to the table with the punch bowl, but there was no punch line.
    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn

  17. #737
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    A machine gunner walks into a B.A.R.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  18. #738
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.

    What's the punchline?
    I just got it. Excellent

  19. #739
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    The Bartender asks, "What is the punchline?"

  20. #740
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    This may have been covered--but just in case

    Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another.
    Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears in a puff of logic.

  21. #741
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    Homer Simpson and his son walk into a bar and the Bart Ender opens fire on the kid.

  22. #742
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck View Post
    Homer Simpson and his son walk into a bar and the Bart Ender opens fire on the kid.
    Bart Ender thinks motion is an illusion! So don't talk to me about Ender's Game with a kid, he's on Zeno' side.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  23. #743
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    Why did the irredeemable villain get kicked out of the US Marines?

    Because he was rotten to the Corps.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  24. #744
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    What song did they play at Count Dracula's Comedy Central Roast?

    On the Sunny Side of the Street

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