1. " Yeah, some days are better than others, ya know ? My Mother-in-law wanted a part time job. She was lucky it was Halloween. They hired her at " Spookyworld " ,......

.... as a greeter .

2. " An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ...... monkey bottoms "

3. The yearly visit of the ruler was approaching and the local headman wanted everything to be perfect. He gathered all the village women together and began the difficult process of synchronizing their ululation. "Remember, the moment Sultan Jack Ibn Saalad steps from his Rolls Royce you must all begin at once. Any mistiming will greatly displease our "great" ruler with terrible consequences for the offender."

4. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm, not good," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

The owner was stunned, "Put him down just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

5. Originally Posted by Chuck
203 = 8000 and 8001 is triangular. That's pretty close.
Originally Posted by Ken G
Mathematicians have a much different relationship with "pretty close" than physicists do!
This pair of posts reminded me of an old joke.....

A mathematician, a scientist, and a engineer are asked to prove or disprove, by example, that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime - disproved.

Scientist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 isn't prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime.... only had to throw out two data points - proved.

Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime....

6. ...And if they got married, his name would be Darth Fitzgerald!

Wait, that's not right...

7. Panicked Captain: "sos coastguard, this is the Portsmouth we are sinking!!"

German Coastguard: *puzzled*

German Coastguard: "Hello Portsmouth, what are you sinking about?"

8. Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't stand up to vote because he had an embarrassing election?

9. Why did the dragon eat everyone in the party except the bard?

He didn't want to get minstrel cramps.

10. " Sometimes , when my eyes are closed , I think to myself : ' Maybe I shouldn't be driving right now . '

11. Since the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it's one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

12. Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing Hide and Go Seek. Einstein is "it", while Pascal and Newton are hiding.

Pascal runs off and hides, but Newton doesn't move. Instead, he reaches down and draws a square around himself in the dirt.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and turns around. "Found you Newton, that was easy?"

Newton says, "You didn't find me, you found Pascal." He points to the square in the dirt; "One Newton per meter squared".

13. What do dog skeletons bury in their backyards?

Meat?

14. Order of Kilopi
Join Date
Feb 2005
Posts
11,024
I'd say that ad is a pretty good representation of UGA football right now.

15. A grey goose walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender brings him his beer and says, "Hey, you know we have a vodka named after you?"
The goose says, "You have a vodka named Mike?"

A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a beer and a bag of chips please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
Last edited by Swift; 2018-Sep-17 at 07:13 PM.

16. Established Member
Join Date
Oct 2001
Posts
946
Have you heard about the latest craze?

Corduroy pillows.

17. Sir Barry Phelps is seen sitting in a reserved area for the Wimbledon final, the seat next to him empty.

An acquaintance sees this and calls out to him, “Sir Phelps, why the empty seat next to you?”,

Sir Phelps, raising an eyebrow, responds, “My dear sir, it was reserved for Lady Phelps, but she just passed away...”.

The acquaintance asks, “But Sir Phelps couldn’t you have given in to a friend?”.

Sir Phelps, “Not possible my dear chap, they are all at the funeral.”

18. A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

19. Originally Posted by Swift
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.
That joke was rightfully mine.

20. A supermassive black hole walks into a bar.

The punch line cannot be read as it lies beyond the event horizon.

21. A roman walks into a bar, holds up his forefinger and index finger, and says "Quinque beers placet".

22. That joke is absolutely ancient.

23. A neutrino went into a bar and continued on out the back door.

=========

A proton went into a bar.

"We don't serve electrons here!" said the bartender.

"But I'm a proton!" cried the proton.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

============

A tyrannosaur went into a bar.

"We don't serve predatory carnivores here!" said the bartender.

"But I've changed!" cried the tyrannosaur. "I'm religious! I'm an ordained minister!"

"Well, okay," said the bartender, "but don't let me catch you preying."

24. A subatomic particle went into a bar.

"Pleased to meet you," it said to the bartender. "I'm a quark!"

"Charmed, I'm sure."

25. A subatomic particle went into a bar.

"To meet you, pleased I am," it said to the bartender. "A quark, am I."

"And a strange one, too."

26. Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Sedna, and Orcus went into a bar.

"We're the toughest there is!" shouted Pluto. "Everyone runs from us!"

"Baloney," said the bartender. "You haven't even cleared the neighborhood."

.
Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2018-Nov-07 at 11:57 PM. Reason: accidentally erased

27. Ceres, Pluto, Haumea, Eris, Makemake, Sedna, and Orcus went into a bar.

"Snow White's not here," said the bartender.

"That's Grimm!" muttered the seven dwarf planets as they left.

28. A red dwarf went into a bar.

"I'm Alpha Canis Majoris!" the red dwarf said.

The bartender frowned. "You can't be Sirius."

29. Originally Posted by Roger E. Moore
"To meet you, pleased I am," it said to the bartender. "A quark, am I."
The Yoda particle, it carries the Force.

30. How charming these jokes are.

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