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gzhpcu
2010-Dec-28, 06:42 PM
Why is it, that often if a person is gentle and warm-hearted, some persons respect him/her less than persons who are authoritarian and rather cold? I have seen this happen in some families, where, say the mother is gentle and warm-hearted, the father authoritarian and rather cold, and the children show less respect towards the mother than the father. Have any of you also experienced this?

Gillianren
2010-Dec-28, 06:57 PM
I think the perspective is that they let themselves be walked all over, and people don't respect that. Sticking up for yourself is what's considered important. And I am trying really hard not to start a rant about the respect issues in my own family. I will say, however, that I respect caring for others. My therapist says one of my problems is how much I expect that in others.

Buttercup
2010-Dec-28, 07:05 PM
My answer would be "fear." Cold and stern = strength. :-\

Unfortunately.

And I guess "warm and nice" translates as weak, and therefore not respectable (which has never made sense to me, but apparently that's how some other people are wired...).

Though being warm and nice has always worked for me. :) Maybe it has to do with sincerity? Because some people can use warmth/niceness to manipulate. If that's the case or suspected to be, then a negative reaction would be understandable.

Swift
2010-Dec-28, 07:24 PM
I don't know, but I think part of it might be what Buttercup said, it is as much fear as respect.

Fazor
2010-Dec-28, 07:26 PM
Defends on your definition of "respect", I suppose. While outwardly, I think the loud, obnoxious, assertive people appear to garner more respect, they're often the first person someone will . . . "throw to the wolves"? . . . when given the chance. Also, I think people are quicker to disobey or go behind their backs in situations where they think they'll get away with it.

A kinder, more caring person may seem weak outwardly, and might not get shown the same "respect", they also tend to be the ones that hold more sway in many people's actions.

For instance, a stern father that threatens and screams and hits his kids for staying out late might seem to get the children's respect; as soon as said father is out of town or otherwise occupied, the kids will likely sneak out if for no other reason than to be an "I'll show him!" rebellion.

The mother who is caring and warm and who the kids talk back to might not get shown the "respect", but when the kids sneak out and get in trouble, likely it's her disappointment in them, rather than the father's aggression, that will actually affect the kids. Which to me, is respect. Because while they may not show it, they actually do care about the mother's feelings, but not the father's.

Now that's just a story to demonstrate what my words probably couldn't, and that's that the true respect lies deeper than outward actions.

That said, it does seem to be the 'Type A' people who always end up at the top of whatever particular ladder they choose to climb, with those under them "looking up to them." I'm just not convinced that "looking up to" is true respect.

Nowhere Man
2010-Dec-29, 02:28 AM
Not really an answer, but read the four pages starting here. (http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20080227)

Fred

John Jaksich
2010-Dec-29, 04:07 AM
Manipulation, power, respect--or lackof----are complex issues (?)--

But as a good mentor was said to me--it does not necessarily matter where you came from as much as where you are going---

in-short---> Try to leave the world better than how you may have found it---

despite what shortcomings you --yourself--may face?

Ara Pacis
2010-Dec-29, 08:40 AM
What does a mother traditionally do for her kids? She is alwasy there to make their food, clean their messes... sounds like something a servant would do.
What does a father traditionally do for his kids? He is away except when he is home at which point the mother serves the father.
Which one seems to be the more dominant? Can you serve 2 masters? Which one appears to be in charge? Which one commands respect?
(There is a difference between earning and commanding respect.)

Some people don't like those traditional roles, but perhaps that is what you witnessed.

gzhpcu
2010-Dec-29, 12:53 PM
I witness the gentle person's opinion often being dismissed, saying "Oh, Mooooother...." (if it is the mother), and the same persons not saying anything when the sterner partner states his/her opinion... It makes my blood boil when I witness this, and often say so.

Is it true that "familiarity breeds contempt" for certain persons? Think of Aesop's fable of the fox and the lion: the first time the fox saw the lion, he almost died of fright, the second time, he stopped and starred at him, the third time, he went boldly up to him and clapped him on the shoulder....

Buttercup
2010-Dec-29, 01:11 PM
I witness the gentle person's opinion often being dismissed, saying "Oh, Mooooother...." (if it is the mother), and the same persons not saying anything when the sterner partner states his/her opinion... It makes my blood boil when I witness this, and often say so.

Perhaps it is a family dynamic for these people? Perhaps the dominant partner continually dismissed, ridiculed, brushed off their spouse and the children took on those same behaviors/attitudes toward the "submissive" parent? I have seen that happen; adult children mimicking the negative/nasty behaviors of one parent to the other. :(

One of my parents was an overbearing, strict and demanding authoritarian. "Fist of iron." The other was nice, humble, pleasant, accommodating. My sister has tried curbing the influence, but she takes after our authoritarian parent (inherited traits). Fortunately I inherited a lot of personality and temperament traits from our nicer parent, so it's been easier for me to put off the negative influence of the harsh and controlling parent.


Is it true that "familiarity breeds contempt" for certain persons?

Yes, I think I've seen examples of that.

Perikles
2010-Dec-29, 01:24 PM
Why is it, that often if a person is gentle and warm-hearted, some persons respect him/her less than persons who are authoritarian and rather cold? I don't think it is going off-topic if I ask why the same kind of young male person is one whom girls are not attracted to. 'Gentle and warm-hearted' is equated with boring. My own observations are that girls are generally attracted to boys who treat them rather badly, and the 'Gentle and warm-hearted' ones are considered as wimps. Perhaps it was just me.

Buttercup
2010-Dec-29, 01:52 PM
I don't think it is going off-topic if I ask why the same kind of young male person is one whom girls are not attracted to. 'Gentle and warm-hearted' is equated with boring. My own observations are that girls are generally attracted to boys who treat them rather badly, and the 'Gentle and warm-hearted' ones are considered as wimps. Perhaps it was just me.

That's generally true. Unfortunately nice guys weren't often attracted to me.

There are currently 3 men (real life) interested in me, and if I wished it could commit adultery with any of them (they are also married, and I will not). Of the 3, one is a rather quiet, reserved, nice gentleman. Another is a bad boy. If we were all single, I'd be going for Mr. Quiet and Gentlemanly.

p.s.: We recently knew a very nice man who was quiet, a bit shy, gracious, likeable. He was married to a total witch (no offense to any Wiccans here). It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde, I kid you not. So I guess sometimes nice girls strike out too; if this man prefers super-edgy bad girls who can be downright mean and nasty, he certainly picked "a winner" in that category. :confused: I couldn't believe it. Talk about extreme opposites.

megrfl
2010-Dec-29, 03:38 PM
I don't think it is going off-topic if I ask why the same kind of young male person is one whom girls are not attracted to. 'Gentle and warm-hearted' is equated with boring.

Gentle and warm-hearted is a must, but strength in character, fairness and a protective attitude toward others is also a must. Nothing is more attractive than a guy defending an innocent, which includes animals.


My own observations are that girls are generally attracted to boys who treat them rather badly, and the 'Gentle and warm-hearted' ones are considered as wimps. Perhaps it was just me.

If a guy is treating a girl badly and she puts up with it then there are issues with her too. You can be gentle and warm-hearted and strong as hell. Now that's hot. :D

gzhpcu
2010-Dec-29, 03:39 PM
Perhaps it is a family dynamic for these people? Perhaps the dominant partner continually dismissed, ridiculed, brushed off their spouse and the children took on those same behaviors/attitudes toward the "submissive" parent? I have seen that happen; adult children mimicking the negative/nasty behaviors of one parent to the other. :(

Yes, this is exactly what I observed happening. The dominant partner has no respect for the submissive partner. Some children then mimick this unfortunately.

Perikles
2010-Dec-29, 03:54 PM
I'd be going for Mr. Quiet and Gentlemanly..Ah, but elsewhere you have displayed clear evidence of rational thought processes, marking you out as in a small minority anyway.

Gillianren
2010-Dec-29, 07:04 PM
Ah, but elsewhere you have displayed clear evidence of rational thought processes, marking you out as in a small minority anyway.

Really, I think here that we have selection bias. I don't think most women are attracted to jerks. I think most women are attracted to a wide range of different guys and either the ones attracted to jerks make a bigger splash or the ones you are attracted to are attracted to guys you perceive as jerks. My best friend is in a relationship with a deeply scarred individual who comes off as very unpleasant sometimes. I didn't much like him when we first met, because she's too good for him (everyone knows this to be true) and he took advantage of her. When I got to know him, though, I understood that he wasn't a jerk. He was taking advantage of her, and he knew it and wanted to stop. But I couldn't know that from the outside. From the outside, it did look like she was in a relationship with a jerk. Instead, she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't always express himself the best and is working very hard to overcome the warped influence of his mother.

kamaz
2010-Dec-29, 07:38 PM
Unfortunately nice guys weren't often attracted to me.


It's quite possible that they actually were interested in you, but too nice (=shy) to explicitly show it, so you never noticed.

Ara Pacis
2010-Dec-29, 08:08 PM
Gentle and warm-hearted is a must, but strength in character, fairness and a protective attitude toward others is also a must. Nothing is more attractive than a guy defending an innocent, which includes animals.

Many women I know like this, except when they don't. None of them want a man to be overly-protective, acting as if the girl needs their protection because she can't handle it on her own.

Nice guys are boring, were probably raised by their mom, and won't get far in the world of dog-eat-dog business, bad boys, on the other hand, are aggressive enough and just need some female attention to fix their few minor problems.