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peteshimmon
2011-Nov-15, 06:02 PM
Dear Santa, please may I have a million
pounds for Christmas. (thats one with
six noughts after). Please put half in
bank accounts in the major banks and
half as gold bars under my bed. Please
may I also have some new trainers.

Yours ever, Tristam. aged 7.

swampyankee
2011-Nov-15, 11:22 PM
Pete, it's not nice to sign someone else's name to your letters to Santa.

I'd prefer a mix of dollars and Swiss Francs.

Chuck
2011-Nov-16, 03:13 AM
I'd like a cubic lightyear of gold! I promise to sell it slowly so it won't destabilize the economy. Or doesn't that matter very much any more?

Van Rijn
2011-Nov-16, 03:34 AM
I'd like a cubic lightyear of gold! I promise to sell it slowly so it won't destabilize the economy. Or doesn't that matter very much any more?

That could make for a good Monkey's Paw wish story. Unless it was a thin gas, a cubic lightyear of gold would almost immediately collapse into a black hole. Be careful what you wish for . . .

Chuck
2011-Nov-16, 04:46 AM
I didn't think about that. Maybe a cubic mile of gold would be more practical.

Nowhere Man
2011-Nov-16, 05:08 AM
Yes, much easier to hide under the bed.

As for me, I'd like a million pounds of dollars. A quick search leads one to believe that a dollar bill weighs 1 gram, so 1,000,000 pounds * 454 grams/pound * 1 dollar/ gram is $454,000,000. I think I can live on that.

Fred

profloater
2011-Nov-16, 12:06 PM
Dear Tristam aged 7,
You will get your one with six noughts on the end since you asked so nicely. I will split it up over your next 93 years so it will kind of rein money (ho ho) and of course there will be fees and taxes, oh and my expenses. Look out for my sleigh and wait for the bells to ring. Did I mention the exchange rate? The Poles are hotting up so there will be a discounted cash flow. Don't worry about that. Actually since you will be getting so much perhaps you could advance me some of it as I have not eaten since last year! Just leave a few coins out with my brandy and mince pies. Back to the homework! yours Santa (aged)

Trebuchet
2011-Nov-16, 04:54 PM
Just as well Tristam (aged 7) didn't ask for a billion pounds. We'd get to have the whole 9 zeroes vs 12 zeroes discussion all over again.

swampyankee
2011-Nov-17, 01:42 AM
Just as well Tristam (aged 7) didn't ask for a billion pounds. We'd get to have the whole 9 zeroes vs 12 zeroes discussion all over again.

At least nobody has asked "a million pounds of what?" Oops! this was misdelivered

"Dear Tristam,

Where do you want the fish?

Santa"

Nicolas
2011-Nov-17, 12:54 PM
Dear Santa,

If I'd ask you 999,999.999... (infinite 9's) dollars, would you give me 1 million?

Yours ever (infinite ever), Tristam. Aged 6.999... (infinite 9's).

Ivan Viehoff
2011-Nov-17, 03:58 PM
I calculate that a cubic light year of gold, at room temperature and pressure, is about 1.6E52 kg.

Now I believe I have read that the average density of the hadronic matter in the observable universe is equivalent about 1 to 2 hydrogen atoms per cubic metre. So that means that all the hadronic matter in the observable universe amounts to around 60E52 to 120E52 kg.

So Tristam was actually asking for about 1/40 to 1/80 of the total hadronic matter in the observable universe. Clearly a budding megalomaniac.

Tristam is an unusual spelling intermediate between what is usually Tristan (cf Wagner) or less commonly Tristram (English language sources - in these versions of the story Tristram travels incognito by calling himself Tramtris - clearly no one would suspect). I believe that there is some correlation shown between parents who give their children odd names and child neglect. Might that be the source of his fantastic tendencies?

HenrikOlsen
2011-Nov-17, 04:10 PM
I though Tristram was a place name.:)

Chuck
2011-Nov-17, 04:38 PM
Only 1/40 of the universe? Better make that a cubic parsec of platinum instead.

peteshimmon
2011-Nov-17, 07:29 PM
Dear Santa, it looks like someone in your
office leeked my letter to the internet.
Please let me explain my friend Jeremy
next door told me if I want something I
must ask for something else more expansive!
So I did. He said it was the Inishal
Bargamein posishun or something.(IBP).
Please just bring the trainers.
Your client, Tristam.
PS Mum says she dont want Reindeer
stuff on the lawn.

profloater
2011-Nov-17, 10:35 PM
Dear Tristam aged 7 going on.
I'm arriving at your house you know when.
You better have the mince pies, brandy and a little extra you know what.
Otherwise reindeer poo is the least of your worries,
You started something here.
Lets have a happy ending come fairy lights time.
Happy stockings.
yours with a long memory, googleplex and a tomrom, Santa Claws

Nicolas
2011-Nov-18, 08:21 AM
Dear Santa,

All your present are belong to us.

Yours ever, Flurgl. Aged 23,756.

Sticks
2011-Nov-18, 05:01 PM
Dear Santa

Please can you supply us with a complete flight plan of your next visit to the UK as there have been concerns in recent years about near misses with your aircraft. Last year we had a complaint from Lufthansa over a near miss in Cumbria.

We have also been asked by our colleagues at the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs to request that you desist from using reindeer that have not been passed as free of certain pathogens by certified vets. Here in the UK we take bio-security very seriously and we would not want a repeat of the Foot and Mouth epidemic which swept the UK in 2001.

Finally we have also had representations from the Criminal Records Bureau who do not have a submission from you. They have asked us to remind you that as your activities mean you are involved with children and young people, you apply for your annual CRB check by 21 December if you wish to be active over the festive season.

Civil Aviation Authority of the United Kingdom

Doodler
2011-Nov-18, 05:17 PM
Dear Santa,

The Department of Homeland Security regrets to inform you that we will not be able to offer compensation for your loss during last year's mishap over Andrews Air Force Base. The United States government has posted rules with the Federal Aviation Administration governing the operation of aircraft within District of Columbia airspace, and compliance is expected. As such, the Department of Defense has opted not to pursue charges over the incident, citing the need to keep this incident out of the press for public relations reasons. Also, the base commander reported that, despite being slightly overcooked when the missile explosion roasted them, Donner and Blitzen were delicious.

Yours sincerely,

Janet

P.S. - I'm only doing my job, cookies and milk will be served at my place as usual.

Luckmeister
2011-Nov-18, 06:07 PM
Dear Santa,

I won't ask for much -- just my youth back.

Mike 15821

profloater
2011-Nov-18, 09:16 PM
Dear Santa,

I won't ask for much -- just my youth back.

Mike 15821 Sorry mike I gave your youth to someone more deserving, but your back you can keep, yours Santa

Luckmeister
2011-Nov-18, 10:06 PM
Sorry mike I gave your youth to someone more deserving, but your back you can keep, yours Santa

And to think all these years I believed in you! :sad:

profloater
2011-Nov-18, 10:14 PM
And to think all these years I believed in you! :sad:
The reindeer still fly but the stocking is empty
you watched the sky but santa was lying
the chimney is secret and best kept for burning
the sleigh sleight of hand will keep on returning
but meanwhile the spirit of giving is frying
you must still believe what else will tempt thee?

Luckmeister
2011-Nov-19, 12:09 AM
The reindeer still fly but the stocking is empty
you watched the sky but santa was lying
the chimney is secret and best kept for burning
the sleigh sleight of hand will keep on returning
but meanwhile the spirit of giving is frying
you must still believe what else will tempt thee?

Well, I still have the Easter Bunny. :p

swampyankee
2011-Nov-19, 01:08 AM
Well, I still have the Easter Bunny. :p

Tasty (http://www.food.com/recipe/rabbit-stifado-106996).

closetgeek
2011-Nov-19, 02:01 AM
Dear Santa,

I won't ask for much -- just my youth back.

Mike 15821

Careful what you wish for, I wished for younger looking skin and developed adult onset acne.

peteshimmon
2011-Nov-19, 03:27 PM
Dear Santa, my friend Jeremy says I have to
get a ladder installed in the chimney stack
as well as a post on the roof to hitch your
sleigh. He says its Elf and Safety. When I
go up to Dad lately he says we cant afford
it before I say anything. (what this "we"
buisness is I dont know.)

So please just send the trainers by post!
Yours evermore, Tristam.

swampyankee
2011-Nov-19, 07:37 PM
Dear Tristam,

I've been checking with the elves. It is illegal in your country to deliver trainers, like this young woman: 15822.

You are being naughty!

Santa

peteshimmon
2012-Jan-06, 10:27 PM
Dear Santa, thank you very much for
the trainers. Mum and Dad have just
put the pretty lights away in the
cupboard. Mrs Davies down the road
had a baby on Christmas Eve so mum
say thanks for not running the
stork down! I have to play along
as I do not want to disillusion
her. Tristam.
PS Next Christmas please get lots
of skates in.

peteshimmon
2012-Sep-04, 06:47 PM
Dear Santa, just a reminder about those
skates. In line type called blades.
Your ever, Tristram.

ps We did geography and I understand
about lead times, logistics, sailing
times and containers. So to make sure
the skates are on time I write now.

Noclevername
2012-Sep-05, 10:10 PM
Dear Santa,

The transportation of blades by aircraft on international flights is strictly regulated. Please land and prepare for aircraft inspection.

swampyankee
2012-Sep-06, 01:14 AM
Dear Santa,

While the US welcomes you importation of guns and ammunition, you are in violation of Public Law 314159 by importation of unpasteurized cheese. Because of this violation, a rendition order has been signed by the House Committee on Agriculture.