PDA

View Full Version : Jokes



Pages : [1] 2 3

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-08, 09:54 AM
I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

"My female android went to the Bahamas."

"Jamaica?"

"No, I bought her in Novatech."

Candy
2004-Oct-08, 10:02 AM
"Is that a pocket calculator, or are you just happy to see me?" :D

<-runs and hides

Maksutov
2004-Oct-08, 10:09 AM
I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

"My female android went to the Bahamas."

"Jamaica?"

"No, I bought her in Novatech."

Reminds me of a joke that was old when it made its (hopefully) final appearance on the Monkees show back in the 1960s:

"I just got back from Africa where I spent a lot of time playing cards with the natives."

"Oh, Zulus?"

"No, I usually won!"

ZaphodBeeblebrox
2004-Oct-08, 10:12 AM
I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

"My female android went to the Bahamas."

"Jamaica?"

"No, I bought her in Novatech."

Reminds me of a joke that was old when it made its (hopefully) final appearance on the Monkees show back in the 1960s:

"I just got back from Africa where I spent a lot of time playing cards with the natives."

"Oh, Zulus?"

"No, I usually won!"

Abbott and Costello:

"You don't have a very high IQ, a High IQ."

"Well, I IQ, too. I IQ, very much."

[Ducks a Tomato]

:roll:

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-08, 10:15 AM
Er, my request was for good jokes.

Or am I being punished?

:D

Candy
2004-Oct-08, 10:21 AM
Hey, at least I made mine up. 8-[

Maksutov
2004-Oct-08, 10:22 AM
Er, my request was for good jokes.

Or am I being punished?

:D

Hey, you answered your own question! Give that person 100 more jokes equal in quality to the one that the OP inflicted on us! :D

Maksutov
2004-Oct-08, 10:47 AM
Here's one for you. (http://www.badastronomy.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=344271#344271)

Cl1mh4224rd
2004-Oct-08, 11:40 AM
This isn't a joke, but I came across it in the Top 100 Quotes (http://www.bash.org/?top) at Bash.org (http://www.bash.org/):


<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
There's a lot of good stuff over there, if you don't mind getting "dirty" from time to time. Heh...

jfribrg
2004-Oct-08, 01:00 PM
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam." The doc says, "You better lie down. You're two tents."

jfribrg
2004-Oct-08, 01:04 PM
"I have a dog with no nose"

"How does he smell?"

"Aweful"

Swift
2004-Oct-08, 01:16 PM
A man walks into a bar and there is a horse tending it. The man just stands there with a shocked expression on his face.
The horse says, "What! You've never seen a horse tend bar?"
The man says, "No, I just can't believe the cow sold the place".

Eta C
2004-Oct-08, 01:21 PM
A gorilla, a giraffe, and a zebra walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"

Normandy6644
2004-Oct-08, 01:23 PM
Here's a really nerdy math joke, but it still cracks me up.

"Two mathematicians are in a bar. The waitress comes over and hands them their drinks. One mathematicians is complaining about the lack of basic calculus knowledge in today's population. The other one says, 'I bet you $10 that our waitress can answer a calculus question.' Naturally, the first mathematician agrees to the bet. So the other one excuses himself to go to the restroom, but instead goes up to the waitress and says, 'Listen, here's $5. When you come over to the table in a minute, I'm gonna ask you a question. Whatever that question is, I want you to say x to the fourth over four, ok?' She agrees. The man sits back at the table. A minute later the waitress comes over to the table. The second mathematician says to the first, 'ok, ready? Excuse me ma'am, but what is the integral of x cubed?' The waitress looks at the men and says, 'we'll that's easy. It's x to the fourth over four.......plus a constant."

jfribrg
2004-Oct-08, 01:56 PM
Here is another nerdy math joke. I've heard this many times, but I figured I'd beat toSeek to it.

There was a tribe of american indians. One day a pregnant woman shows up at the tent of the medicine man and says she is in labor. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver the baby. Before he starts, another woman in labor shows up. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver both babies. Just then another woman shows up. The only thing he can lay her on is a hippopotamus skin. The whole tribe gathers outside to wait for news on the births. The woman on the deer skin gave birth to a boy. Then the woman on the bear skin gave birth to another boy. Everyone was overjoyed when the third woman gave birth to twin boys. Which only serves to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-08, 02:31 PM
Hey, at least I made mine up. 8-[

I do appreciate your efforts, honest! :D

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-08, 02:32 PM
Thanks for your jokes, everyone. Quite a few have cheered me up no end.

And I might sound like a nerd, but I do enjoy the maths ones!

George
2004-Oct-08, 02:37 PM
Here is another nerdy math joke. I've heard this many times, but I figured I'd beat toSeek to it.

There was a tribe of american indians. One day a pregnant woman shows up at the tent of the medicine man and says she is in labor. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver the baby. Before he starts, another woman in labor shows up. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver both babies. Just then another woman shows up. The only thing he can lay her on is a hippopotamus skin. The whole tribe gathers outside to wait for news on the births. The woman on the deer skin gave birth to a boy. Then the woman on the bear skin gave birth to another boy. Everyone was overjoyed when the third woman gave birth to twin boys. Which only serves to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
:) . 8) It's accurate, too (unlike Oz's Scarecrow)

Gmann
2004-Oct-08, 02:38 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any duck food. the bartender says no, and the duck leaves. the next day, the duck comes back and asks the bartender if he has any duck food, the bartender says no, and the duck leaves. On the third day the duck walks in an is about to ask, when the bartender yells "If you ask me for duck food, I'll nail your feet to the bar" The duck says nothing and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender "got any nails?" to which the bartender answers "no". "In that case" the duck says "got any duck food?" :D

NCC-1701
2004-Oct-08, 02:40 PM
"My mother never breast feed me. She said she just wanted to be friends." (in rememberance of Rodney Dangerfield)

George
2004-Oct-08, 02:40 PM
Are you still bored, Paul?

A & M just announced they will send a rover to the Sun. They plan to go at night.

Eta C
2004-Oct-08, 03:08 PM
OK, here's an astonomy related one.

An astronomer is on an exedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose aas a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibal's language he knows he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard replies "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest poinat in the sky on the day after they're captured. Then they may be cooked and ready for the evening meal."

The astronomer thinks "Great, this should work perfectly."

Then the guard says, "But since everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

SeanF
2004-Oct-08, 03:30 PM
A duck walks into a bar . . .
A duck walks up to the check-out lane with a tube of chapstick.

The clerk says, "You going to pay cash for this?"

The duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."

Reacher
2004-Oct-08, 03:45 PM
Child: Which is closer, Melbourne or the moon?
Blonde Mother: *Sigh* Can you see Melbourne?

Maksutov
2004-Oct-08, 03:46 PM
"Is that a pocket calculator, or are you just happy to see me?" :D

<-runs and hides

40 years ago, the then-current version of that joke would have been even funnier:

Gal:"Is that a slide rule calculating the sum of 2*30 on the C and D scales in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" :D

Bawheid
2004-Oct-08, 03:50 PM
Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

(Runs and hides)

Normandy6644
2004-Oct-08, 04:54 PM
Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

(Runs and hides)

Lol, I had to read it a few times to myself (all with increasingly thicker accents) before I got it. =D>

SKY
2004-Oct-08, 05:50 PM
Here's my joke. (http://www.badastronomy.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=136546#136546)

Roving Philosopher
2004-Oct-08, 06:29 PM
My favorite light bulb joke.....



How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. :D

Swift
2004-Oct-08, 07:03 PM
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

Astronot
2004-Oct-08, 07:18 PM
Though not strictly a joke, these are funny anyway!

Some dubious metrics:
10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo
10**15 coats = 1 petacoat
10**12 bulls = 1 terabull
10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
billions and billions = 1 Sagan
10**9 lows = 1 gigalow
10**9 antics = 1 gigantic
10**9 questions = 1 gigawhat
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbird

Tranquility
2004-Oct-08, 07:51 PM
How many forum members to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Bawheid
2004-Oct-08, 07:58 PM
Tranquility =D> =D> =D>

logicboy
2004-Oct-08, 08:07 PM
=D> :lol: This one's my favorite


6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid


Nice one

jfribrg
2004-Oct-08, 08:16 PM
I have a dog with no legs. I call him cigarette because every morning I take him out for a drag.

Swift
2004-Oct-08, 08:17 PM
Tranquility =D> =D> =D>
:lol: :lol: :lol:
What, no one with the user name Lightbulbs_R_God gets banned for his personal attacks on the unbelievers who equate lightbulbs with meer devices! :D

sidmel
2004-Oct-08, 09:24 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then notices a 12 inch guy playing a piano. Turning to the bar tender, he asks, “Where in the world did you find a 12 inch guy that plays a piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a magic genie that gave me one wish.” Reaching under the bar, he then pulls out a lamp and hands it to the customer, saying, “Here, give it a try if you like.” The man thinks for a while, rubs the lamp, and poof! There’s a genie. The genie says, “Master, I can grant you one wish.’ The man thinks for a while, then says, “I’d like a million bucks!” Suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks flopping and squawking all over the bar. Turning to the bar tender, the man demands, “What in the heck happened? I said I wanted a million bucks!!!!!” The bar tender replies, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. The genie’s a bit hard of hearing, do you really think I would have wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

#-o

Gmann
2004-Oct-09, 12:35 PM
Tranquility has spent too much time on this board...btw =D>

Tranquility
2004-Oct-09, 03:31 PM
Aww thanks for laughing at the joke i posted guys :D

And yep, Bad Master. Actually just noticed 8)

Reacher
2004-Oct-09, 04:00 PM
A wild turkey walks into a bar and perches on top of one of the stools.
The bartender sees him and says "Hey! There's a drink named after you!"
The turkey replies, "What, Ernie?"

Dickenmeyer
2004-Oct-10, 02:39 AM
An old man was taking his evening stroll around the pond behind his retirement home when all of a sudden a large frog hops up and squats down right in front of him. Curious the old fellow reaches down and picks up the frog which blurts out in plain clear English "Kiss me". Dumbstruck the old man can't utter a word and the frog repeats "Kiss me". FInally the old man regains some composure and stammers "Y-y-ou can t-talk!!"
"Yes", replies the frog, " I am actually a beautiful princess who was turned into a frog by a wicked enchantment long ago. If you kiss me I will return to my original form and shower you with love and riches." "Well isn't that something?" says the old man and he puts the frog in his coat pocket and resumes his walk. A few minutes later the frog says "Well, aren't you going to kiss me and turn me back into a princess?" "Nope", the old man says, "At my age I'd just as soon have a talking frog"

Kiwi
2004-Oct-10, 10:01 AM
CHICKEN ARMONDI

1 large chicken
2 eggs
1 cup breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper
1 cup drained crushed pineapple
500 grams uncooked popcorn
1 cup diced onions
1 dessertspoon mixed herbs

Follow directions carefully. Mix all dry ingredients, add eggs and pineapple, and stuff into the chicken. Skewer up the cavity. Bake at 180 degrees C, basting regularly. Chicken will be found to be cooked when the popcorn blows the [rear] out of the chicken and the door off the oven.

George
2004-Oct-10, 10:45 PM
Two friends, an astronomer and an astrophysicts, during their return flight from Europe, were startled to hear the captain announce an engine had failed. A 1 hour delay would result in their landing time in New York. A short time later, they noticed another engine on fire. The captain announced all was well as the other two engines would carry them safely, but with a 2 hour delay. As Murphy would have it, the third failed and grave concerns ensued. The captain asked all to stay calm as the remaining engine was fine and adequate, however, the delay would now be 4/1/2 hrs. The astronomer expressed deep concern as he feared the failure of the last engine. His astrophysicst friend stated...."I agree, otherwise we'll be up her all night!". Upon hearing this, the astronomer obtained the window seat.

AGN Fuel
2004-Oct-11, 04:04 AM
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers. The man drinks his and pours the other into a bowl for the giraffe, who laps it up. After this is repeated a few times, the giraffe starts swaying alarmingly and eventually collapses, unconscious, onto the bar-room floor.

At this, the man picks ups his jacket and says, 'Well, better be off home' and starts to walk out the door.

The bartender points to the slumbering giraffe on the floor and yells, "Hey buddy, you can't leave that lyin' there!" to which the man replies.....





"That's not a lion. It's a giraffe!"

(sorry :oops: )

jfribrg
2004-Oct-11, 02:21 PM
Two philosophers were in a restaurant. One ordered a chicken salad and the other ordered an egg salad, so they could see which came first.

As they were sitting there, Rene Decartes walks in. One of them said "Care to join us?" Decartes said "I think not." and he disappeared.

bbtuna
2004-Oct-11, 07:15 PM
I got a couple



What do you get when you cross a pig and a rat?

Pig rat sine theta




A farmer's chickens keep getting sick and he has no idea why. He calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help out. The biologist examines the chickens throughly and declares, "I don't know what is wrong with your chickens." The chemist then preforms some tests and takes some measurements of the chickens and says, "I don't know why your chickens are sick." The physicist then looks at the chickens. He stares at them for a long time before writing things down on his notepad. He then proceeds to preform several long and very difficult calculations before saying to the farmer, "I know why your chickens are getting sick. I've found the solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

:lol:

jfribrg
2004-Oct-11, 07:21 PM
An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathmetician are riding on a train in Ireland. They pass by a farm that has a lone white cow. The astronomer says "How about that, all cows in Ireland are all white." The physicist corrects him and says that some cows in Ireland are all white. The mathmetician corrects both of them by saying that in Ireland, there exists at least one cow that is at least half white.

wackywizjr
2004-Oct-11, 09:49 PM
Watch for Quantum ducks... Quark Quark

AliCali
2004-Oct-11, 11:37 PM
The current manager of the NY Yankees, Joe Torre, used to play for the Yankees. For a while, he played catcher (this is all true).

However, he hated the nickname "Chicken". Because then he would be Chicken Catcher Torre.

Dickenmeyer
2004-Oct-12, 02:47 AM
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.
Were they long necks?

gzhpcu
2004-Oct-12, 02:53 AM
A Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

Candy
2004-Oct-12, 04:19 AM
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.
Were they long necks? I bet at least one was a long neck. :lol:

Swift
2004-Oct-12, 01:09 PM
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.
Were they long necks? I bet at least one was a long neck. :lol:
That's like the one about the horse that goes into the bar and plops down on a stool. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Wally
2004-Oct-12, 01:19 PM
2 of 'em for ya. . .

A guy's sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down and sees a snail. He picks up the snail and chucks it into the field across the street.

3 years later, the guy's watching TV again. He hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down, and there's a snail again. The snail looks up at the guys and says, "what the heck was that all about!"



Next one:

A snail's walking downtown when 2 turtles come out of the alley and beat him up. Later, the cops ask "did you get a good look at the attackers". The snail says, "No, it all happened so fast".

Ba-da-BOOM!

truth be told, these jokes work better orally rather than written, especially when done quickly back to back. It also helps if your audience is slightly warped. . .

ZaphodBeeblebrox
2004-Oct-12, 01:30 PM
2 of 'em for ya. . .

A guy's sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down and sees a snail. He picks up the snail and chucks it into the field across the street.

3 years later, the guy's watching TV again. He hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down, and there's a snail again. The snail looks up at the guys and says, "what the heck was that all about!"



Next one:

A snail's walking downtown when 2 turtles come out of the alley and beat him up. Later, the cops ask "did you get a good look at the attackers". The snail says, "No, it all happened so fast".

Ba-da-BOOM!

truth be told, these jokes work better orally rather than written, especially when done quickly back to back. It also helps if your audience is slightly warped. . .

More Warped than us ...

Not Possible!

:P

Chuck
2004-Oct-13, 01:52 AM
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Gullible Jones
2004-Oct-13, 02:04 AM
LOL, good one Chuck! :lol:

Chuck
2004-Oct-13, 02:10 AM
An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

AliCali
2004-Oct-13, 02:27 AM
An elderly woman in Florida has an incredibly vivid dream that her son dies in a car crash in California. Suddenly, she's awoken by a phone call. It's the California Highway Patrol calling to remind her that she does not have a son.

--Dave Barry

Chuck
2004-Oct-13, 02:52 AM
UNCLE AL'S GUIDE TO THE BEAST 666 - Number of the Beast
666A - Tenant of the Beast
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
66666-6666 - Zip Code+4 of the Beast
Motel 666 - Lodging of the Beast
666 Whitehall - Address of British Prime Minister Beast
666 Pennsylvania Ave - Address of US President Beast
vi vi vi - Editor of the Beast
6 - Acronym of the Beast
999 - The Australian Beast
666" - Baby Beast holding an apple
66o - Circumcision of the Beast
(38-24-36)666 - Beauty and the Beast
666666666666 - Stutter of the Beast
555 - Number of the Munchkin Beast
6*6^6~ - Number of the Professional Wrestling Beast
999 - Number of the dead Beast
sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
Wilde666 - The African savannah wildeBeast
NCC-666 - Starship of the Beast
NCC-666D - Starship of the Beast, The Next Generation
C666PO - Protocol droid of the Beast (fluent in over 6.66
million forms of damnation)
R666D666 - R666 unit of the Beast
^^^ - Caps Lock of the Beast
666 666 - Stereo picture of the number of the Beast
666 999 - Number of the Beast with a two-fold axis
C666 - Fullerene of the Beast
111 - Empirical formula of the Beast
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the MilliBeast
1/666 - Reciprocal of the Beast
4969 - Prime number of the Beast
666i - Imaginary number of the Beast
2,3,37 - Prime factors of the Beast
443,556 - Squared Beast
666pi - Circumference of the Beast
-0.80901699 - Sin of the Beast
0.58778525 - Cos of the Beast
x^(666) - Power of the Beast
1-666 - One Less Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
29A - Hexadecimal of the Beast
1501.5015... - Reciprocal parts-per-million of the Beast
2.823474 - Log of the Beast
6.501290 - Ln of the Beast
1-666-666-6667 - Wrong number of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
2x4x666 - Lumber of the Beast
333 - Eric the half-a-Beast
6 and whatever - Number of Hippie Beast
66F - Number of the Breast
Chanel No. 666 - Perfume of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature of roast Beast
Heinz 666 - Relish of the Beast
666-UP - Soft drink of the Beast
666 pack - Beer of the Beast
Vick's Formula 666 - Cough syrup of the Beast
6:06:06AM - Morning call of the Beast
6:06:06PM - Dinnertime of the Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 - Daily Lotto "Pick3" of the Beast
6-6-6 - Beast hits slots jackpot!
666 Binet - IQ of the Beast
666 Cattel - IQ of the British Beast
0.666 Welscher - IQ of the American Beast
666-666 - Eyesight of Beast
666EEE - Shoe size of Beast
Car 666 - Tootie and Muldoon of the Beast
666 Sunset Strip - TV show of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66% - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
ddd - Mirror of the Beast
66/6 - Music beat of the Beast
666 Hz - Tuning fork of the Beast
666 MHz - Radio Beast
Channel 666 - Cable TV of the Beast
MIL-666 - US Quality Standard of the Beast
ISO-666 - European Quality Standard of the Beast
DIN 666 - Deutsche Industrie Norm fuer Biesten
DSM-666 (rev.) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
666th BSF - 666th Beast Special Forces
666th Airborne - 666th Beast Airborne Unit
@@@ - Encryption of the Beast
Windows 666 - Bill Gates IS the Beast
WfW 6.66 - Windows for Workbeasts
665.999948 - Intel Pentium calculator of the Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
666.66.6.66.1 - IP number of the Beast
http://www.666.com - URL of the Beast
beast@6... - Email of Beast
666P - TCP/IP protocol of the Beast
606 - Not Found Error of the Beast
rw-rw-rw- - UNIX file protection of the Beast
666.666 - Library of Congress number "Book of Beast"
666 VAC/DC - This Beast is bi-
666 W - Power of the Beast
666 J - Energy of the Beast
i66686 - Intel CPU of the Beast
680666 - Motorola CPU of the Beast
System 666 - Mac OS of the Beast
EMI666 - CD catalog number of Soundtrack of the Beast
Flight 666 - First class booked reservation of the Beast
Boeing 666 - Jet of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
Cummins 666 - Diesel Beast
R66/6 - Old BMW motorcycle of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
666DL - Volvo of the Beast
Lexus 666 - Luxury sedan of the Beast
F 666 - Ferrari of the Beast (8 liter @ 12 cyls)
Mazda 666 - Economy car of the Beast
999 - Mate of the Beast
Sick Sick Sick - Humor of the Beast
6, uh... what was the question? - Number of the Blonde Beast

Musashi
2004-Oct-13, 03:25 AM
=D> :lol:

Gmann
2004-Oct-13, 01:42 PM
At least one of us has entirely too much time on his hands.

Good show Chuck =D>

Robert Andersson
2004-Oct-13, 05:47 PM
vi vi vi - Editor of the Beast
:lol: Nice one!

sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex...

Bawheid
2004-Oct-13, 06:40 PM
sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex...

No room for confusion there then. :o

Cue Benny Hill music.......

Candy
2004-Oct-13, 06:45 PM
You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex... Reminder to self, add Sweden to vacation next year. 8-[

gzhpcu
2004-Oct-13, 06:54 PM
WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English,
of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better
model.

gzhpcu
2004-Oct-13, 08:31 PM
After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.

Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

sidmel
2004-Oct-13, 09:49 PM
Kepler was pretty ellipital about the party...


** Ducks tomatoes **

Chuck
2004-Oct-14, 04:18 AM
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant together.

The waiter comes to the table and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, but due to a shortage, we will be unable to serve meat today."

The Texan says, "I don't understand. What is a shortage?"

The Russian says, "I don't understand. What is meat?"

The New Yorker says, "I don't understand. What is 'Excuse Me'?

Chuck
2004-Oct-14, 04:20 AM
Bob came home and found his blonde wife searching high and low, all over the living room. Finally he asked her, "What are you looking for?" She answered "Hidden cameras!" He asked, "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?" She replied, "Every few minutes that guy on TV says 'You're watching the NBC Nightly News.' How else can he know what I am watching?"

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-14, 08:39 AM
When Chief Sitting Bull was dying he said to his squaw,

"Please don't go with another man."

"Oh, I won't." she said to Sitting Bull.

Then Sitting Bull died and straight away his squaw went off with another man.

Her name was Lying Cow.

jfribrg
2004-Oct-14, 05:02 PM
After the waters had receded, Noah opened the arc and released all the animals. He stayed on the arc for a while. A few months later he takes a tour of the earth and sees that all the various animals are happily raising young, with one exception. The snakes don't have any babies. He asked them why no babies. They said they needed a tree trunk. Noah didn't know why, but he chopped down a tree for the snakes and went back to the arc. A few months later he checks on things and sees that the snakes have plenty of babies slithering around. He was very happy to see this, but asked why they needed the tree trunk. One of the snakes responded "We're Adders. We need logs to multiply."

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 12:11 AM
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar and says "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 12:15 AM
Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer keyboard?

He was looking for the space bar!

Candy
2004-Oct-15, 12:19 AM
A three legged dog walks into a bar, and angrily says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w)!"

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 12:51 AM
Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when Bob was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

Bob said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 02:35 AM
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 02:43 AM
A bloke's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the bloke stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 02:45 AM
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding."

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 02:48 AM
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

Chuck
2004-Oct-15, 03:27 AM
ACTUAL comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness (Bridger-Teton National Forest) registration sheets and comment cards:
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
All the mile markers are missing this year.
Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
Too many rocks in the mountains.

SKY
2004-Oct-15, 08:55 AM
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

I remember a funny blond joke from when I was younger:

Two blonds come across a pair of tracks in the wilderness.

Blond 1: These are deer tracks!

Blond 2: No! These are bear tracks!

Blond 1: NO! THESE ARE DEER TRACKS!!!

Blond 2: NO! THESE ARE BEAR TRACKS!!!

And they continued to argue until the train hit them.

8-[

Gmann
2004-Oct-15, 12:34 PM
Get 'em Chuck! Let it all hang out. =D>

Swift
2004-Oct-15, 12:53 PM
ACTUAL comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness (Bridger-Teton National Forest) registration sheets and comment cards:
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
I volunteer in the nature center for our county park system. I've actually had people complain that all the trails aren't plowed in the winter. I explain that the cross-country skiers probably would be unhappy if we did that. :-?


A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

When I volunteered at a national park in Louisiana, we had a trail that was a boardwalk that went a mile or so into the bayou. Picture you are in the middle of 10,000 acres of wetland, on a viewing platform. I had a couple of people suggest that an ice cream stand or similar would be nice on the viewing platform. #-o

Weird Dave
2004-Oct-17, 02:40 PM
(Possibly one for Brits only)
Why did Ali G take up particle physics?
Because he heard that the neutrino was massive.

What physical principle states that chickens cannot be created or destroyed?
Conservation of henergy.

What do beer and kangaroos have in common?
Hops.

My apologies to all for these. :D

Tranquility
2004-Oct-17, 06:47 PM
(Possibly one for Brits only)
Why did Ali G take up particle physics?
Because he heard that the neutrino was massive.


Bo :D . That was a good one.

Zachary
2004-Oct-17, 07:56 PM
hah, I have a couple of really bad maths jokes :P -

Q: Why is halloween the same a christmas?

A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC


At the end of the Great Flood, when Noah was releasing all the animals from the ark, he came across two snakes and said "go forth and multiply", but the snakes said "we can't, we're adders" (wait, there's more :P). Noah was a bit perplexed by this and went out to consult with God, and after two days returned to give his answer, but when he entered the room he saw it was filled with with small snakes. Suprised, he says "How did you go forth and multiply? I thought you were adders", and the original snakes reply "Yes, but you left us on a log table".

[collective groan] :P

And finally (not maths related):

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog.

[ducks]

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-17, 09:25 PM
Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

(Runs and hides)

Whit?

AndrewGPaul
2004-Oct-17, 09:32 PM
Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help :)

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-17, 09:33 PM
George Dubya was lying in bed one night with severe worries about his current politics.

He got up, put his coat on and went for a walk round Washington. He found himself by the Washington Memorial.

Suddenly he cried out.."What should I do!!?"

And a ghostly voice came from the Memorial..."..Go to the Jefferson Memorial.."

He went along to the Jefferson Memorial and again implored.."What should I do!!!?"

And a voice said "..Go to the Lincolm Memorial.."

He went on the the Lincoln Memorial, stood there and shouted with all his might..."What should I do!!!??"

And a voice said......."..go to the theatre...)

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-17, 09:34 PM
Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help :)


Prat! :lol: :lol: :lol:

AndrewGPaul
2004-Oct-17, 10:09 PM
hmmm, I appear to have made a fool of myself, by not getting the joke :(

Chuck
2004-Oct-17, 11:18 PM
God had instructed Abraham to sacrifice his son, but at the last moment, an angel came down and stopped the ritual, explaining that god had only meant to test Abraham's faith.

Some time later, god was walking in his garden and spied this angel nearby. He called the angel over.

"So, did you go down and stop the crucifixion like I asked you?"

Candy
2004-Oct-18, 04:42 AM
hmmm, I appear to have made a fool of myself, by not getting the joke :( Try being me with all the math jokes! :o

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-18, 08:51 AM
hmmm, I appear to have made a fool of myself, by not getting the joke :(

No, don't worry, I was the fool who didn't get the joke!

I only said 'prat!' when it hit home..me being the prat.

(Yanks reading this...prat = jerk in England.)

Gmann
2004-Oct-18, 12:50 PM
You guys think thats bad, I tried Chuck's "number of the beast" post on a few of my co-workers, and they didn't get it. I think I need to hang out with a higher order of hominids. (Many of these folks consider "Romper Room" Post Graduate work, nuff said.)

Bawheid
2004-Oct-18, 12:50 PM
Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help :)


Prat! :lol: :lol: :lol:

AGP, you nailed it with the phrasing.

RoC, yir a dunderheid, yir Granny will be black affronted.

mid
2004-Oct-18, 12:54 PM
Silly variation on Weird Dave's gag -

Why did Goldie get lost in the Amazon?
Because the Junglist Massive.

Bawheid
2004-Oct-18, 01:03 PM
Silly variation on Weird Dave's gag -

Why did Goldie get lost in the Amazon?
Because the Junglist Massive.

And suddenly I don't fell so bad about my joke. :D

SeanF
2004-Oct-18, 04:13 PM
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog.
That reminds me of one:

Q: What has four legs and can see equally well from both ends?

A: A blind horse.

:)

AndrewGPaul
2004-Oct-18, 06:03 PM
You guys think thats bad, I tried Chuck's "number of the beast" post on a few of my co-workers, and they didn't get it. I think I need to hang out with a higher order of hominids. (Many of these folks consider "Romper Room" Post Graduate work, nuff said.)

I still don't get "4969, the Prime of the Beast".

ZaphodBeeblebrox
2004-Oct-18, 09:26 PM
You guys think thats bad, I tried Chuck's "number of the beast" post on a few of my co-workers, and they didn't get it. I think I need to hang out with a higher order of hominids. (Many of these folks consider "Romper Room" Post Graduate work, nuff said.)

I still don't get "4969, the Prime of the Beast".

Um ...

It's a Prime Number ...

AndrewGPaul
2004-Oct-18, 09:34 PM
I was trying to figure out some significance to that particular Prime Number.

Oh, and i found this the other day:


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I porn-surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious porn-site of "hot chicks galore",
While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
"Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
Quoth the server, "404."

wackywizjr
2004-Oct-18, 10:12 PM
You guys think thats bad, I tried Chuck's "number of the beast" post on a few of my co-workers, and they didn't get it. I think I need to hang out with a higher order of hominids. (Many of these folks consider "Romper Room" Post Graduate work, nuff said.)

I still don't get "4969, the Prime of the Beast".

Um ...

It's a Prime Number ...

But what does it have to do with 666?

Swift
2004-Oct-18, 10:24 PM
It's the 666th prime number, starting with 2.
http://www.utm.edu/research/primes/lists/small/1000.txt

Candy
2004-Oct-19, 04:58 AM
Now, that's funny. :lol:

BoredHugeKrill
2004-Oct-19, 05:09 AM
Now, that's funny. :lol:

also, like, very sad, that somebody actually sat down and figured that out... :lol:

Regards
Krill

ToSeek
2004-Oct-19, 01:59 PM
Now, that's funny. :lol:

also, like, very sad, that somebody actually sat down and figured that out... :lol:

Regards
Krill

It would be easy enough to write a computer program to do that.

BoredHugeKrill
2004-Oct-19, 03:34 PM
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops for speeding. One of the cops leans over to the driver's window and says "excuse me, sir, have you any idea how fast you were going"?

Werner replies "no, but I know exactly where I am!"

frenat
2004-Oct-19, 03:48 PM
It's the 666th prime number, starting with 2.
http://www.utm.edu/research/primes/lists/small/1000.txt

When I count on that table, I get 4909 at the 666th prime. (10 per line, 66th line, 6th number.) 4969 comes out to be the 675th prime. Am I doing some thing wrong?

Swift
2004-Oct-19, 03:52 PM
It's the 666th prime number, starting with 2.
http://www.utm.edu/research/primes/lists/small/1000.txt

When I count on that table, I get 4909 at the 666th prime. (10 per line, 66th line, 6th number.) 4969 comes out to be the 675th prime. Am I doing some thing wrong?
That's what I did and I might have miss counted too? But that was my guess as to what was meant even before I started counting. I'm content to leave it as one of the mysteries of the Universe (had my fill of googling to figure out jokes) :wink:

Swift
2004-Oct-19, 03:54 PM
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops for speeding. One of the cops leans over to the driver's window and says "excuse me, sir, have you any idea how fast you were going"?

Werner replies "no, but I know exactly where I am!"
In one of our Men's rooms at work we have some graffiti that say "Heisenberg may have gone here". 8-[

frenat
2004-Oct-19, 04:09 PM
How about
(600) 202-0206 Phone number of the beast.


Kudos to the first who gets it. :D


More beastly numbers
http://members.aol.com/s6sj7gt/mike666.htm

frenat
2004-Oct-20, 01:04 AM
Nobody knows where the phone number of the beast comes from?
666 is actually not mentioned in the bible. It does however say six hundred, threescore, and 6. or 600 20 20 20 6 which can be grouped as a phone number. Incidentally it is a number in Canada.

Chuck
2004-Oct-20, 02:36 AM
666^666 =

271, 541, 759, 288, 712, 855, 826, 087, 455, 170, 021, 786, 027, 838, 521, 065, 016, 987, 178, 223, 004, 696, 578, 367, 534, 784, 603, 688, 013, 417, 861, 287, 317, 081, 040, 369, 394, 618, 136, 925, 376, 390, 776, 734, 814, 142, 359, 269, 954, 981, 438, 585, 309, 058, 005, 792, 575, 777, 286, 547, 766, 974, 032, 030, 622, 709, 400, 636, 076, 630, 337, 695, 472, 357, 344, 193, 883, 258, 618, 859, 601, 636, 747, 029, 392, 705, 682, 480, 231, 361, 672, 383, 305, 593, 666, 601, 292, 142, 319, 787, 714, 400, 226, 324, 514, 478, 109, 346, 054, 646, 257, 736, 974, 663, 071, 867, 802, 948, 304, 106, 037, 331, 337, 648, 245, 560, 659, 985, 653, 200, 111, 117, 423, 345, 076, 820, 028, 856, 039, 271, 697, 478, 224, 170, 953, 365, 430, 292, 002, 540, 313, 209, 626, 985, 629, 026, 842, 226, 720, 098, 365, 723, 596, 644, 589, 192, 169, 647, 865, 964, 771, 608, 482, 657, 447, 815, 673, 166, 354, 263, 425, 761, 875, 056, 075, 351, 412, 658, 924, 918, 167, 675, 222, 004, 537, 186, 685, 221, 728, 745, 459, 415, 025, 183, 608, 088, 786, 527, 610, 184, 833, 513, 790, 116, 757, 654, 287, 910, 149, 888, 366, 373, 032, 818, 151, 480, 800, 952, 809, 005, 528, 561, 125, 366, 155, 648, 578, 375, 191, 671, 516, 389, 923, 637, 068, 612, 545, 908, 928, 591, 509, 856, 524, 061, 271, 778, 433, 035, 659, 907, 099, 937, 099, 027, 157, 651, 275, 866, 007, 333, 020, 305, 683, 709, 128, 393, 004, 786, 162, 164, 158, 503, 634, 595, 479, 326, 165, 593, 895, 852, 888, 778, 701, 548, 580, 946, 457, 862, 112, 993, 933, 286, 295, 883, 107, 151, 254, 097, 505, 408, 450, 243, 425, 177, 831, 253, 342, 079, 786, 634, 358, 573, 748, 818, 965, 808, 816, 613, 570, 280, 697, 021, 834, 844, 832, 652, 027, 344, 442, 640, 175, 038, 787, 842, 736, 503, 395, 375, 213, 097, 324, 598, 270, 999, 348, 133, 857, 903, 750, 526, 167, 553, 966, 478, 796, 074, 667, 482, 527, 451, 958, 013, 385, 703, 152, 678, 559, 571, 864, 116, 226, 566, 032, 365, 908, 052, 857, 936, 209, 172, 690, 002, 387, 460, 244, 899, 885, 396, 862, 691, 793, 991, 738, 773, 357, 078, 062, 613, 492, 707, 085, 820, 369, 352, 745, 180, 327, 438, 422, 889, 555, 512, 909, 451, 485, 998, 615, 969, 501, 470, 146, 470, 402, 649, 889, 349, 212, 006, 778, 573, 387, 292, 851, 099, 036, 349, 527, 469, 520, 676, 832, 881, 968, 856, 724, 904, 460, 084, 994, 793, 476, 708, 042, 987, 577, 163, 193, 492, 415, 961, 223, 417, 659, 787, 157, 202, 545, 333, 783, 334, 777, 830, 218, 014, 905, 077, 675, 699, 766, 649, 698, 676, 892, 834, 587, 204, 825, 046, 787, 698, 439, 067, 298, 022, 983, 708, 693, 783, 338, 395, 078, 457, 245, 428, 904, 542, 657, 506, 873, 425, 865, 596, 233, 432, 542, 160, 135, 568, 886, 423, 752, 229, 229, 562, 648, 133, 533, 088, 569, 487, 318, 295, 430, 287, 726, 946, 641, 649, 809, 356, 760, 113, 688, 980, 954, 104, 973, 336, 888, 392, 785, 547, 924, 780, 056, 268, 147, 894, 207, 107, 543, 052, 594, 542, 403, 021, 659, 363, 655, 062, 233, 931, 413, 319, 416, 693, 234, 844, 064, 515, 946, 449, 947, 016, 545, 969, 427, 094, 539, 246, 444, 208, 735, 559, 647, 539, 174, 640, 853, 111, 520, 180, 776, 757, 872, 042, 024, 272, 504, 000, 286, 839, 563, 050, 880, 598, 016

in case anyone was interested.

Swift
2004-Oct-20, 01:41 PM
:o
Well I feel better for knowing that Chuck, thanks.

:wink:

Autarch
2004-Oct-20, 04:36 PM
I got a couple



What do you get when you cross a pig and a rat?

Pig rat sine theta



What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't cross a vector with a scalar! :P

Autarch
2004-Oct-20, 04:44 PM
(Possibly one for Brits only)
Why did Ali G take up particle physics?
Because he heard that the neutrino was massive.

Booyakasha!! Respect!!!

Swift
2004-Oct-20, 06:13 PM
I got a couple



What do you get when you cross a pig and a rat?

Pig rat sine theta



What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't cross a vector with a scalar! :P
oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh! That was a groaner (and thus I liked it) :D

tlbs101
2004-Oct-20, 06:56 PM
After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

Roentgen could see right through the host's attempt at trying to be sociable

Fourier wavered in his decision periodically.

Maxwell just waved at the postal carrier.

Siemens said he would be happy to gain admittance.

Babbage and Von Neuman both calculated they could be there, but Ada Lovelace got stuck in a recursion of trying to find proper clothing.

Watt was sick and didn't have the power to get out of bed.

Nyquist attended and enjoyed sampling half of the delicasies at the buffet.

Joule was the life of the party, with such energy.

Bell was still waiting for his telephoned invitation.

:D

.

snowcelt
2004-Oct-20, 07:51 PM
After a couple of hours it got so hot in the ball room that Tesla had to turn on the ac.

Faraday, as usual, was caging drinks off of everyone.

Kelvin was there, cold and aloof as ever.

Higgs was having a field day teasing Chandrasekhar because he had reach his alcohol limit.

Hubble and his wife arrived looking good. He wore a double breasted suit and she wore a simple red shift.

I don't know who the two biologists were, but they sure made a grand entrance when they came sliding down the spiral staircase.

Teller should have followed Chandrasekhar's example, because he sure got bombed.

There was one fellow running about hogging all the conversations. Everyone ignored him because he was such a Bohr.

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-20, 07:53 PM
Okay, prepare yourselves for a lowering in quality...

This man was walking home from a pub when a flying saucer appeared above him. Transfixed in a light beam, he lost consciousness.

When he woke up, he found himself in a circular white room. Clearly he was on board the flying saucer. As he looked around him in awed amazement, a door slid open and three tall, slim aliens entered the room.

The man was terrified, but the tallest of the aliens - apparently the leader - stepped forward, and said, "We will not harm you."

The man let himself relax. He watched, curious, as one of the less tall aliens opened a hatch and took out a chunk of masonry. The alien then threw the masonry at the man. He dodged aside, but not quickly enough - part of it grazed his cheek quite painfully.

Indignant, the man turned to the lead alien. "You just told me you wouldn't harm me!" he complained.

"Ah," said the leader, "when I said 'we' I was referring to Geoffrey and myself. I can't speak for Simon."

Normandy6644
2004-Oct-20, 08:33 PM
For those who have seen a bit more math...

There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

Stewardess: Why?!?
Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

#-o :lol:

tlbs101
2004-Oct-20, 08:48 PM
There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

Stewardess: Why?!?
Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

So, did the stewardess run back to the passenger compartment and grab the Polish twins across the aisle from the first one?

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-20, 09:27 PM
Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help :)


Prat! :lol: :lol: :lol:

AGP, you nailed it with the phrasing.

RoC, yir a dunderheid, yir Granny will be black affronted.

Wheesht, yer scunner!!

Gullible Jones
2004-Oct-20, 09:53 PM
I still don't get it... #-o

Candy
2004-Oct-20, 10:36 PM
For those who have seen a bit more math...

There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

Stewardess: Why?!?
Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

#-o :lol: They're called flight attendants now. And the word cockpit has been deemed offensive, so the new term is flight deck. :D

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-21, 01:40 PM
This isn't so much a joke as a funny true story.

My Mum was telling me about someone she knew in the States, a woman who was down in the basement one day doing her washing.

It was a hot day and the condensation was dripping off the ceiling, so she took her son's American football helmet and put it on, so as to protect her new hairdo from the drips.

Then she decided to wash the dress she was wearing, so she slipped it off and put it in the tub, meaning to put on a new dress when she went upstairs.

Suddenly, the door opened and the meter reader man walked in. She froze on the stop, standing there in her underwear with the football helmet on her head.

The meter reader man walked right past her and read the meter. Then he walked back towards the door.

He paused for a moment and looked her up and down.

"I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.

Meteora
2004-Oct-21, 01:49 PM
.
.
.
"I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.

True story? Are you sure? I've seen this before - Reader's Digest, I think.

Bawheid
2004-Oct-21, 02:11 PM
I still don't get it... #-o

If you mean the bakery "joke" I'll PM you.

pghnative
2004-Oct-21, 02:15 PM
It's the 666th prime number, starting with 2.
http://www.utm.edu/research/primes/lists/small/1000.txt

When I count on that table, I get 4909 at the 666th prime. (10 per line, 66th line, 6th number.) 4969 comes out to be the 675th prime. Am I doing some thing wrong?

It looks like you're both wrong. The 6th number on the 66th line is the 656th prime number. (note that the last number of the 1st line is #10 -- so the last number of line 66 is 660th)

But 4969, as you've noted, is the 5th number on the 67th line, making it the 665th (starting at 2). Perhaps whoever first wrote the joke considered "1" to be a prime number.


My joke: (in the technical theme of this thread) -- An engineer and a mathematician were at one end of a hall. A magic genie appeared who told them that their perfect mates were at the end of the hall --- but there was a catch. They were only allowed to travel halfway to the end each day. (1/2 the first day. Then 1/2 of the remainder, or 1/4, the next.) The engineer immediately started off. The mathemetician just stood there laughing. "You'll never get to the end of the hallway, it's impossible!" The engineer replied " yeah, but in a week or so I'll be within acceptable tolerances"

Normandy6644
2004-Oct-21, 02:19 PM
Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

"ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

Bawheid
2004-Oct-21, 03:33 PM
Let's leave no depth unplumbed.....

A man walks down a street carrying a thirty foot long fibreglass pole. Someone comes up to him and asks;
"Are you a polevaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

BlueAnodizeAl
2004-Oct-21, 04:00 PM
Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

"ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

Looks like Humphrey's typing.

Candy
2004-Oct-21, 06:34 PM
Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

"ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

Looks like Humphrey's typing. I was thinking the same thing, and then I saw your post. :lol:

Normandy6644
2004-Oct-21, 06:47 PM
Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

"ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

Looks like Humphrey's typing.

I guess it depends on what time it is as well. The later it gets, well, you know how it goes. :D

Candy
2004-Oct-21, 06:54 PM
There's a 747 in mid-flight, and by a freak chance both pilot and copilot have heart attacks and die. The stewardess, in a panic, rushes and grabs the first passesnger she sees (who happens to be Polish) and brings him into the cockpit. He sits at the controls, with all the knobs, switches, readouts, and levers before him. Finally he turns to the stewardess and says he can't do this.

Stewardess: Why?!?
Polish guy: 'cause I'm just a simple pole, and this is a complex plane.

So, did the stewardess run back to the passenger compartment and grab the Polish twins across the aisle from the first one? No one replied to how good this comeback was. Two poles! :lol:

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-21, 09:41 PM
.
.
.
"I sure hope yore team wins, lady!" he said, and walked out.

True story? Are you sure? I've seen this before - Reader's Digest, I think.

Well I can't get back to my Mum about it because she's dead now.

Perhaps she published it in Reader's Digest?

She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

AliCali
2004-Oct-22, 03:43 AM
She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.


A group of accountants and a group of lawyers from Los Angeles needed to be at a two-day seminar in San Diego, so they decided to take the train.

As they boarded the train, each lawyer had one ticket. However, the accountants, as a group, only had one ticket total. The lawyers were asking the accountants what they were going to do. "Don't worry," was the reply.

On the train, a lookout yelled, "The conductor's coming!" All the accountants piled into one bathroom. The conductor came around, saying, "Ticket, please; ticket, please..." When he saw the "occupied" sign on the bathroom, he knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please." A hand shot out with a ticket.

The lawyers were impressed. So after the seminar was over, and the accountants and lawyers were back on the train heading home, the lawyers, as a group, had exactly one ticket. The accountants didn't have any. The lawyers were asking the accountants what they were going to do. "Don't worry," was the reply.

A lookout yelled, "The conductor's coming!" All the lawyers piled into one bathroom, while all the accountants piled into another. But before the conductor came, one accountant walked out of his bathroom, knocked on the door of the lawyer's bathroom, and said, "Ticket, please."

Candy
2004-Oct-22, 03:52 AM
She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford? :lol:

Bawheid
2004-Oct-22, 10:24 AM
She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford? :lol:

Or Maman de Chelmsford if she used a nom de plume.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-22, 12:53 PM
She wrote over 50 books in her lifetime which you can still get on Amazon.

Hmm...couldn't find a Mrs. Chelmsford as an author.
Did you try O'Chelmsford, McChelmsford, or Fitzchelmsford? :lol:

Or Maman de Chelmsford if she used a nom de plume.

Call me a cowardy-custard but I'm a bit loath to give out my surname (and hers) for the sake of internet security.

She wrote under a number of pen-names too, but I don't know if they're on the search engines..

Mary Jane Warmington,
Jane Carrick,
Alice Mackie,
Jean Melville.

But don't buy her books for yourselves, just for your old grannies.

sidmel
2004-Oct-22, 03:08 PM
In the spirit of the season, here you go...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a h**ker blush. But when they get back
on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

Bawheid
2004-Oct-22, 03:15 PM
Sidmel =D> =D> =D>

pghnative
2004-Oct-22, 04:54 PM
In a similar vein:

Two nuns were driving down the road in full regalia: habits, crosses, rosary beads, etc. Suddenly a vampire leaped onto the hood of their car. In a panic, the driver shouted to the other nun "Quick, Sister, show him your cross!. So she leaned out the passenger window and screamed "Get the $%@# off of our car!!!

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-23, 08:19 AM
Joke my son made up when he was 5.

"Why did the dog bite the little boy's bottom?"

"Because it wanted his trousers as a bone."

mickal555
2004-Oct-25, 09:46 AM
Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8 ) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
16)Stand REALY close to the dore so when it opens people get a fright.

Paul Beardsley
2004-Oct-25, 11:06 AM
Speaking of lifts...

A few years back, I had occasion to get into a lift while I was on my own. I'd noticed before I got in that the light wasn't working. I thought, no big deal, it's only a couple of floors. But when the doors closed, I realised that there was no light at all. I was in a box in complete darkness with no way of doing anything about my situation - I couldn't see the buttons to go to my floor or to open the doors or to sound the alarm.

And I can't remember what I did next. Somehow I got to the right floor and got out. Either that or I'm still in there and the last few years have been a fantasy to help me cope.

mickal555
2004-Oct-25, 11:40 AM
Speaking of lifts...

A few years back, I had occasion to get into a lift while I was on my own. I'd noticed before I got in that the light wasn't working. I thought, no big deal, it's only a couple of floors. But when the doors closed, I realised that there was no light at all. I was in a box in complete darkness with no way of doing anything about my situation - I couldn't see the buttons to go to my floor or to open the doors or to sound the alarm.

And I can't remember what I did next. Somehow I got to the right floor and got out. Either that or I'm still in there and the last few years have been a fantasy to help me cope.
I love lifts.............

mickal555
2004-Oct-25, 11:46 AM
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

mickal555
2004-Oct-25, 12:33 PM
Not really a "joke," but it sure made me laugh.

"ENTROPY SEMINAR: The results of a five yeer studee ntu the sekend lw uf thurmodynamiks aand itz inevibl fxt hon shewb rt nslpn raq liot."

Looks like Humphrey's typing.

Um I was woundering if somone could tell me all traits that specific people have and why. I understand what being Toseeked means, but what doues glom's attention span thing mean and whats with humprey's spelling I've been woundering for some time..........

Gmann
2004-Oct-25, 01:03 PM
whats with humprey's spelling I've been woundering for some time.....

Wait till he makes a "hasty post", you'll see :o

Candy
2004-Oct-25, 02:08 PM
Um I was woundering if somone could tell me all traits that specific people have and why. I understand what being Toseeked means, but what doues glom's attention span thing mean and whats with humprey's spelling I've been woundering for some time.......... Humphrey misspells a lot, like you do. You should be great buddies. :wink:

Glom is just a puzzle, that I'd like to have the opportunity of putting together the pieces. :P All kidding aside, I would have to do a search of Glom's breakdown for his attention span. He is a upper-level student, so sometimes he is not able to post or read as much of the BABB as he would like. During school, his classmates often post threads about a particular course they share. I mark those as 'must' reads, so I can understand him more.

ToSeek is spelled ToSeek. :D

GrapesOfWrath/kilopi/milli360 (the love of my life)/A Thousand Pardons are all the same poster. But don't confuse their personalities, they change with the name. kilopi is now a term used to describe posters when they reach 3142. kilopi means 1000 pi.

HUb' is a legend. He is really into Earthquakes, Astrology, and Astronomy. He's obsessed with foreign people with foreign accents. It's so cute to read what he writes. The longer you are on the BABB, the easier it is to understand him. He has his own website that a few of us BABBers have joined.

There are so many more unique and intelligent people on the BABB. =D>

Someone should break down the speciality of the BABB sometime. Like I know to ask beskeptical or Mike Alexander when it comes to medical terms. swansont knows anything and everything about atomic clocks. ToSeek is a guru on Space Technology. Meteora and cyswxman are the weather experts. I could go all day long. 8)

ToSeek
2004-Oct-25, 02:14 PM
Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8 ) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
16)Stand REALY close to the dore so when it opens people get a fright.

A female friend of mine got on a crowded elevator with a male friend of mine, turned to him, and said in a loud voice, "So when are you finally going to tell your wife about us?"

:D

CTM VT 2K
2004-Oct-25, 04:05 PM
A female friend of mine got on a crowded elevator with a male friend of mine, turned to him, and said in a loud voice, "So when are you finally going to tell your wife about us?"

:D

After seeing the Frasier episode where Martin and Daphnie pulled a similar prank in the elevator, a few friends of mine and I started doing similar, though sometimes it was on the Bus, or while waiting in line somewhere on Campus. Unfortunately, sometimes certain people in our group would take it too far. I liked leaving it plauseable.


You get the stuff?
Yeah. Brian gave it to me after the dog passed it.
How much was it?
Oh, a few grams. It's pretty strong stuff.
......


Often we'd just be talking about parts and supplies for one hobby or another, but we'd do it in such a way as to make people think it was something illegal, or immoral.

Man, I miss College :lol:

SKY
2004-Oct-25, 06:23 PM
Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8 ) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
16)Stand REALY close to the dore so when it opens people get a fright.

A female friend of mine got on a crowded elevator with a male friend of mine, turned to him, and said in a loud voice, "So when are you finally going to tell your wife about us?"

:D

I had a male friend who every once in a while when we were in a crowded place would shout to me "STOP IT!!! I DON"T LOVE YOU!!! :oops:

Needless to say, after a few times I quit going anywhere with him.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-25, 09:17 PM
Mr and Mrs Hill were driving through a dark wood when their car broke down.

Through the trees they could see this dark old mansion so they got out of the car to go and ask for help. Mr Hill took the petrol can with him.

When they reached the door, Mrs Hill rang the bell, then the door opened with a loud creak. Standing inside was this tall man in evening dress with a cloak on which wasa red on the inside..Count Dracula!

Mr Hill says "Hello, we were wondering if we could have some petrol."

"I don't have any," says the Count, "but if you like you can come in and have a meal."

So Mr and Mrs Hill go into the mansion and are soon seated at the table. They are both feeling hungry so they eat all of the food which Count Dracula places in front of them.

Suddenly they both fall down dead on the floor..poisoned by the Count.

Dracula carries them both into another room and places each of them in a coffin whilst cackling with wicked laughter. :lol:

Then he goes across to his organ and starts to play this weird tune.

Suddenly Mr Hill's eyes open and he smiles, revealling sharp fangs. He slowly sits up in his coffin and looks at Dracula.

Mrs Hill follows suit with an equally horrible grin.

Dracula starts to sing in with his organ playing...

"The Hills are alive, with the sound of music..."

Candy
2004-Oct-25, 09:39 PM
Mr and Mrs Hill were driving through a dark wood when their car broke down.

Through the trees they could see this dark old mansion so they got out of the car to go and ask for help. Mr Hill took the petrol can with him.

When they reached the door, Mrs Hill rang the bell, then the door opened with a loud creak. Standing inside was this tall man in evening dress with a cloak on which wasa red on the inside..Count Dracula!

Mr Hill says "Hello, we were wondering if we could have some petrol."

"I don't have any," says the Count, "but if you like you can come in and have a meal."

So Mr and Mrs Hill go into the mansion and are soon seated at the table. They are both feeling hungry so they eat all of the food which Count Dracula places in front of them.

Suddenly they both fall down dead on the floor..poisoned by the Count.

Dracula carries them both into another room and places each of them in a coffin whilst cackling with wicked laughter. :lol:

Then he goes across to his organ and starts to play this weird tune.

Suddenly Mr Hill's eyes open and he smiles, revealling sharp fangs. He slowly sits up in his coffin and looks at Dracula.

Mrs Hill follows suit with an equally horrible grin.

Dracula starts to sing in with his organ playing...

"The Hills are alive, with the sound of music..."

So that's what happened to them for the few hours they lost all memories.

RIP BETTY AND BARNEY HILL

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-26, 11:04 AM
:lol:

Never thought of it like that!!

:lol:

sidmel
2004-Oct-26, 04:11 PM
Another Halloween joke...

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.


"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"



"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"

sidmel
2004-Oct-26, 04:14 PM
Oh, I'm pretty sure somebody should open a seperate thread for the why did the chicken cross the road jokes. I think we would get some pretty good answers.

Quantum mechanics: We'll worry about the reason later.

Tranquility
2004-Oct-26, 05:04 PM
The BABB's very own why the chicken crossed the road thread (http://www.badastronomy.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=13184&highlight=chicken+cross+road ).

SiriMurthy
2004-Oct-26, 05:17 PM
RIP BETTY AND BARNEY HILL

Excellent!
=D> =D> =D>

Wally
2004-Oct-26, 05:34 PM
as for practical jokes, I have a good female friend who called me at work one day. I wasn't at my desk though, so one of my coworkers answered my phone. Once told I wasn't there, she proceeded as follows:

Her: could you please leave him a message?

coworker: sure

her: This is doctor schmitts office, please let him know that his tests all came back negative, but that if the painful urination persists, he should call and make another appointment with the doctor.

I came back, read the message, glanced over at him, he's eying me over his terminal with a (bad word intentionally left out)-eating grin on his face. :)

SiriMurthy
2004-Oct-26, 06:42 PM
Speaking of lifts...

A few years back, I had occasion to get into a lift while I was on my own. I'd noticed before I got in that the light wasn't working. I thought, no big deal, it's only a couple of floors. But when the doors closed, I realised that there was no light at all. I was in a box in complete darkness with no way of doing anything about my situation - I couldn't see the buttons to go to my floor or to open the doors or to sound the alarm.

And I can't remember what I did next. Somehow I got to the right floor and got out. Either that or I'm still in there and the last few years have been a fantasy to help me cope.

I was in a similar situation a few months back at work.

There are 4 elevators in our 9-floor office building and usually only one elevator will position itself, with doors open on the first floor lobby.

This particular day, there was an elevator with doors open and I walked in to get to my 9th floor. While walking in I noticed that the overhead lights inside the elevator were off. I wasn't sure of this, however, because of the excessive illumination of the lobby floor and the glass walls inside the elevator reflecting a lot of light.

Anyway, I walked in and pressed the button for 9th floor. Doors closed and boy, was it dark inside. I was the only one in the elevator and it felt eerie. I had an uneventful ride to my floor, reached the 9th floor safe and sound and got off.

Chuck
2004-Oct-27, 12:37 AM
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/offthemark/archive/offthemark-20041026.html

Candy
2004-Oct-27, 07:38 AM
This is doctor schmitts office, please let him know that his tests all came back negative, but that if the painful urination persists, he should call and make another appointment with the doctor.

So what did the doctor say on the second visit?

http://smilies.jeeptalk.org/otn/funny/outtahere.gif

Wally
2004-Oct-27, 01:43 PM
This is doctor schmitts office, please let him know that his tests all came back negative, but that if the painful urination persists, he should call and make another appointment with the doctor.

So what did the doctor say on the second visit?

http://smilies.jeeptalk.org/otn/funny/outtahere.gif


He told me to stop urinating on electric fences. :wink:

NASA Fan
2004-Oct-29, 05:22 AM
Concerning the elevator jokes.

I loved it in the early part of Ghost, when Patrick Swaysee and his friend are talking about if the infection has cleared up, and what the symptoms are--coughing, and yes it is very infectious, he started coughing...for some reson the other people in the elevator gave them lots of room.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Oct-31, 05:39 PM
Good joke from Monty Python's Life of Brian.

Scene. Spectators at the Serman on the Mount.

First Spectator. What was that?

Second Spectator. I think it was 'Blessed are the Cheesemakers.'

Third Spectator. Well of course it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Wally
2004-Nov-01, 04:32 PM
Good joke from Monty Python's Life of Brian.

Scene. Spectators at the Serman on the Mount.

First Spectator. What was that?

Second Spectator. I think it was 'Blessed are the Cheesemakers.'

Third Spectator. Well of course it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Classic stuff! Nothing like lampooning while making a perfectly valid point at the same time. MP was great at that. . . =D>

MrObvious
2004-Nov-03, 04:26 AM
He told me to stop urinating on electric fences.


Ummm, that really hurts, it was dark and I had no idea that the fence had been turned on again. (how dumb did/do I feel?) :oops:

Hopping over electric fences can really hurt too. First thought is to let go of the fence. Second is to wish you didn't as it springs very quickly upwards. Third is not moving off the thing fast enough as the next bolt of electricity shoots through. Fourth is to wish you were alone when it happened :oops:

Also, never use a green blade of grass to test an electric fence, this time it wasn't me :D

Candy
2004-Nov-03, 05:57 AM
He told me to stop urinating on electric fences.


Ummm, that really hurts, it was dark and I had no idea that the fence had been turned on again. (how dumb did/do I feel?) :oops:

Hopping over electric fences can really hurt too. First thought is to let go of the fence. Second is to wish you didn't as it springs very quickly upwards. Third is not moving off the thing fast enough as the next bolt of electricity shoots through. Fourth is to wish you were alone when it happened :oops:

Also, never use a green blade of grass to test an electric fence, this time it wasn't me :D This is so funny, and it seems to only happen to boys/men. My brothers were victims, as well, growing up in the rural areas of Indiana. :lol:

I can only compare this to girls/women with toilet paper stuck to their shoes walking around. Not that it has ever happened to me in a public arena. :^o

mickal555
2004-Nov-03, 07:06 AM
You poor brothers once I was sitting on an electric fence (it was off) balincing on the wire, and my friend had the smart idea of turning it on (it was a real old one with no lock) I fell off backwards.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-03, 11:22 AM
Good joke from Monty Python's Life of Brian.

Scene. Spectators at the Serman on the Mount.

First Spectator. What was that?

Second Spectator. I think it was 'Blessed are the Cheesemakers.'

Third Spectator. Well of course it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Classic stuff! Nothing like lampooning while making a perfectly valid point at the same time. MP was great at that. . . =D>

Another fascinating point made by Monty Python is of how easy it is to fall foul of the truth.

"WHAT is your name??"

"Sir Galahad of Camelot."

"WHAT is your quest?"

"I seek the Grail."

"WHAT is your favourite colour?"

"Blue...no, ye....AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!"

And he is cast into the pit.

He said "Blue" because he thought that was the answer which would get him across the Bridge of Death, because Sir Launcelot had previously said it. But it was wrong, because in fact yellow was his favourite colour!"

How easy it is to get something wrong when your life depends on it.

(From Monty Python and the Holy Grail.)

Yellow is also my favourite colour..the colour of lager, whisky, wheat, blonde hair, gold and maize/sweetcorn. 8)

mickal555
2004-Nov-03, 11:29 AM
I like yellow also then white

MrObvious
2004-Nov-04, 05:31 AM
Candy wrote:

This is so funny, and it seems to only happen to boys/men. My brothers were victims, as well, growing up in the rural areas of Indiana.


Stand vs Squat, both have their ups and downs :wink:

Don't know about it being funny... well ok, it is after the fact, long after the fact to be precise. Hard to explain really, I can laugh about a lot of the accidents I've had, some pretty painfull ones but the electric fence on the privates trick just doesn't have the same appeal for me. **Sigh** I guess I'm losing my sense of humor in my old age :^o :D

Did I ever mention why you shouldn't sneeze when working under a car......

Candy
2004-Nov-04, 08:58 AM
Stand vs Squat, both have their ups and downs :wink: Oh, dear! :lol:

Did I ever mention why you shouldn't sneeze when working under a car...... No. 8-[

Wally
2004-Nov-04, 01:48 PM
Did I ever mention why you shouldn't sneeze when working under a car......

leastwise, you had better turn your head to the side! =D>

I can hear it now:

AaaaaaCHEWWWW!!!/BONK!!!!/OUWWWWW!!!!/#$!@#$$#$!!!!!

Moose
2004-Nov-04, 03:04 PM
An ex-gf once assured me that her neighbor's electric fence, the one we were walking next to, hadn't been electrified in decades. This, while I was watching the fence capacitate off a large metal bar lying on the ground with a big blue spark going off every second (and change).

I, ah, chose to keep my distance from the fence.

Tero
2004-Nov-07, 12:49 PM
A little bit of basic astronomy:

When the Moon is between the Earth and the Sun, it's a solar eclipse.
When the Earth is between the Moon and the Sun, it's a lunar eclipse.
When the Sun is between the Earth and the Moon, it's the end of the world.

Nicolas
2004-Nov-07, 09:33 PM
I do LOVE this Homer Simpson quote:

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that."

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-07, 10:12 PM
A little bit of basic astronomy:

When the Moon is between the Earth and the Sun, it's a solar eclipse.
When the Earth is between the Moon and the Sun, it's a lunar eclipse.
When the Sun is between the Earth and the Moon, it's the end of the world.

Definition of a 'mistress.' It's sort of somewhere between a mister and a mattress.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-07, 10:14 PM
Old joke.

Red Indian Chief says to his squaw..

"Bring me 200 gallons of tea."

"But why?" she asks.

"Because I haven't had a drink all week!"

So she brews up all this tea and gives it to him and he downs the lot.

Next morning they found him dead in his tipi.

mickal555
2004-Nov-07, 10:24 PM
I don' ge................ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 8-[

MrObvious
2004-Nov-08, 12:49 AM
Stand vs Squat, both have their ups and downs :wink: Oh, dear! :lol:

Did I ever mention why you shouldn't sneeze when working under a car...... No. 8-[

Wally's description is close, but for one small effect: Reflex action.

Head goes up hits car chassis, reflex takes over forces head down. Head hits concrete, reflex action takes over and forces head up......

Problem is that sneezing has quite some energy so the initial hit is very painful and the reflex action proportional to the pain (thats what it felt like for me). Within about 2 seconds my head hit top and bottom at least ten times, witnesses say it sounded like a fast drum beat! Worst thing was I had no control to stop the bouncing. Thinking while being severly beaten is slooow, a good two seconds passed before I could use my hands to stop my head. My little finger was almost broken during this attempt as I hadn't fully straightened it and it got caught between the chassis and my forehead. :oops:

Wally,
I couldn't turn to the side due to the clearance. Oddly the same thing happened about an hour later. I attempted to get out as soon as I felt the urge to sneeze but failed to make the whole distance. At least this time I placed my hands on top and bottom to stop the bouncing, it sort of worked...

And that's why you should never sneeze while working under a car :D

Careless
2004-Nov-08, 12:51 AM
And that's why you should never sneeze while working under a car :D
Not to be... you, but couldn't you, you know, turn your head sideways?

MrObvious
2004-Nov-08, 01:05 AM
And that's why you should never sneeze while working under a car :D
Not to be... you, but couldn't you, you know, turn your head sideways?

Lack of clearance means you'll just hit the side of your head, as well as causing cutting since now the head moves sideways too. I wouldn't recommend keeping the torso straight and just turning your head anyway, it could cause more serious damage. :(

I suppose everyone is differrent, my sneezes are quite violent. My body bends and more often than not if I'm standing at the time my feet leave the ground :o

Yeah I've been told I'm weird.... :)

Candy
2004-Nov-08, 08:18 AM
... witnesses say it sounded like a fast drum beat! :o

:lol:

Wally
2004-Nov-08, 05:10 PM
Wally's description is close, but for one small effect: Reflex action.

Head goes up hits car chassis, reflex takes over forces head down. Head hits concrete, reflex action takes over and forces head up......

Problem is that sneezing has quite some energy so the initial hit is very painful and the reflex action proportional to the pain (thats what it felt like for me). Within about 2 seconds my head hit top and bottom at least ten times, witnesses say it sounded like a fast drum beat! Worst thing was I had no control to stop the bouncing. Thinking while being severly beaten is slooow, a good two seconds passed before I could use my hands to stop my head. My little finger was almost broken during this attempt as I hadn't fully straightened it and it got caught between the chassis and my forehead. :oops:

Wally,
I couldn't turn to the side due to the clearance. Oddly the same thing happened about an hour later. I attempted to get out as soon as I felt the urge to sneeze but failed to make the whole distance. At least this time I placed my hands on top and bottom to stop the bouncing, it sort of worked...

And that's why you should never sneeze while working under a car :D

=D> :lol: =D> Laughed til I cried when I read this this morning! Sorry for the injuries, but man, that's funny stuff!!!!

mickal555
2004-Nov-08, 09:40 PM
While were talking about griversos bodly harm,
Names may have been changed
Once a bricklayer was laying bricks at the top of a building but when he finished he relised he could't get all the bricks down so fred got a bucket some rope and made up a pully system so he can lower them down fred tied the rope at the bottem and then filled up the bucket climbing back down he untied the rope. Since he underestimated the wight Fred whent flying up screeming in terror not missing the bucket of bricks he then crushed his fingers in the pully, But the bottem of the buckt fell out so the fun reverced he came fling down landing on the ground breaking his legs then because of the epmty buckt flying up so fast it disloged the pully it fell down and since fred could move it hit him knoking fred out cold. He did survive.

:o Owch

MrObvious
2004-Nov-08, 10:32 PM
Laughed til I cried when I read this this morning! Sorry for the injuries, but man, that's funny stuff!!!!


Yep, so did everyone there. Not straight after coz I was stumbling and they didn't know what happened, but as soon as I was coherent enough to tell them they did. Work slowed down for 15minutes due to no one being able to go more than a few seconds without breaking out again. :lol:

Really, really , really not recomended, but hilarious after the fact. The headache's a beauty too! Ahh, brings back fond memories of my crazy youth.....

Careless
2004-Nov-08, 10:45 PM
While were talking about griversos bodly harm,
Names may have been changed
Once a bricklayer was laying bricks at the top of a building but when he finished he relised he could't get all the bricks down so fred got a bucket some rope and made up a pully system so he can lower them down fred tied the rope at the bottem and then filled up the bucket climbing back down he untied the rope. Since he underestimated the wight Fred whent flying up screeming in terror not missing the bucket of bricks he then crushed his fingers in the pully, But the bottem of the buckt fell out so the fun reverced he came fling down landing on the ground breaking his legs then because of the epmty buckt flying up so fast it disloged the pully it fell down and since fred could move it hit him knoking fred out cold. He did survive.

:o Owch
You left out a couple of parts. I believe both snopes and the darwin awards have this story on their respective sites.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-09, 10:14 AM
"Have you ever been abroad?"

"No, I've always been a feller."

:-?

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-09, 10:20 AM
Edited by author.

mickal555
2004-Nov-09, 10:32 AM
(A knowledge of small English towns would help the appreciation of this dubious joke.)

Two salesmen stop at a small hotel and check in. It is being run by a little old lady who is very hard of hearing.

She says to the first one.."Where are you from?

"Saltburn-on-Sea," he says.

"Excuse, me, where?" she asks.

"SALTBURN!"

"WHERE?"

"SALT!! BURN!!"

He takes the salt off the table, shakes some into his hand and throws it onto the fire.

"SALT BURN!" he repeats.

"Oh, yes, " she nods.

Then she turns to the other salesman.

"Where are you from?"

:o . he says.
[-X

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-09, 12:55 PM
Edited by author.

mickal555
2004-Nov-09, 01:03 PM
ohhhhhhhh it was't that bad was it

snowcelt
2004-Nov-09, 01:24 PM
(A knowledge of small English towns would help the appreciation of this dubious joke.)

Two salesmen stop at a small hotel and check in. It is being run by a little old lady who is very hard of hearing.

She says to the first one.."Where are you from?

"Saltburn-on-Sea," he says.

"Excuse, me, where?" she asks.

"SALTBURN!"

"WHERE?"

"SALT!! BURN!!"

He takes the salt off the table, shakes some into his hand and throws it onto the fire.

"SALT BURN!" he repeats.

"Oh, yes, " she nods.

Then she turns to the other salesman.

"Where are you from?"

"Cockermouth." he says.
[-X

Reminds me of a joke my dad pulled of in England fifty years ago. This is supposed to be true.

My dad was over in the mother country looking for a cousin of some type which his English mother referred him to. Already out of sorts because all the pubs closing at 10PM in England, he was in a bad mood. He was looking for a town called Featherstonehaugh and asked a local where it was, sounding it out as spelt. The local laughed at my dad like he was the village idiot and informed him it was pronounced Fanshaw.
So, after directions were given, the local said he was always wanting to go to Niagara Falls. My dad, in a fit of revenge, said that the local was a fool because every one knows that Niagara Falls is pronounced Ni Fills.

Richard of Chelmsford
2004-Nov-09, 03:55 PM
I actually edited out this joke as perhaps it is a little too dubious, but in fact Snowy raises an interesting point.

There actually is a Cockermouth..it's in the English Lakes,

Also, I used to live there..

Also, I was a salesman!..so I was usually the one who was the butt of the humour. My only recourse was to make up the jokes and pre-emp all the jokers, which is where this one came from.

Awfully sorry if anyone is offended by it.

Snowy's point..well, due to the presence of Vikings and other marauders in Britain we've got lots of villages with very funny names..sometimes with odd pronunciations.

Torpenhow..pronounced 'Troppenna' is one example.

Aspatria..that's a Roman name. Blennerhasset. Bolton Low Houses Unthank and so on.

There are a couple of villages called 'Once Brewed' and 'Twice Brewed' and, in fact the inhabitants of Once Brewed won't speak to the inhabitants of Twice Brewed because they failed to warn them of the approach of the Vikings.

In the South of England there is a village called Pratt's Bottom.

(Prat is an English colloquialism for an idiot.)

But I just prefer Chelmsford.!

mickal555
2004-Nov-09, 03:58 PM
I actually edited out this joke as perhaps it is a little too dubious, but in fact Snowy raises an interesting point.

There actually is a Cockermouth..it's in the English Lakes,

Also, I used to live there..

Also, I was a salesman!..so I was usually the one who was the butt of the humour. My only recourse was to make up the jokes and pre-emp all the jokers, which is where this one came from.

Awfully sorry if anyone is offended by it.

Snowy's point..well, due to the presence of Vikings and other marauders in Britain we've got lots of villages with very funny names..sometimes with odd pronunciations.

Torpenhow..pronounced 'Troppenna' is one example.

Aspatria..that's a Roman name. Blennerhasset. Bolton Low Houses Unthank and so on.

There are a couple of villages called 'Once Brewed' and 'Twice Brewed' and, in fact the inhabitants of Once Brewed won't speak to the inhabitants of Twice Brewed because they failed to warn them of the approach of the Vikings.

In the South of England there is a village called Pratt's Bottom.

(Prat is an English colloquialism for an idiot.)

But I just prefer Chelmsford.!
We have a Mt. dissapointment. The capatil Puppa new guina (or somthing) is Boganville I think

pghnative
2004-Nov-09, 04:20 PM
In the US, Intercourse, PA, is only a few miles from both Bareville, PA and Blue Ball, PA.

And no, I'm not making this up. See map here (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?location=Qet51ZanFa7tWshXcChYB0ag%2f6N4cSM iZA3FGt1i9tfkKb%2b8JCQTnleNjhMzcSz5NkTvByyuazTvJZt JFyxeblJLU1F07O9E&searchtype=address&searchtab=add ress&countryid=US&address=&city=Blue%20Ball&state= PA&zipcode=&country=US&addtohistory=), zoom in one level, then scroll South and West (twice if necessary).

mickal555
2004-Nov-09, 04:27 PM
In the US, Intercourse, PA, is only a few miles from both Bareville, PA and Blue Ball, PA.

And no, I'm not making this up. See map here (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?location=Qet51ZanFa7tWshXcChYB0ag%2f6N4cSM iZA3FGt1i9tfkKb%2b8JCQTnleNjhMzcSz5NkTvByyuazTvJZt JFyxeblJLU1F07O9E&searchtype=address&searchtab=add ress&countryid=US&address=&city=Blue%20Ball&state= PA&zipcode=&country=US&addtohistory=), zoom in one level, then scroll South and West (twice if necessary).
What about lake placid

Laser Jock
2004-Nov-09, 04:28 PM
In the US, Intercourse, PA, is only a few miles from both Bareville, PA and Blue Ball, PA.

And no, I'm not making this up. See map here (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?location=Qet51ZanFa7tWshXcChYB0ag%2f6N4cSM iZA3FGt1i9tfkKb%2b8JCQTnleNjhMzcSz5NkTvByyuazTvJZt JFyxeblJLU1F07O9E&searchtype=address&searchtab=add ress&countryid=US&address=&city=Blue%20Ball&state= PA&zipcode=&country=US&addtohistory=), zoom in one level, then scroll South and West (twice if necessary).

PA has some great city names. King of Prussia, PA (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&countryid=US&addtohistory=&sear chtab=address&searchtype=address&address=&city=kin g+of+prussia&state=pa&zipcode=&search=++Search++) is my favorite.

Tranquility
2004-Nov-09, 04:28 PM
In the US, Intercourse, PA, is only a few miles from both Bareville, PA and Blue Ball, PA.

And no, I'm not making this up. See map here (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?location=Qet51ZanFa7tWshXcChYB0ag%2f6N4cSM iZA3FGt1i9tfkKb%2b8JCQTnleNjhMzcSz5NkTvByyuazTvJZt JFyxeblJLU1F07O9E&searchtype=address&searchtab=add ress&countryid=US&address=&city=Blue%20Ball&state= PA&zipcode=&country=US&addtohistory=), zoom in one level, then scroll South and West (twice if necessary).

I also see Leacock.

snowcelt
2004-Nov-09, 05:20 PM
Newfoundland and Labrador have a couple beauties I would like too share.
Come-by-Chance and Dildo. Look 'em up if you do not believe me.

JimTKirk
2004-Nov-09, 06:48 PM
I like some of the places in Michigan (I was born there).


Hell

Heaven

Climax

Paradise


Hmmm!!! :wink:

snowcelt
2004-Nov-09, 06:56 PM
There is a town in British Columbia called Hope. Just up the Fraser Canyon is a small town called Spuzzum.

Of course the town sign says that "Spuzzum is beyond Hope."

NASA Fan
2004-Nov-09, 07:15 PM
I suppose everyone is differrent, my sneezes are quite violent. My body bends and more often than not if I'm standing at the time my feet leave the ground :o

Yeah I've been told I'm weird.... :)

You comment makes me feel better, I will sometimes lift one leg when I sneeze, I am not sure if it truly helps any, but I feel like it does something, and I guess that as long as it does not hurt anyone that it is ok.

sarongsong
2004-Nov-10, 06:12 AM
Two female ostriches walking down the beach notice they are being followed by two males, and begin to walk faster. The boys speed up, too. As the girls break into a trot, they soon realize this won't work. "What'll we do?", asked the one. "I've an idea", replied her friend, whispering in her ear. Suddenly, the girls come to a halt, immediately placing their heads under the sand. As the boys come to a confused stop, one shouts to the other, "Where'd they go?!"

Careless
2004-Nov-10, 10:08 AM
Two female ostriches walking down the beach notice they are being followed by two males, and begin to walk faster. The boys speed up, too. As the girls break into a trot, they soon realize this won't work. "What'll we do?", asked the one. "I've an idea", replied her friend, whispering in her ear. Suddenly, the girls come to a halt, immediately placing their heads under the sand. As the boys come to a confused stop, one shouts to the other, "Where'd they go?!"
I can't help but feel slightly responsible for this

sidmel
2004-Nov-10, 03:04 PM
Things everybody from Kentucky know.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Kentucky.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky, plus a couple no one's seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
"Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
It is not a "shopping cart"; it is a "buggy."
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store and "Fixinto" is one word.
There "ain't" no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.
Ice Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
"Backards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
You know what "cow tipping" is.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, hot sauce, and catsup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
You know whether another Kentuckian is from east, west, or middle Kentucky as soon as they open their mouth.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

sarongsong
2004-Nov-11, 12:07 PM
...I can't help but feel slightly responsible for this
"..."Even a joke should have some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.'
`I don't deny things with my HANDS,' Alice objected.
`Nobody said you did,' said the Red Queen. `I said you couldn't if you tried.'..."
Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass Ch. 9 (http://www.literaturepage.com/read/throughthelookingglass-83.html)

jfribrg
2004-Nov-17, 05:47 PM
Its been almost a week without a new joke. I heard this one today, and it is so nerdy and so bad that I just had to say it.

Don't say you weren't warned.







What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh!

Chuck
2004-Nov-17, 11:38 PM
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20020903
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030908
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030128
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20021009
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20020926
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20020827
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20021224
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030207
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030407
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030414
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030506
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030731
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20030811
http://rev-fun.gospelcom.net/add_toon_info.php?date=20040109

Makgraf
2004-Nov-18, 05:52 AM
Q: What do you call a bunch of iron ions arranged in a circle?
A: A Ferrous wheel!

mickal555
2004-Nov-20, 02:45 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 08:31 PM
Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that he claimed would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested.

The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

Sarawak
2009-Jun-25, 08:44 PM
If it's nacho cheese, then whose is it?

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 09:25 PM
Ouch!

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 09:29 PM
True story heard on the news -

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving."

Sarawak
2009-Jun-25, 10:16 PM
True story heard on the news -

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving."

Well, they're right.

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 10:50 PM
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 10:51 PM
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-25, 10:52 PM
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'"

roverich
2009-Jun-30, 04:41 AM
A stupid fox and an smart fox were wandering around a small patch of woods and they both got caught in a bear trap ...The stupid fox said "man, we are screwed" The smart fox said "naw, we will be alright , all we have to do is chew your foot off and we are free" ..Well , the stupid fox said " .."no way" ...The smart fox said "well, i am out of here" and started chewing ...About 2 weeks later the smart fox was in the same little patch of woods and came across the stupid fox still stuck in the trap ...The stupid fox says to the smart fox "some advice you gave me , I done chewed through three of my feet and i am still stuck" ..

Gigabyte
2009-Jun-30, 05:04 AM
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.


Her husband responds,"But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Nick
2009-Jun-30, 12:24 PM
A cafe near me offers "Breakfast served at anytime", so I ordered French toast during the renaissance (Steve Wright).

Also re the 'scottish' joke, if you do know a Jock (preferably one with a broad accent, like Glaswegian), unprompted, get them to say "purple burglar alarms".

They cannot - too many rrrrrr's and they get tongue tied :D

Nick

mahesh
2009-Jun-30, 06:27 PM
yellow lorry, red lorry......

Gigabyte
2009-Jul-01, 12:55 AM
A man walks down a street carrying a thirty foot long fibreglass pole. Someone comes up to him and asks;
"Are you a polevaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

mahesh
2009-Jul-04, 01:05 PM
Well....in the same tone as Robinson...at the Olympics, it had to happen...
this from wiki, an Indian Olympian....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milkha_Singh

After one of his famous races, he was catching his breath, sitting on the ground.
A reporter approaches him, mike in hand, for comment and asks 'Are you relaxing?'
Shaking his head, he replies, 'No, I'm Milkha Singh!'....bless his cottons.

mahesh
2009-Jul-04, 03:19 PM
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.


Her husband responds,"But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Okay, Beardsley...you asked for it.....
following Robinson's footsteps:

This Indian chief, Native American, Sweet Potato, is perplexed by his wives and children. He is outside his teepee, lying down, has been cogitating, see......

This sunny afternoon, after a nice long slow lunch they are all reposing.

SP's number#1 wife is lying down on animal skin and playing wth her twins.
wife # 2, on another animal hide, is relaxing with her son, snuggling & giggling. wife #3 is googoo-gaagaa with her child on another hide. Chief Sweet Potato wonders about wife #1, having twins. and the others not. He is peplexed and thinks there's something wrong.

So Chief Sweet Potato approaches his Medicine Man and asks him, how come one of his wives has got two kids, the others not... Something is wrong, he says.

The medicine man sits him down, thinks for a moment and reassures him:

Why! Didn't you know, the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides?

Gigabyte
2009-Jul-04, 04:17 PM
Oh no, what have I started?

Gigabyte
2009-Jul-04, 04:18 PM
A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

Gigabyte
2009-Jul-04, 04:18 PM
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

Paul Beardsley
2009-Jul-04, 04:23 PM
Okay, Beardsley...you asked for it.....
How???????????

mahesh
2009-Jul-05, 11:57 AM
How???????????

okay...Beardsley....there's this guy, goes on a vacation to the States.
Chartered / group thingie...

They're on a tour of the reservations, visiting, apparently, wait for it, the oldest living Native American Chief, with an infallible memory.. (could've been our Sweet Potato...i dunno, wasn't there)
So this guy is in the queue....soon it's his turn...comes across this chief sitting majestically, cogitating.

The chap kneels down in respect and gently asks "Sir, what did you have for breakfast on your seventh birthday?". The chief smiles and replies "Eggs!". The guy is suitably impressed and walks away.

Many years later the guy now married and with kids, decides to revisit that same place with his kids and wife, perhaps to impress them....sure enough the Chief is still there, though aged and with slightly dodgy hearing.

So with his family in tow, he approaches the Chief
and shouts out a "How!"....quick as a flash, the chief replies "Scrambled!".

mahesh
2009-Jul-05, 12:00 PM
How???????????

I dunno, ask Robinson!!!??!!
Well, yourself too....cast your mind back to that october morning, tennish....(OP)!!
any one for tennish?

Paul Beardsley
2009-Jul-05, 12:06 PM
I dunno, ask Robinson!!!??!!
Well, yourself too....cast your mind back to that october morning, tennish....(OP)!!
any one for tennish?

Ah, yes. I see what you mean.

mahesh
2009-Jul-05, 12:15 PM
Oh no, what have I started?

Ed Zachary!

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 02:40 AM
So, this lady walks into a pet store. There is a parrot in a cage.

uncommonsense
2009-Aug-10, 02:46 AM
And?

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 02:50 AM
The parrot looks at the woman and screeches, "RAAAWK! Lady you have a big ...."

Wait, I can't tell this joke here. Sorry.

uncommonsense
2009-Aug-10, 02:52 AM
So a sandwitch walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says:"sorry, we don't serve food here."

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:00 AM
So this Pirate walks into a bar.

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:00 AM
He has a parrot, an eye patch, a peg leg, a hook and a bunch of scars.

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:01 AM
The bartender looks at him, and the pirate yells. "Rum! And lots of it yee scurvy dog".

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:02 AM
The bartender serves him, and notices the pirate has a steering wheel in his pants.

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:02 AM
The bartender says, "I get the eye patch, the parrot, the hook, peg leg and the scars, but what is up with the steering wheel?"

Gigabyte
2009-Aug-10, 03:03 AM
The pirate fixes him with his one good eye, and says, "Arhh, I dunno. But it's driving me nuts"