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NorthernDevo
2013-Mar-16, 02:20 AM
I've been a real jerk lately, haven't I?

I've spent the day thinking about this and every conclusion I come to points out the fact that I have been in the wrong here.

For those that haven't been following this stupid soap opera, let me sum up quickly:
I am an alcoholic. Two Sundays ago I quit drinking cold-turkey. I thought I would post my progress through alcohol withdrawal on this forum to provide incentive and disciplinary focus. The Moderators closed the post. I was highly emotional and vulnerable when they did so; I took the closing extremely personally. For what it's worth, I still don't agree with their decision and maintain the action caused me great unneccessary pain and stress at a time when I was at my weakest. I stated that I would not return to the board until an apology is offered.

But let's be honest here - or at least, let me be honest with myself: Was their action really so terrible? I felt so at the time, I still feel it was insensitive. But am I going to be that guy I always hated - the one that wraps himself up in his own ego and can't forgive a mistake? The one who spends his life muttering pointless grudges?

No.

I've been a jerk here. Yes the past two weeks have been terrible, and yes I would have liked the support this forum could have provided, but to be fair; I haven't been anything resembling a good neighbor during that time. Demanding an apology? That isn't my way. Never has been. It was a stupid, self-centered thing to do and I am sorry.

I'm sorry for the things I said to the Moderators via PM. As stated I was emotional and in pain but the things I said were neither fair nor rational. The fact that I am still here is a testament to their maturity and thoughtfulness. I am sorry for the posts I placed on this forum; even as late as yesterday. As I just said in a PM to a moderator, I don't know if I'm back at 100% yet; total sobriety is strange to me and I have no idea if my brain is working like it should yet. It feels like it is, but it felt like that yesterday and look at the post I wrote. It's going to take time before I know for sure what 'normal' is.

I just want this whole stupid situation to end. I started it, it was my fault, I want to apologize and let the matter rest. I'm not going to say 'forget it all happened' because if anything; that would be even more stupid. Much has been said here; much has been learned. Many people have said many important things about the situation and I, for one, am grateful people stood up to speak their minds. Some spoke for me, some against; all spoke with honesty and honour. You all have my thanks.

One other thing: There seems to be some confusion about why I changed my name and why, while I was dealing with my crisis, I 'outed' myself. Let me explain.
I couched it in terms of 'wanting to find myself' etc., and that is an important reason but my name-change was mostly a practical matter. There is a person in the real world I want to avoid - I have gone so far as to move thousands of miles away to avoid him. The reasons don't matter. What does matter is that he has found me on this board - he is now a member of this forum though he neither reads nor posts. He just uses the Search feature to track me down and send me hostile PM's. By simply changing my name; I hoped I could beat 'Search' and avoid him.

The thing is, that doesn't really seem to matter anymore. After having been through what I have in the past two weeks my priorities seem to have shifted somewhat. I don't really care if he follows me here or not; he's no threat to me now.

It's strange, isn't it? I mean - here's me; a combat veteran who's been through two wars; who has fought PTSD, poverty and depression; and I was running away from someone who couldn't hurt me at all. It took a battle harder than any I've fought before to make me see that.

I'm going to keep the name though. 'NorthernDevo'. Looks good on me, if I do say so myself. :D

I have one last message; and this one is for a particular person: Gillianren. And I want it to be public; so please don't tell me a PM would be more appropriate.

Gillian: I'm not sure why, but you are my favourite person on this forum. It might be your kind compassion, your sweetness or the powerful intellect you unleash so easily during any argument but you are the person I think of when I think of this forum. I want to thank you for your strong defence of my position and to answer a post you made two weeks ago. You posted that you hoped I would find myself. Well, here's your answer.

I took this picture about 6 weeks ago, when I was re-introducing myself to the Orbiter forum:
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8043/8390892557_caab581311.jpg

I took this picture 6 minutes ago while typing this post:
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8508/8561376830_cb46e9832f.jpg

The difference might be slight, but it's there. I don't know if I've found the person I'm looking for but right now, I'm starting to like the man doing the looking a little bit more.

Thanks friends.

KaiYeves
2013-Mar-16, 02:50 AM
You're welcome, NorthernDevo, and I wish you good luck on this journey of yours.

Cougar
2013-Mar-16, 12:03 PM
Welcome back to Earth. You didn't have to make Gillianren cry, though. ;)

LookingSkyward
2013-Mar-16, 01:26 PM
Made me a little misty, too. Welcome back!

Gillianren
2013-Mar-16, 03:00 PM
Welcome back to Earth. You didn't have to make Gillianren cry, though. ;)

Hey, I cry easily these days. Bipolar and hormonal is such a fun combination!

Trebuchet
2013-Mar-16, 03:06 PM
Welcome back, hope things keep getting better.

Have you reported the hostile PM's to the mods? There's no excuse for that kind of behavior.

ETA: Just checked, there is a "report" button (little black triangle) on PM's.

Buttercup
2013-Mar-16, 03:12 PM
I wish you well, NorthernDevo. :)

NorthernDevo
2013-Mar-17, 07:01 AM
Holy Smokes. Couldn't click on this forum all day; I was too afraid of the answers I might see; both to this post and to my PM's - I sent out apologies to the mods I'd been fighting needlessly with.

I seem to be getting better by the day, but it's really hard to tell. I have trouble focusing. I thought my mind would be clear as a bell once the alcohol was gone but it seems there's a bit of reprogramming that needs to be done up there; or whatever.

The thing that bothers me is I really, really want a drink. I never liked the taste of alcohol; I liked the inebriation, though rye and coke in a 50-50 combo did go down quite well.
There is still a mickey in my freezer; that's the 'Mickey' I speak of when I refer to my enemy. I really should throw it away but I won't until I can do it easily; without a sense of loss. I'm still pretty delicate; even the sight of that little plastic bottle makes me retch right now.
My taste buds are ganging up on me though; they're trying to tell me just how much I liked the taste. It's like the bloody Conservative party: "You hate everything we're doing but we're going to say you like it. If we say it enough you'll give in."
Yeah yeah; I know - no politics. What can I say? I'm CANADIAN! :D

One day at a time, folks. I hate to think about it like this but I have to be realistic: the physical withdrawal was the easy part; the actual addiction remains and that's gonna take a lot more time to beat. But the important thing is you guys have my back; I forgot that.
I will not forget it again.

NorthernDevo
2013-Mar-17, 07:28 AM
Welcome back, hope things keep getting better.

Have you reported the hostile PM's to the mods? There's no excuse for that kind of behavior.

ETA: Just checked, there is a "report" button (little black triangle) on PM's.

(Chuckle) Yeah, I know. The mods know too; they helped me with my name-change, after all. But he's my problem. So far he hasn't been a problem since I ripped four kinds of cr#p out of him in my last response - the night before I changed my name - but I know he'll be back; he's that type.

When he does, I'll be ready.

Gillianren
2013-Mar-17, 04:58 PM
Have you read this?

http://www.cracked.com/article_18824_5-things-nobody-tells-you-about-quitting-drinking.html

It's by one of my favourite Cracked writers, and he's been where you are. I now read all of his pieces, even if I couldn't care less about the subject matter. Or anyway, I start them; he lost me once when it was about nothing but sports. However, his addiction-related pieces are valuable.

starcanuck64
2013-Mar-17, 10:40 PM
Holy Smokes. Couldn't click on this forum all day; I was too afraid of the answers I might see; both to this post and to my PM's - I sent out apologies to the mods I'd been fighting needlessly with.

I seem to be getting better by the day, but it's really hard to tell. I have trouble focusing. I thought my mind would be clear as a bell once the alcohol was gone but it seems there's a bit of reprogramming that needs to be done up there; or whatever.



That's how I approached the issues that were behind my PTSD, malware that needed to be reprogrammed, it is possible to recover from the trauma that causes PTSD and from the sounds of it you already have a lot of the skills and insight you need.

It took me a long time to learn to not be so hard on myself, something I'm still working on. Make sure you give yourself the room to make mistakes, learn from then and move on to the next challenge.

NorthernDevo
2013-Mar-21, 05:44 AM
Have you read this?

http://www.cracked.com/article_18824_5-things-nobody-tells-you-about-quitting-drinking.html

It's by one of my favourite Cracked writers, and he's been where you are. I now read all of his pieces, even if I couldn't care less about the subject matter. Or anyway, I start them; he lost me once when it was about nothing but sports. However, his addiction-related pieces are valuable.

I hadn't read it; and I slid off my chair howling with laughter once I did. Thank you for that, lovely Gillian.
He and I are of a kind; we have faced the horrors our own minds create when we turn our backs on the Demon called Alcohol.

He talked about the nightmares; I do not want to talk about them...yet, at least. All I can say is I never want to experience them again.
The worst was...well, I don't have any good words for them. I saw them both while sleeping and awake. They weren't hallucinations; the best word I can use is visions - of horrors and ugliness far beyond what Lovecraft or Cronenberg could ever create. I saw men and women transforming into horrible creatures; I saw friendly faces turning into dark masks of hate. I saw violence and terror and every fear God has seen fit to visit upon us.
Those 'visions' weren't visible; I couldn't really see them, but they were there, searing themselves into my mind.
I will not burden you with my horror at dealing with them. Maybe later.
I will just tell you I don't see them anymore.

:)