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ToSeek
2005-Jan-24, 08:04 PM
SHIPWRECKED

The hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man
found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for
his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One
day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his
eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.
She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else survived. How many are there?
You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was
confused.

"Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island
there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and
used the tools to make the hardware."

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone
walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white
.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said,
still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina
Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch
to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip
into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There
is a razor upstairs in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the
cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge were fastened onto it's end.

"This woman is amazing," he thought. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling
faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long
time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You
know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
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"You mean--?" he replied, "I can log onto the BABB from here?"

Slightly edited from the original

R.A.F.
2005-Jan-24, 08:08 PM
:lol:

Reacher
2005-Jan-24, 08:38 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
=D> =D> =D>

Very nice... Very nice indeed. :D

NASA Fan
2005-Jan-24, 08:43 PM
So is that what has happened to Humphrey, he is stuck on a deserted island, unable to log on?

Great Story. =D> =D> =D>

frenat
2005-Jan-24, 10:27 PM
Now that's a groaner if I ever saw one.

Gullible Jones
2005-Jan-24, 10:36 PM
Brilliant! =D> :lol:

Weird Dave
2005-Jan-24, 11:04 PM
Marvellous! :lol:

The Supreme Canuck
2005-Jan-25, 12:29 AM
Terrible!

=D> =D> =D>

Maksutov
2005-Jan-25, 03:24 AM
Could it be that the man in this joke is Humphrey? (http://www.badastronomy.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=121507#121507)

You didn't mention that the woman's name was Barbara ("Babbs" for short). :D

YKYAABABBAW you start building jokes around the BABB!

=D> =D> =D>

UCLA!

Candy
2005-Jan-25, 09:14 AM
Slightly edited from the original
How's the original story end? :wink:

Richard of Chelmsford
2005-Jan-25, 11:47 AM
:oops:

mickal555
2005-Jan-25, 01:08 PM
tsk tsk
shame on you

keep it clean [-X [-X


there are kids here :D

Nicolas
2005-Jan-25, 01:11 PM
Furthermore, the title of the thread was

joke (notice no plural form) :D

Candy
2005-Jan-25, 01:51 PM
I love the way Englishmen sweet talk without even knowing they are doing it. :wink:

:lol:

Amadeus
2005-Jan-25, 01:59 PM
I love the way Englishmen sweet talk without even knowing they are doing it. :wink:

:lol:

It's on account of our natural charm luv! We got what it takes to talk the birds from the trees...

An Englishman is always a Gentleman even when he's not :wink:

Swift
2005-Jan-25, 02:04 PM
Slightly edited from the original
How's the original story end? :wink:
If I remember correctly (I heard it years ago), the device he sees is a television, and he says "You mean I can watch football?"

It's a good general purpose joke, you can plug in something for every group....

He sees a telescope and says "You mean I can do some observing?"

Nicolas
2005-Jan-25, 02:15 PM
he sees 1000 and :D (EDIT: no longer makes sense after Richrad took away his "adult" joke :) )

Candy
2005-Jan-25, 02:16 PM
I love the way Englishmen sweet talk without even knowing they are doing it. :wink:

:lol:

It's on account of our natural charm luv! We got what it takes to talk the birds from the trees...

An Englishman is always a Gentleman even when he's not :wink:
:P

Reminder: Don't ask Richard of Chelmsford to tell a joke with a cat theme. :wink:

Nicolas
2005-Jan-25, 02:17 PM
:D

Candy
2005-Jan-25, 02:19 PM
Slightly edited from the original
How's the original story end? :wink:
If I remember correctly (I heard it years ago), the device he sees is a television, and he says "You mean I can watch football?"

It's a good general purpose joke, you can plug in something for every group....

He sees a telescope and says "You mean I can do some observing?"
Then I guessed it right! :P

Kebsis
2005-Jan-25, 02:25 PM
So is that what has happened to Humphrey, he is stuck on a deserted island, unable to log on?

Great Story. =D> =D> =D>

Close. He got married.

ToSeek
2005-Jan-25, 02:46 PM
Slightly edited from the original
How's the original story end? :wink:

The version I saw was something like "You mean I can check my email from here?"

A Thousand Pardons
2005-Jan-25, 02:55 PM
The version I saw was something like "You mean I can check my email from here?"
Yep, google on "drank coconut juice and longed"--lots of joke pages.

Richard of Chelmsford
2005-Jan-25, 08:24 PM
tsk tsk
shame on you

keep it clean [-X [-X


there are kids here :D

You're so right old chap.

I put it on and immediately thought better of it and erased it.

So why is it still there?

Swift
2005-Jan-25, 09:59 PM
Yes, I am hijacking this extremely important thread :wink:

Q. Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?
A. It's in the ground state.

Q. How many atoms are in guacamole?
A. Avocado's number.

Q. What is H2O4?
A. Drinking, cooking, bathing, making ice....
(hint: H two O for)

Q. What did the chemist plant in his garden?
A. A chemistry.

......groan....... :D

Nicolas
2005-Jan-25, 10:27 PM
Recent scientific questionaire reveals:
"According to a recent scientific research on friendship and partner relations, 40% of women ultimately would choose her best friend (F) above the relationship. According to the same research, 40% of men too would choose her best friend above the relationship"

:D

Weird Dave
2005-Jan-25, 11:00 PM
Chemistry teacher to pupil: "John, what is HNO3?"
John: "Errr, it's on the tip of my tongue."
Teacher: "Well spit it out, it's nitric acid!"

Tranquility
2005-Jan-26, 08:20 AM
"The average woman should choose beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think."

sts60
2005-Jan-26, 05:14 PM
Chemistry teacher to pupil: "John, what is HNO3?"
John: "Errr, it's on the tip of my tongue."
Teacher: "Well spit it out, it's nitric acid!"
Little Willy took a drink
And now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

SeanF
2005-Jan-26, 05:31 PM
Little Willy took a drink
And now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
When Hydrogen Tech played Oxygen U
The game had just begun
When Hydrogen racked up two quick points
While Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain
At Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1
Called because of rain.
---Johnny Hart

pghnative
2005-Jan-26, 05:44 PM
So far, the title of this thread ("Joke", singular) still accurately describes the thread. :D :D

Nicolas
2005-Jan-26, 06:05 PM
I once thought about it like that too, but now I see it is "joke" as in

"yet another joke!" :)

sarongsong
2005-Jan-27, 03:04 AM
Walking along outside a fenced psychriatric facility, Junior heard a recurring chant, "thirteen...thirteen...thirteen". Stopping to curiously peer through a hole in the fence, a finger suddenly appeared, poking him squarely in the eye.
"...fourteen...fourteen...fourteen"

Nicolas
2005-Jan-27, 09:34 AM
Now THAT joke I know from the Smurfs comics, with one smurf running rounds around a hole, counting 14-14-14-14-14-14, other smurf coming to look, peeking over teh edge of teh hole, the smurf running behind his back, pushing him in and continuing his rounds 15-15-15-15-15 8)

Richard of Chelmsford
2005-Jan-27, 01:50 PM
Reminder: Don't ask Richard of Chelmsford to tell a joke with a cat theme. :wink:

I've got a cat.

A tabby called Misty.

She's out fighting at the moment.

My jokes aren't very good, I know, but then, to our total discredit the British have a penchant for lavatory humour. You hear it all over the place here so get used to it. That joke I told, then erased, was on a birthday card someone sent me.

American humour is something I've never understood, though my son has Men In Black 2 on, and it's not bad.

America's discredit is the very large amounts of extremely filthy foul language words in many films, especially gangster films. Some words (not to quote any!) aren't even used over here.

Aussie words?

Well, sorry if I sound patronising, Cobbers, but I switch off all Aussie programs that come on.

I can't stand them. 8-[

Richard of Chelmsford
2005-Jan-27, 01:54 PM
So far, the title of this thread ("Joke", singular) still accurately describes the thread. :D :D

Well you can say that again.

Perhaps I should have left my adult joke where it was after all. :D

sidmel
2005-Jan-27, 02:11 PM
Since we've turned to groaners...once again...

Q: if both a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska fall into the water
which one disolves faster?
A: The one in Alaska because it is Polar.

Eroica
2005-Jan-27, 02:43 PM
Slightly edited from the original
How's the original story end? :wink:
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a chess set in there!"

ToSeek
2005-Jan-27, 02:50 PM
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a chess set in there!"

The version I heard was "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

Swift
2005-Jan-27, 02:57 PM
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a chess set in there!"

The version I heard was "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"
Actually, for this group it should be "Don't tell me you have a radio telescope in there!" 8-[

Richard of Chelmsford
2005-Jan-28, 09:22 AM
If I can go back to this thread with a variation on its theme..in my (occasional) capacity as Knight Porter at the local hotel I met a famous Irish comedian last night.

Frank Carson. "It's the Way I Tell 'Em!!"

http://www.comedyonline.co.uk/gallery/html/frankcarson.html

I doubt if our American friends will know him as comedians tend to stick to their own locality. I remember Scottish comedian Billy Connolly speaking of his first trip to the States..if you will excuse the further vulgarity he said that he felt "about as welcome as a fart in a space-suit."

Mr Carson came staggering in, seemingly the worse for wear (I suspect he wasn't, I think it was all part of his act)

He said "Can oi ask ye tumpin?"

I said "Yes,"

"Do ye ever get drunks in here?"

"No," I said, hoping not to encourage him.

"Well, ye've got one now."

He had told me three jokes in about 30 seconds then he went into the bar and just took over the place with a none stop bombardment of jokes and stories.

At length he did need a bit of a hand to get him up to his room, which I provided. He kept saying "Tank you, very much. Ye'll go tae Heaven."

But he was a real gent and an extreme extrovert.

Also in the same party was Nick Leeson, the man who broke Baring's Bank with losses of 800 million..

http://www.thebubbleburst.co.uk/bb.php?entry=Nick%20Leeson

He arrived back at the hotel with 3 friends at 3.00 am and demanded that the bar be opened.

I refused.

I offer no further comment on that situation. [-(

sarongsong
2005-Jul-12, 05:30 AM
As a young boy enters a barber shop, the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Chuck
2005-Jul-12, 05:56 AM
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Maksutov
2005-Jul-12, 06:41 AM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What do you think this is, a joke? Get out of here!"

Swift
2005-Jul-12, 12:46 PM
A man walks into a bar and their is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The man just stands their looking at the horse. The horse finally says, "What! A horse can't be a bartender?". The man says, "No, I just can't believe the cow sold the place".

Gillianren
2005-Jul-12, 05:36 PM
two men walk into a bar. you'd think the second one would've ducked.

(yeah, I know. I'm pretty sure I've told that one here before. but most of the jokes I know are either insanely long or about my alma mater.)

Chuck
2005-Jul-13, 04:54 AM
Two mosquitoes landed on Robinson Crusoe's leg and started gorging themselves. After a few seconds, one mosquito said, "That's enough for me! I'm gettin' outta here!" Second mosquito said, "Me, too. See you on Friday."