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Buttercup
2016-Oct-20, 09:03 PM
My deceased mother-in-law's female cousin died in July 2015; Lillian was in her early 80s.

Mother-in-law and Lillian lived 10 years in the same nursing home. Lillian always kind, gracious, attentive to wheelchair-bound mother-in-law. Both raised their children, have grandchildren.

Lillian's grave remains unmarked. There's not even a funeral home marker. Her final resting place is an oblong mound of soil "decorated" with a few very faded plastic flowers.

I find this absolutely egregious. :mad: Since July 2015!

Am considering taking it upon myself, sans even husband's knowledge, of making and decorating a cross (she was a devout Roman Catholic), and placing it on her grave.

We visited mother-in-law's grave today; she and Lillian are perhaps 20 feet apart. This is how I know the continued state of Lillian's grave (we did place silk flowers on it).

swampyankee
2016-Oct-21, 08:35 AM
Lillian's family has not yet been able, or willing, to buy a marker. If you're sufficiently close to the family, and sufficiently tactful, you could bring up the matter. A year to get a marker probably isn't that uncommon, though.

grant hutchison
2016-Oct-21, 09:00 AM
Do you know the wishes of Lillian and her family?
I'd take it very badly if someone decided to erect a marker at the location of my father's ashes.

Grant Hutchison

Buttercup
2016-Oct-21, 01:27 PM
Do you know the wishes of Lillian and her family?
I'd take it very badly if someone decided to erect a marker at the location of my father's ashes.

Grant Hutchison

Many of my in-laws are not "close." But based on what husband knows, it seems a combination of apathy and misappropriated priorities. Another in-law refused to help with cost of his mother's marker, and his infant son's grave lies unmarked (since 1990; I don't know where that baby is buried).

It's just inexcusable, frankly. There is enough $$$ for even a modest marker.

I understand your sentiment, but it bothers me - very much - that a devoted wife, mother, grandmother remains an anonymous grave.

My own m-i-l's grave would still (since 2011) bear only a courtesy funeral home marker if we hadn't (gladly) purchased a real headstone, which also meant sacrificing a much-needed vacation.

Trebuchet
2016-Oct-21, 02:44 PM
My father-in-law's grave was unmarked for ten years because my mother-in-law didn't want to see her name on a double marker. Once she passed, we got them both one, as well as one for a baby that was born dead 50 years earlier. There are all sorts of reasons why this stuff happens.

If it's primarily a financial problem, and you are able to help out, you should offer to do so but don't press the issue.

grant hutchison
2016-Oct-21, 04:08 PM
I understand your sentiment, but it bothers me - very much - that a devoted wife, mother, grandmother remains an anonymous grave.If you had known my father you'd most likely classify him as a devoted husband, father and grandfather.
But his "final resting place" is completely unmarked, and my family and I would very much not welcome a marker, or even a well-meaning suggestion that he somehow "deserves" a marker because of some aspect of his life.

People are very different, and your OP word "egregious" summarizes this very well - "separate from the herd" is not a synonym for "wrong", so I think (as Trebuchet says) you shouldn't press this issue.

Grant Hutchison

Buttercup
2016-Oct-21, 04:14 PM
Trebuchet - Lillian's husband has a separate marker (actual headstone).

Grant - you mentioned your father's ashes. Not being disrespectful in the least, but Lillian's is an embalmed body, coffin, grave.

If I do go through with this, I'll have a small cross made with her name, then will drive to that cemetery (40 miles north) and plant it. Nothing ostentatious. Just a notice that a person with a name is buried there (next to husband who has a headstone). Nothing will be said to family nor my husband even.

grant hutchison
2016-Oct-21, 04:36 PM
Grant - you mentioned your father's ashes. Not being disrespectful in the least, but Lillian's is an embalmed body, coffin, grave.No worries - I can't think why pointing out that difference could be considered disrespectful.
But nor can I think of how that difference makes a grave marker more morally compelling in one case than the other.
I don't want to get into an argument about what's right and what's not (since I believe there's no right or wrong answer), and I don't want to cause you distress.
I've waved my little "caution" flag, and I'll leave it there.

Grant Hutchison

slang
2016-Oct-22, 08:50 AM
Apart from the moral aspect, can you legally do this without the consent of the surviving near relatives (whatever the right word for that is in English)? Laws protecting graves can be pretty severe.

Buttercup
2016-Oct-22, 03:30 PM
Apart from the moral aspect, can you legally do this without the consent of the surviving near relatives (whatever the right word for that is in English)? Laws protecting graves can be pretty severe.

I'm not sure, but that's definitely a valid point and thanks for mentioning it. :)

publiusr
2016-Oct-22, 07:08 PM
Anything that isn't stone the groundskeeper is likely to trash anyway--depending on the location.

Buttercup
2016-Oct-22, 09:31 PM
Anything that isn't stone the groundskeeper is likely to trash anyway--depending on the location.

This is a poor cemetery in a poor town. There are some wooden markers with names neatly painted on them. Mine wouldn't be a standout, if I do this.

Trebuchet
2016-Oct-23, 02:28 PM
This is a poor cemetery in a poor town. There are some wooden markers with names neatly painted on them. Mine wouldn't be a standout, if I do this.
Check with the management first in any case.

Nicolas
2016-Oct-24, 09:14 AM
If you don't know the specific wishes of the deceased and you're not the closest relative, I wouldn't interfere without approval. Many people, devoted or not, do not wish to have any relevant grave for whatever reason.

publiusr
2016-Oct-28, 09:52 PM
My old boss had a nine minute funeral. His kids didn't even show up.

Trebuchet
2016-Oct-29, 05:41 PM
That's nine minutes longer than I'd prefer mine to be. And nine minutes longer than I want to spend at one.

publiusr
2016-Oct-29, 05:44 PM
My parents adopted me later in life and came from big families. A lot of my memories from childhood were of endless visits to hospitals, nursing homes and funeral homes.

ozduck
2016-Oct-31, 09:11 AM
That's nine minutes longer than I'd prefer mine to be. And nine minutes longer than I want to spend at one.

My Mother-in-Law died a few weeks ago (at 91 and ready to go) and was very definite that there be no funeral service for her - she made this very clear on a number of occasions to all our family. We respected her wishes. Instead, as we told her we would, we are now arranging an afternoon tea for family and friends to come along and reminisce.

Trebuchet
2016-Oct-31, 02:25 PM
My Mother-in-Law died a few weeks ago (at 91 and ready to go) and was very definite that there be no funeral service for her - she made this very clear on a number of occasions to all our family. We respected her wishes. Instead, as we told her we would, we are now arranging an afternoon tea for family and friends to come along and reminisce.

That's a great idea.

Gillianren
2016-Oct-31, 04:04 PM
An elderly relative of mine when I was a child didn't want a big funeral simply because she didn't want to miss the party. Instead, she had an enormous family reunion while she was still alive. I'm not sure who the relative was, but I still remember fragments of it. Particularly (I was like five) the cinnamon-sugar cookies someone gave me and my sister.

Trebuchet
2016-Oct-31, 09:22 PM
An elderly relative of mine when I was a child didn't want a big funeral simply because she didn't want to miss the party. Instead, she had an enormous family reunion while she was still alive. I'm not sure who the relative was, but I still remember fragments of it. Particularly (I was like five) the cinnamon-sugar cookies someone gave me and my sister.

Another excellent idea.

Jim
2016-Nov-01, 02:04 AM
I heard a story on NPR this morning about a company that will take the ashes of your Dear Departed and make them into a coffee cup.

Chuck
2016-Nov-01, 04:28 AM
Someone could make Pokémon Go style grave markers that can be seen only with cell phones. There might be money to be made by offering such a service.

Gillianren
2016-Nov-01, 03:26 PM
Another excellent idea.

They were awfully good cookies.

schlaugh
2016-Nov-01, 04:13 PM
I think my FIL wants a viking funeral mixed with a procession to the Collesium. Why, I don't know. Of course I exaggerate - but not that much. He really wants the full ride.


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Strange
2016-Nov-01, 04:53 PM
They were awfully good cookies.

I read that without the full context and thought, "Noooo.... "