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crosscountry
2005-Nov-10, 03:43 PM
well, it's not really a joke, more of a story:

------------

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on her
credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the
monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere
around $60.00

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .
the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot
Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

---------------

Do you know why they ask whether you want "paper or plastic" at
the checkout?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

Swift
2005-Nov-10, 04:04 PM
My first job was at an orange juice factory - I got canned. They said I just couldn't concentrate.

crosscountry
2005-Nov-10, 04:13 PM
I used to work at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I was in the Beyond department.

People would ask me where the bath section was, I'd say "it's beyond me"

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.




A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked."





(these are some quotes from the Highlarious Jay London)
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jaylondon188981.html

Lianachan
2005-Nov-10, 04:51 PM
Some of the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. I won't link to a source, because a couple of the full collection contain language.



A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!

crosscountry
2007-Jan-11, 10:00 AM
The Scottish bus driver
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response

Dr Nigel
2007-Jan-11, 09:15 PM
Some of the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. I won't link to a source, because a couple of the full collection contain language.


Interesting. What form of communication do the others use?

Dr Nigel
2007-Jan-11, 09:18 PM
So there was this feller who went into a barber's. He explained that he always had trouble getting a really close shave.
"Ah," says the barber, "there's a little trick to that. Put this wooden ball in your mouth and hold it against the inside of your cheek."
The man does this, and the barber starts to give him a very smooth, close shave. About half-way through a thought occurs to the man:
"What happens if I swallow the ball?"
"Oh, that's all right," says the barber, "just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

soylentgreen
2007-Jan-11, 09:28 PM
Interesting. What form of communication do the others use?

It's not just language...it's language.

Kinda like there's movies...and there's movies! ;)



here's my contribution...

A monk, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...the bartender sees them and says "Is this some kinda joke?" :o

Peter Wilson
2007-Jan-11, 10:57 PM
Interesting. What form of communication do the others use?Its colorful language that was not-linked to.

Get it?

Its never funny when you have to explain it :sad:

Tobin Dax
2007-Jan-12, 03:14 AM
Its colorful language that was not-linked to.

Get it?

Its never funny when you have to explain it :sad:

Actually, it's blue language that was not-linked to. Nobody really uses blue like that anymore, though.

peter eldergill
2007-Jan-12, 03:47 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

You can't cross them, one of them is a scalar!!

<crickets>

Pete

Nicolas
2007-Jan-12, 08:06 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

A trampled mountain climber and an elephant with an ice pick in its foot?

crosscountry
2007-Jan-12, 09:36 AM
the scalar line was funnier. LOL





There once was a religious young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"

CONFESSIONAL
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!

Nicolas
2007-Jan-12, 10:45 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

You can't cross them, one of them is a scalar!!

<crickets>

Pete

btw shouldn't this one be in the "nerdiest tagline" thread? :D

Maksutov
2007-Jan-12, 11:53 AM
Two psychiatrists are walking toward each other on the east sidewalk of Fifth Avenue in NYC. One is walking north, the other south.

As they pass, the northbound psychiatrist says to the southbound psychiatrist,

"Good day!"

A few seconds later the southbound psychiatrist stops and thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

crosscountry
2007-Jan-12, 12:14 PM
5th avenue kinda runs NE and SW, and I wonder if that joke was funny?

MAPNUT
2007-Jan-12, 05:53 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

You can't cross them, one of them is a scalar!!

<crickets>

Pete

This is only half of the joke! It's a mosquito, not an elephant!

How could you do that to us? You must have known.

danscope
2007-Jan-12, 06:44 PM
" Yeah, I tell ya, My Mother-in-law's lucky. She wanted a part-time job. It was Halloween; they gave her a job at "Spookyworld"! .....as a greeter!!!
*********************
"Yeah, nothin's easy. I had to snap the lock off of her ammunition box.
She had a $1.75 , her spice collection , and half a box of Parodi Cigars in there!
**********************************
Yeah,....some days are better than others...This morning I saw her picture on the back of a milk carton!
**************************************
She almost drowned in Florida.
She dropped her handbag in a glass -bottomed boat !!
*****************************************
Yeah,....she decided to get her face lifted...but the chain broke!!!
**********************************************
Yeah, Now she's in a bad mood. I took her to the hundred car demolition derby.
She wanted to drive in the event, but they said she was too agressive!!
*******************************************
And she's a great cook. Even the flies pitched in to fix the screen door!!:D
*********************************************
Ya know...I got an e-mail from Rodney ,up in heaven. He said it's a great place, but ya can't smoke. As soon as he got up to the pearly gates, he saw his mother-in-law outside....lighting up a Parodi !!!!
*************************************************

Yeah...I wrote those for my hero, but he's gone. We'll miss him.
Best regards, Dan

mike alexander
2007-Jan-12, 09:14 PM
Citing health risks, lawmakers today banned the use of trans fats in cigarettes.

cometsgate
2007-Jan-12, 09:57 PM
Liked the joke about the old man and the confessional. The Scottish joke was cute. Have you ever noticed how humor varies on the globe?

snarkophilus
2007-Jan-12, 10:28 PM
There's a store around here called the Infinity Showroom. I never have seen all the merchandise.

When I worked as an Internet trainer at the library, I'd have to book reservations and reserve books.

I was going to ask a girl in my algebra class for a date, but she seems a little too interested in rings. It's more to my taste to just Lie with her in a field. (Corresponding group joke omitted as being too tasteless, even for me.)

Heard in class (and edited to put in context/make funnier): "Man, that combinatorics assignment was huge. I can't even count how many hours it took me."

A couple of high school students were making math jokes and ogling passing ladies, and one said, "See that girl? I wish I was her derivative, so I could lie tangent to her curves!" Ignoring the incestuousness of the statement, the other said, "You can try first. I'd much rather be secant!"

peter eldergill
2007-Jan-13, 12:01 AM
I've got another hilarious math joke...anyone want to hear it? (I may have posted it here before..I don't remember)

Pete

mike alexander
2007-Jan-13, 12:04 AM
Is it the one about the constipated mathematician who worked things out with a pencil?

Maksutov
2007-Jan-13, 01:26 AM
5th avenue kinda runs NE and SW, and I wonder if that joke was funny?Re Fifth Avenue, not really, it's mostly north and south (very close to NNE/SSW) but locally it's called N and S. Trust me, I went to school there and used to live in the city. If you told a native you were traveling east on Fifth Avenue, they'd look at you as if you were nuts. The more vocal ones would tell you that. But if you were asking for directions and said you were going south on 5th in midtown, you might get help, but no one would react to your choice of compass direction.

Traffic reports will comment on the state of southbound traffic on Fifth Avenue until you get to 135th St. where it goes back to north/south traffic. Once you get up there mainstream radio doesn't care anyway.

Kind of funny that Fifth Avenue also serves as the east-west dividing line for the streets that apparently don't run east and west, since they're almost all, in the midtown grid, at right angles to 5th. Broadway is almost N-S until it gets to 79th Street, hence all the weird intersections with their acute angles (Times Square, e.g.). BTW, I took one of the last northbound buses on Fifth Avenue from Washington Square back in 1966.

Of course, if you want to get really fussy, you could complain about all the North Streets that don't run true or magnetic north, or all the Chestnut Streets in the US that have no chestnut trees growing on them, etc.

As for the joke, it's pretty subtle, you probably need to have lived in the city, known the culture, and who's out on the street, to get it.

Chacun &#224; son go&#251;t.

SMEaton
2007-Jan-13, 01:37 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

You can't cross them, one of them is a scalar!!

<crickets>

PeteI was expecting a Hannibal reference in the punchline! Dang.

crosscountry
2007-Jan-13, 09:12 AM
Liked the joke about the old man and the confessional. The Scottish joke was cute. Have you ever noticed how humor varies on the globe?


An old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better! "he boasted. "I've married an 18 year old blonde who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. When he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."replied the doctor.

Maksutov
2007-Jan-14, 09:35 AM
Citing health risks, lawmakers today banned the use of trans fats in cigarettes. http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/frech/a030.gif Good one, mike!

Might be too subtle for some, but it's hilarious!

Right up there with the Philip-Morris anti-smoking ads.

As "Johnny (http://www.bellhop.org/)" used to say,


Call....for....Philip...Morrrreaaasss!

From your attorneys! http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/froehlich/a020.gif

Maksutov
2007-Jan-14, 10:13 AM
Live Parrot Joke


Scene: a quiet family room/dining room/breakfast nook. All the family members (Ed, the father, Peg, the mother, Kelly, the older daughter, Babs, the younger daughter) are present.

Peg: Have a nice day at work, Ed!

(Ed leaves)

Peg: Now, what are we going to get your father for his birthday?

Kelly: How about a tie?

Babs: We got that for him last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the...

Peg (interrupting): OK, we all know that. This year he's 40. It's kind of special. So maybe we should get him a special present.

Kelly: I know! He loves to go duck hunting, which shows he loves birds! Why don't we get him a pet bird?

Peg and Babs: Oh, that's so great!

Peg: I'll stop by the pet shop near my beauty parlor and get him a nice bird, OK? I'll just deduct 1/3 of the cost from each of your allowances.

Kelly and Babs: Aw mom, you don't have to!

Peg: Oh, I have to!

Kelly and Babs leave for school.

Later, at the pet shop.

Peg: I want to give my husband a bird for his birthday!

Shopkeeper: Why would you want to give your husband the bird for his birthday? Don't you love him?

Peg: No, silly, a bird, not the bird.

Shopkeeper: What did you have in mind?

Peg: Oh, I don't know, something that will keep him from trying to talk to me.

Shopkeeper: I have just what you need (gestures toward a parrot in a cage). That bird is the most prolific talker I've ever encountered. Hardly anything can shut him up!

Peg: That sounds perfect. How much?

Shopkeeper: Well, as you probably know, talking parrots are quite expensive. They usually command at least $500 and up. But, for this one, I'll let it go for $100.

Peg: Why such a low price?

Shopkeeper: Well, you seem like a nice person...I'll tell you why.

This particular parrot was raised in, what shall we call it, a house of ill-repute.

Peg: Oh no.

Shopkeeper: Not to worry though. Since I acquired it, I've trained it not to say anything obscene. It's a clean-talking parrot.

Peg: OK, I trust you, I'll buy it!

Later that day, at Ed and Peg's house, just after Peg has removed the cage cover and left to go shopping.

Parrot (in a loud, squawking voice): OK, new house.

Peg arrives home from more shopping.

Parrot (in a loud, squawking voice): OK, new madam!

Peg: What a funny bird!

Kelly and Babs get home from school.

Parrot (in a loud, squawking voice): OK, new girls!

Kelly and Babs: What a funny bird! Way to go, mom!

Peg, Kelly, and Babs are gathered around the parrot, anticipating the response of her husband/their father when he arrives home from work.

Ed (entering through the front door): Hello, everyone, I'm home!

Parrot: Hi, Ed!

crosscountry
2007-Jan-14, 10:21 AM
I almost didn't get that. That was subtle

antoniseb
2007-Jan-14, 02:49 PM
Please stop resurrecting old threads where people retell jokes they've read or heard elsewhere. This is a serious concern as far as intellectual property is concerned.