View Full Version : The Funny Quotes Thread

2006-Jan-29, 11:36 AM
Look them up online and post...or maybe you have something you made up yourself!!!!
But try not to repost!!!!

2006-Jan-29, 09:28 PM
"A real woman could stop you from drinking."
"It'd have to be a real BIG woman."
--from Arthur, RIP Dudley Moore

2006-Jan-29, 09:31 PM
"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."
-- Oscar Wilde's last words

paulie jay
2006-Jan-29, 10:45 PM
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." General John Sedgwick, spoken while looking over the parapet at enemy lines during the Battle of Spotsylvania in 1864

2006-Jan-29, 11:30 PM
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." General John Sedgwick, spoken while looking over the parapet at enemy lines during the Battle of Spotsylvania in 1864
This always cracks me up! :lol:

2006-Jan-30, 12:17 AM
"Smoking Kills....If you're killed, you'll loose an important part of your life" - Brooke Shields

2006-Jan-30, 12:27 AM
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mae_west.html)

I so love Mae West!

2006-Jan-30, 12:40 AM
"When everything's comin your way...then you're in the wrong lane."

2006-Jan-30, 12:42 AM
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. - Michael L.

2006-Jan-30, 01:04 AM
Graveyards are full of indispensible people."

- Charles de Gaule

2006-Jan-30, 01:08 AM
Given the choice between changing and proving they don't have to, 90% of people get busy on the proof.

2006-Jan-30, 01:08 AM
I said I wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.

2006-Jan-30, 01:09 AM
Life is just one damned thing after another.

2006-Jan-30, 01:10 AM
Life is like a box of chocolates. All of your choices are bad for you.

2006-Jan-30, 01:11 AM
The difference between humans and other animals is that humans are not afraid of vacumm cleaners.

2006-Jan-30, 01:13 AM
That's more dangerous than a kamikazee pilot with a Dear John letter.

I'm happier than a gopher in loose dirt.

I got beat up like a narc at a biker rally, or is that biker at a narc rally?

That's as funny as I get.

Dragon Star
2006-Jan-30, 01:28 AM
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

2006-Jan-30, 01:45 AM
Reality is an erroneous figment of our collective imagination.

2006-Jan-30, 02:33 AM
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that's relativity.........Albert Einstein...


Gullible Jones
2006-Jan-30, 04:02 AM
No, that is not relativity, whether Einstein said so or not. ;-)

2006-Jan-30, 05:13 AM
"Ah, alcohol, the cause, and solution to all of life's problems."
Homer J. Simpson

2006-Jan-30, 08:30 AM
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

2006-Jan-30, 08:31 AM
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. :D

2006-Jan-30, 08:35 AM
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

2006-Jan-30, 08:41 AM
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

2006-Jan-30, 08:42 AM
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute - Steven Wright

2006-Jan-30, 12:36 PM
"What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce." - Mark Twain: Speech, January 11, 1868

You can't be a 'Real Country' unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

paulie jay
2006-Jan-30, 01:49 PM
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." Ford Prefect

2006-Jan-30, 03:13 PM
[On Dungeons & Dragons]: Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.
Cecil Adams
The Straight Dope

Basic research is like shooting an arrow in the air and, where it lands, painting a target.
Homer Adkins
Nature 312:212 (1984)

Das computenmachine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk,
blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit spittzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pokets, relaxen und watch das blinkenlights.

2006-Jan-30, 03:54 PM
"People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?'


'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.'

Yeah? You know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

2006-Jan-30, 04:07 PM
No, that is not relativity, whether Einstein said so or not. ;-)

The thread says: "Funny Quotes".....:D ...cough.


2006-Jan-30, 04:11 PM
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.......Woody Allen

2006-Jan-30, 04:16 PM
Graffiti I saw in a pub a few years ago:

"Jesus is alive!"

below which someone had written:

"and working on a less ambitious project"

2006-Jan-30, 04:45 PM
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance. - Denis Leary

2006-Jan-30, 04:55 PM
"Did you take those too?" - My co-worker, in a rare brain-backfire moment, indicating the pair of prints of some of Pete Conrad's more famous photos of Al Bean on the moon, mixed in among some prints of my own photos.

2006-Jan-30, 05:50 PM
"A lot of people have died in this club. I called a service. The next clean-up is free." - 01 Boxer, ep 1-16 of Charlie Jade

"Please hold, your death is important to us." - 01 Boxer, ep 1-19 of Charlie Jade

2006-Jan-30, 06:03 PM
A bank is a place that will lend you money if only you can prove you don't need it.........Bob Hope.


2006-Jan-30, 06:16 PM
Well, I got to hand it to you, George. You sure got a talent for trivializing the momentous and complicating the obvious. - James Kemper "GETTYSBURG"

paulie jay
2006-Jan-30, 11:19 PM
"I told you I was sick" - eptitaph on Spike Milligan's grave.

Dragon Star
2006-Jan-30, 11:22 PM
"I for one, welcome our new {insert anything here} overlords"~Unknown~

(I have the feeling only a few here know what I am talking about):shifty:

paulie jay
2006-Jan-30, 11:34 PM
Yes I do, Kent. ;)

2006-Jan-30, 11:34 PM
DS: It's from Kent Brockman of the Simpsons who uttered that in a news broadcast during the Halloween special where Kang and Kodos took over.

"I, for one, would like to welcome our new alien overlords." - Kent Brockman.

Ach! Paulie beat me to it!

Dragon Star
2006-Jan-30, 11:46 PM
*Snickers* Thanks

Roy Batty
2006-Jan-30, 11:47 PM
I always remember that Brockman line as from the Carbon Rod space one ie insect overlords :)

2006-Jan-31, 12:47 AM
From Emo Philips: (and from memory, so it's probably "off" a bit)
I said "Hey sweet momma, want to come back to my place?" and she said "Do you have cable?" and I said "No, but the ropes should hold you."

Dragon Star
2006-Jan-31, 12:48 AM
From Emo Philips: (and from memory, so it's probably "off" a bit)
I said "Hey sweet momma, want to come back to my place?" and she said "Do you have cable?" and I said "No, but the ropes should hold you."

Good one T-1.:)

2006-Jan-31, 03:41 AM
Too bad that the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair........George Burns

2006-Jan-31, 03:52 AM
"I was here and you were gone.
Now you are here and I am gone."

---Tabletop etching at a lonely gas station in Arkansas.

"I'm not prejudiced! I hate everybody equally!"

2006-Jan-31, 04:16 AM
"I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to." - Rodney Dangerfield

Fr. Wayne
2006-Jan-31, 04:43 AM
"For duty and humanity." from Men in Black (1934) Drs. Howard, Fine, & Howard.

2006-Jan-31, 05:04 AM
I googled and it doesn't appear...

"It's a bug, I think I will squash it." - Candy

2006-Jan-31, 05:04 AM
"I follow those I will eventually lead." - Candy

2006-Jan-31, 05:08 AM
"I refuse to derail a train of thought with a one track mind"......:D...Titana

2006-Jan-31, 05:39 AM
"Two parents are better than one..." Google

2006-Jan-31, 06:02 AM
She walks on the ground I worship
- Dennis Miller and others.

2006-Jan-31, 07:12 AM
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." Anonymous Manufacturer

2006-Jan-31, 07:13 AM
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

2006-Jan-31, 07:21 AM
Do not operate vehicle with sun screen in place.

Instructions on one of those large cardboard things you cover your windshield with to keep the car from getting so hot.

paulie jay
2006-Jan-31, 12:40 PM
"Car not included" - magazine advert for wax polish.

2006-Jan-31, 12:53 PM
Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways?

2006-Jan-31, 03:23 PM
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I’ve gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers’ parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
Anonymous New York City Detective

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny. . . ”.
Isaac Asimov

‘Every minute dies a man, / Every minute one is born’; I need hardly point out to you that this calculation would tend to keep the sum total of the world’s population in a state of perpetual equipoise, whereas it is a well-known fact that the said sum total is constantly on the increase. I would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in the next edition of your excellent poem the erroneous calculation to which I refer should be corrected as follows: ‘Every moment dies a man / And one and a sixteenth is born.’ I may add that the exact figures are 1.067, but something must, of course, be conceded to the laws of metre.
Charles Babbage
Unpublished letter to Alfred, Lord Tennyson

2006-Jan-31, 05:00 PM
"Your reputation precedes you."
"And it's a good thing, too - otherwise, I'd be late for all my appointments."
---Who is Harry Crumb?

2006-Feb-01, 04:58 AM
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
Leonardo Di Vinci.

paulie jay
2006-Feb-01, 06:08 AM
"I always regarded cricket as a game the Australians don't like but play well, and a game the English love but can't play at all" Herb Elliot, 1960.

2006-Feb-01, 10:04 AM
"God bless those pagans" Homer Simpson

2006-Feb-01, 11:20 AM
What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?........Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition........He's dead. -- Top Secret

2006-Feb-01, 02:49 PM
What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?........Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition........He's dead. -- Top Secret
Oh, that reminds me of one:

"Mr. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to 'alive.'"
--The Simpsons

2006-Feb-01, 06:06 PM
Another one, from one of my favorite flicks...

"This is Buttkiss, Klahn's bodyguard - he is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur - he is rough and toothless." -- Kentucky Fried Movie

2006-Feb-03, 03:01 AM
"That is the sort of English up with I will not put."

----Winston Churchill, on the subject of ending a sentence with a preposition.


----Eric Sharp. Well, it's an inside joke. You'd have to have been there to get it. Trust me, it's hilarious.

2006-Feb-03, 05:10 AM
Madam: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!"
Churchill: "And if you were my wife, madam, I would drink it."

Jennifer: "Brad, why do you want to break up? Is there someone else?"
Brad: "Oh, Jennifer, there must be..."

If it's the thought that counts then why do women have so many problems with what men are thinking? - All men

Why do the call them apartments if they're all stuck together? - Gallagher

If a man is walking along in a forest and talking about something, and a tree falls, is he still wrong? - All women

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts will... - The State of California

If you've never made a mistake, then you ain't doing anything - DALeffler

2006-Feb-03, 11:14 AM
Albert Einstein played a violin quite well. Once he was playing with a pianist and missed the place, where he should join in. Pianist stopped playing and asked Albert:

"Albert, do you know how to count?"

2006-Feb-03, 11:56 AM
What funny quotes thread would be complete without some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey?

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

2006-Feb-03, 04:16 PM
The explosion will put a ringing in your ears. Luckily, you will be nowhere near them.

Take him to.....Detroit!

2006-Feb-04, 04:26 AM
I started laughing at the quote at the end of this article (http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/entertainment/13721112.htm)

"I loved the reaction of the French, who will not release it in France as `Crash,' " he says. "They've released it as `Collision,' because to them, there is only one `Crash.' " Now we'll see what l'Academie Américain has to say about that. - David Cronenberg

2006-Feb-04, 07:39 AM
"A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what're wet fingers in the freezer for?" LurchGS

"I'm not interested in how much a woodchuck can toss, I wanna know how many swallows a swallow can swallow!" Me, again

"I love my wife, but I'm not blind. Of course, if I love somebody else, I'll become blind very quickly!" (Why is I don't know any quotes from anybody else?)

Me (to Mom, when I was 17): "Go to hell!"
Mom: "I've lived there for the past 17 years!"
(we were funnin' - but that shut me up for at least 5 minutes)

teri tait
2006-Feb-04, 10:30 AM
"I was all just a dream and none of that ever happened..." Bobby Ewing on "Dallas"

2006-Feb-04, 10:53 AM
"That was long time ago and it wasn't true."

In Lithuanian it sounds a lot better though :think:

teri tait
2006-Feb-04, 11:09 AM
Attorney, "How long have you been handling claims?"
Me, "About 60 years."
Attorney surprised and totally seriuos, "Really? You sound so young..."
Me, "I don't have time for speculation on probabilities or coffee clatch, call me back when you're your ready to negotiate."

Attorney, "The police report puts your insured at fault!"
Me, "We have an understanding with the police, they don't settle claims for us and we don't arrest people for them."

2006-Feb-05, 08:41 AM
Hell hath no fury like a wet cat

Dogs are nature's way of saying 'you dropped something' at the dinner table

2006-Mar-30, 10:59 AM
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned