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Fraunkensteen
2007-Nov-17, 04:47 AM
"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth--- Just to see if all the girls were telling the truth.

Whirlpool
2007-Nov-17, 05:14 AM
Hmm...

"I wouldn't mind being the last woman on Earth--- Just to see if all the men were telling the truth."

:p

Noclevername
2007-Nov-17, 05:36 AM
Woman: "If you were the last man on Earth, and I were the last woman, the human race would die out!"

Man: "Well, we could always adopt."

WaxRubiks
2007-Nov-17, 08:58 AM
watch out for a new email scame:

someone emails you saying, "I have 50 marsbars that i need to get out of the country but my gran needs a few dollars for the postage. If you wire me the money; you can have 6 mars bars"

beware; this is the nugarian scam.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-17, 04:37 PM
watch out for a new email scame:

someone emails you saying, "I have 50 marsbars that i need to get out of the country but my gran needs a few dollars for the postage. If you wire me the money; you can have 6 mars bars"

beware; this is the nugarian scam.

It's pretty obvious that it's a fraud, if you pay attention; there aren't enough drinkers on Mars to open even one bar.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-17, 08:04 PM
What do astronauts, human cannonballs and models have in common?

They all love to get shot.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-17, 10:11 PM
Just picture this:
Bart Sibrel bothering Bruce Banner.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-18, 12:50 AM
How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.

AndreH
2007-Nov-18, 01:21 AM
How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.

:lol::lol:

Moose
2007-Nov-18, 02:03 AM
How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Dunno. We never did figure out what forum to put that discussion in. Can anyone phrase this in the form of a defensible ATM?

(Lame, I know. But my "good" joke is probably not suitable for the board.)

Noclevername
2007-Nov-18, 02:19 AM
(Lame, I know. But my "good" joke is probably not suitable for the board.)

And your suitable joke isn't... never mind.

Maksutov
2007-Nov-18, 12:19 PM
"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth--- Just to see if all the girls were telling the truth.Is that one of the wilder versions of your jokes?

I don't feel elevated.

Too late!

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-18, 05:59 PM
How many burglers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but you need to post a guard to make sure he doesn't steal the lightbulb!

Swift
2007-Nov-18, 08:28 PM
How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.
ToSeeked (http://www.bautforum.com/284833-post32.html)

Noclevername
2007-Nov-18, 11:19 PM
ToSeeked (http://www.bautforum.com/284833-post32.html)

Yeah, but I expressed it more elegantly. ;)

MentalAvenger
2007-Nov-19, 04:43 AM
Here’s to the bee that stung the bull,
And started the bull to bucking.
Here’s to Eve who ate the apple,
And started the world to eating apples.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-19, 10:10 PM
How did regifting begin?
The gods gave fire to Prometheus.
Prometheus gave fire to the humans.

Fraunkensteen
2007-Nov-20, 03:48 AM
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5,000 at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking,"what the hell, you only live once."

Fraunkensteen
2007-Nov-20, 03:51 AM
I was goung to buy a copy of "The Power Of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: "What the hell good would that do?"

devilsmaster
2007-Nov-20, 05:35 AM
I dont know much jokes but i must say thanks to you guys for making me laugh.:lol::lol::lol:

Noclevername
2007-Nov-20, 12:02 PM
Welcome, DM! Laughter's a good way to get started.

Click Ticker
2007-Nov-20, 01:19 PM
First - let me just say that BAUTer's will not accept this Steven Wright-ism for what it is:

"If you were to drive at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, would you notice?"

*not funny to those who actually know, but when I was less informed - I thought it was funny.

"I put brick looking wall paper over my brick wall. Go ahead, touch it, it feels real." - Wright

"I put a skylight in my apartment. The upstairs neighbors were ticked." - Wright

Maksutov
2007-Nov-20, 01:35 PM
Ah the Wright Stuff!

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.And a little for those CT/HBs out there.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.My MO for life:
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Another for the HB/CT crowd:
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.And, finally, my ultimate life creed...
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.Meanwhile, Welcome to the BAUT, devilsmaster!

Read the FAQs (http://www.bautforum.com/faq.php?faq=vb_faq), especially the rules (http://www.bautforum.com/about-baut/32864-rules-posting-board.html#post564845), and have fun.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-20, 01:39 PM
SW: "One day I mixed up my car keys and my house keys, and started up my house."

"I parked it on the highway and said, all you people, get out of my driveway."

Click Ticker
2007-Nov-20, 03:30 PM
There was some younger, cooler comedian that died recently. I knew some people who would talk about how great and original he was. I read some of his stuff and it was just recycled Steven Wright. I'm drawing a blank on his name though. He would use a few more colorful metaphors than Wright - that was the biggest difference.

Kelfazin
2007-Nov-20, 07:12 PM
There was some younger, cooler comedian that died recently. I knew some people who would talk about how great and original he was. I read some of his stuff and it was just recycled Steven Wright. I'm drawing a blank on his name though. He would use a few more colorful metaphors than Wright - that was the biggest difference.

Are you thinking about mitch hedberg?

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read"
"I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

Click Ticker
2007-Nov-20, 07:30 PM
Are you thinking about mitch hedberg?

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read"
"I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

That's the one. Looks like a bunch of Wright material if you ask me.

Kelfazin
2007-Nov-20, 08:57 PM
That's the one. Looks like a bunch of Wright material if you ask me.

He uses the same style of joke, but his delivery and stage persona are definately not like SW's.

Doodler
2007-Nov-20, 09:04 PM
How many BAUTers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, the rest to nitpick about how it should have been changed.

And Neried to lock three dozen new posts about Electric Universe theories...

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-20, 10:05 PM
Welcome, DM!
I posted this on the BA's blog today, but I'll put it here too, just because I love dumb puns:
Question: Why did the anti-evolution kid take a textbook to the bar?
Answer: Because they asked to see ID!

HenrikOlsen
2007-Nov-21, 02:53 AM
And Neried to lock three dozen new posts about Electric Universe theories...

And one to point out it's Nereid,
Followed by several posts about "e" before "i"
Followed by a ToSeeked (http://www.bautforum.com/off-topic-babbling/47390-something-gillianren-2.html#post835676/) post.

mfumbesi
2007-Nov-22, 02:29 PM
What do you call a guy who drive buses for a living.
A bus driver......hahahah!
I am killing myself here, that was funny!
I am going to save my material for the comedy club, I am going to be rich.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-22, 03:41 PM
What's you job?
Nothing cool, I'm just a teacher.
There's no shame in being a teacher. Teacher have class.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 03:13 PM
Why did Obi-Wan join a Caribean band?
Becaue Boss Nass gave him a bongo!

AndreH
2007-Nov-23, 03:45 PM
Well this is dangerous, but still it is one of my favoutites in English. I will change it a little, maybe it avoids me from getting banned:

"What is the difference between American beer and making love on a boat?"

"There is no difference, both is very close to water"

(now replace very by a word not to be used on this forum)

Hey wait ... stop throwing those beer cans at me .. ouch....

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 03:51 PM
Why did the dumb pilot think Southwest was a clothing store?
Because somebody said working there would suit him!

Noclevername
2007-Nov-23, 03:58 PM
What did one astronaut say to another as they approached Venus?

"You'll like this place, I hear it has a lot of atmosphere."

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 04:03 PM
Who's vicious, British, and totally delicious?
Grand Moff Turkey'n!

WaxRubiks
2007-Nov-23, 04:17 PM
did you know that the answer to life the universe and everything was really 42.165482895106546735784567764433356842? but deepthought rounded it off because he didn't think people could handle that much truth.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-23, 04:25 PM
did you know that the answer to life the universe and everything was really 42.165482895106546735784567764433356842? but deepthought rounded it off because he didn't think people could handle that much truth.

I thought it was because he used a Pentium chip, and that was as close an approximation as he could get.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 09:50 PM
Where does Dracula go when he visits New York City?
The Vampire State Building!

MentalAvenger
2007-Nov-23, 09:58 PM
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 10:12 PM
In Cambodia, it is all wok and no play.

Kaptain K
2007-Nov-23, 10:17 PM
A termite walks into a saloon and says "is the bar tender here?"

MentalAvenger
2007-Nov-23, 10:25 PM
When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it...

No Taxes.

No Debt.

Women did most of the work.

Indian men hunted and fished all the time!

And then, white men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-23, 10:25 PM
On Halloween, a "Martian", a "werewolf" and a "soldier" go into a restaurant. The "Martian" turns around and says
"Is this supposed to be a joke?"

Sean Clayden
2007-Nov-26, 04:15 PM
Harry & Sam are clams. Although they were best friends, Harry the Clam was a very good clam, and Sam was a very bad clam. In a tragic accident, both clams were killed. Harry, the good clam, went to Heaven. Sam, being a bad clam, went to Hell.
Six months pass. St. Peter was checking up on the newest entrants and had a chance to chat with Harry. "Harry, is everything good for you up here?" he asked.
Harry replied, " Everything is perfect, and I don' t wish to complain, but I really miss by best friend Sam."
St Peter offered " Why don't you get a pass and visit him for a few days?"
Astonished, Harry inquired " How is this possible?"
St Peter smiled "As an angel, you are given a special harp as a passport back into heaven. Just show the Pearly Gatekeeper the harp and you are admitted back in."
Not believing his good fortune, Harry requested the harp, and proceeded down to the pits of Hell to see his old friend Sam. "Good to see you old friend! How is life in hell?" greeted Harry when he first saw Sam.
" Fantastic! The people are great - and the nightlife, unbelievable! In fact, I own my own disco & night club down here. Want to come see it?" teased Sam.
"Why not, as long as I have my passport harp, what can be the problem?" thought Harry, and off they went.
After a week of reveling at the nightclub, Harry thought it prudent to get back up to heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Harry hollered at the closed gates, " Hey, it's Harry the clam, let me in!" The gatekeeper replied "Harry, if that's really you, where's your harp?"
"Oh my gosh! " said Harry, and then he sang " I left my harp in Sam Clams disco."

Stuart van Onselen
2007-Nov-26, 07:20 PM
"What is the difference between American beer and making love on a boat?"

Americans make beer? Serious?!

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-26, 09:54 PM
I told everybody your cowboy joke, MetalAvenger, and they all cracked up as much as I did.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-26, 10:31 PM
Americans make beer? Serious?!

Americans make beer, but it's not very serious.

reidenschneider
2007-Nov-26, 11:10 PM
On Halloween, a "Martian", a "werewolf" and a "soldier" go into a restaurant. The "Martian" turns around and says
"Is this supposed to be a joke?"

a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher walk into a bar and the bartender says: "is this a joke?"

is this funnier? :lol:

Halcyon Dayz
2007-Nov-26, 11:25 PM
Americans make beer, but it's not very serious.
When the South Africans acquired Miller in 1999, did it get better, or worse.
I'm asking because they are about to purchase Grolsch, my favourite brand.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-26, 11:33 PM
When the South Africans acquired Miller in 1999, did it get better, or worse.
I'm asking because they are about to purchase Grolsch, my favourite brand.

Not my specialty, but AFAIK it didn't change a thing, except for who got the money.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-27, 01:22 AM
What did one Viking say to the other Viking?
"Hey, Erik, what's kraken?"

Noclevername
2007-Nov-27, 01:45 AM
What kind of car does a Viking drive?

A Fjord.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-27, 01:55 AM
What place was invaded by 70's Vikings? (Trick question.)






Mars, of course!

Zachary
2007-Nov-27, 01:43 PM
How many astronomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, give or take 73



Three men walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the scene evolves with a tedious inevitabilty.

WaxRubiks
2007-Nov-27, 02:04 PM
a woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo*

so the barman gave her one.


*eta: sorry, that should've been "double entendre"

Noclevername
2007-Nov-27, 02:19 PM
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

They have a drink, and leave quietly.










(What did you expect? They're a priest, a minister and a rabbi.)

toejam
2007-Nov-27, 05:15 PM
Of course you have all heard that really there is no shortage of water on Mars:

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap050401.html

toejam
2007-Nov-27, 05:28 PM
Just had to plagiarise this from another forum:-



Winter Classes for Men at

THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, OCTOBER 28th 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

toejam
2007-Nov-27, 05:31 PM
Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or *****........ (that "bad" word was BEE AYE TEE AYE SEE EYTCH)

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End.

toejam
2007-Nov-27, 05:37 PM
See if this gets by:-

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada, I

had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange,

so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank.



There was an Asian lady in front of me in the line who was trying

to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be a quite irritated.



She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat

dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??'



The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said,

'Fluctuations'.



The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'

Noclevername
2007-Nov-27, 05:57 PM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Are these two classes being taught under the new "Things Women Don't Need Men To Do For Them, But Can Handle Themselves With Surprisingly Little Training And Practice" program? Y'know, the one with the "How To Lower A Toilet Seat" and "Taking Out The Trash; Smaller Bags Are Lighter" classes?

HenrikOlsen
2007-Nov-27, 06:42 PM
(that "bad" word was BEE AYE TEE AYE SEE EYTCH)
bitich? What's that?

Note that misspelling, starring out letters and so on does not excuse the use of the word you managed to misspell and meas their use is still prohibited by the rules here.
I'll let it stay because you managed to make an inadvertent joke by messing up the spelling.

danscope
2007-Nov-27, 07:33 PM
Well.......it seems there was this young American bird watcher, and after
acquiring a considerable grant from the Audibon Society, took his sabatical
in the Shetland Islands off Scotland. It's a terribly lonely place, you see.
Well...he had been there for three months and hadn't seen a soul, when one day he heard a great rap upon his little viewing hut;whereupon he opened the door, and by George....there were a shetlander ! He was this great bear of a man with a huge red beard and he was wearing the kilt and smiling for the day
as he says " Well, lad, I'd like to invite you to a great party!"
To which the bird watcher says " Gee, I'd love a party. I haven't seen anyone for months!".
" Aye !" says the Shetlander...." Well there'll be plenty to eat and drink to be sure."
"Well , I 'm sick of my own cooking and I never drink alone, so that's great."
" Aye , lad. There'll be plenty of dancing and carrying on ,.... and later,
there's bound to be a fight.....there's always a fight!" He said with a twinkle in his eyes.
" Great," says the birdwatcher. " I used to cut up a rug dancing and in college
I used to fight golden gloves! "

" Aye,....well, ye be all tooled up then . And later on ...there'll be plenty o' great sex!"
" And the birdwatcher says...." Well, things have been pretty dull;
I'm ready for anything.
......Say....how shall I dress for the party? "
" Oh...well just come as ye are,lad. There's only the two of us!" :lol:

toejam
2007-Nov-27, 07:49 PM
bitich? What's that?

Note that misspelling, starring out letters and so on does not excuse the use of the word you managed to misspell and meas their use is still prohibited by the rules here.
I'll let it stay because you managed to make an inadvertent joke by messing up the spelling.

Graet to have moderators with a sense of humour. Thanks. :)

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-27, 08:14 PM
There are three men stranded on top of a cliff. A fairy says that if they jump off, they can land in whatever they yell the name out of and still be safe, but each thing can only be said once.
The first guy shouts "Gold!" and jumps off.
The second guy shouts "Diamonds!" and jumps off.
The third guy jumps, then sees how high he's falling from and shouts "Rats!"
The first two guys are millionaires now, and the third guy has rabies from so many rat bites.

Neverfly
2007-Nov-27, 09:23 PM
There are three men stranded on top of a cliff. A fairy says that if they jump off, they can land in whatever they yell the name out of and still be safe, but each thing can only be said once.
The first guy shouts "Gold!" and jumps off.
The second guy shouts "Diamonds!" and jumps off.
The third guy jumps, then sees how high he's falling from and shouts "Rats!"
The first two guys are millionaires now, and the third guy has rabies from so many rat bites.

I would have yelled "pillows."


Never trust a fairy.

Noclevername
2007-Nov-27, 09:43 PM
If you don't trust the fairy, why jump at all?

Neverfly
2007-Nov-27, 10:46 PM
If you don't trust the fairy, why jump at all?

May have something to do with being stranded.

chrissy
2007-Nov-27, 11:09 PM
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those i had killed today because they got on my nerves.
And also , help me to be careful of the toes i step on today as they maybe connected to the feet i may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always give 100% at work...
12% on monday,
23% on tuesday,
40% on wednesday,
20% on thursday
and 5% on friday.
And help me to remember....
When i am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

Neverfly
2007-Nov-27, 11:52 PM
(snip)
When i am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

Ummm (http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/20954)
...actually... (http://www.snopes.com/science/smile.asp)

danscope
2007-Nov-28, 01:01 AM
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those i had killed today because they got on my nerves.
And also , help me to be careful of the toes i step on today as they maybe connected to the feet i may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always give 100% at work...
12% on monday,
23% on tuesday,
40% on wednesday,
20% on thursday
and 5% on friday.
And help me to remember....
When i am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

Hi Crissy, That was a good one...which I shall propagate in your honour.
Best regards, Dan

Maksutov
2007-Nov-28, 01:55 AM
There was an umpire in MLB who was disliked by all the players and the managers/coaches. He would make bad, inconsistent calls and quickly eject anyone who complained. He was also disliked by his fellow umpires, since he had given the rest of them a bad name.

His behavior on the field was nothing compared to that at home. He'd beat his wife, spank his son, and kick the dog just out of spite.

One day a member of the officiating team noticed in the Baseball Umpire Daily that it was this particular disliked umpire's 50th birthday. He met with the other two umpires and it was decided that, even though the guy was a real boor, they'd take him out to dinner after the game.

Surprisingly the birthday umpire accepted their offer, and after tossing both managers during the game, he and the other umpires had dinner at a bar & grill noted for its burgers and selection of beers and liquors. As the nasty umpire drank beer after beer, his disposition began to change and eventually he began telling jokes and kidding around. His fellow umps were amazed at the transformation.

After a few hours it was obviously time for the party to end. One of the other umpires provided the guest of honor with a ride home, since he was in no condition to drive.

When he got in the door, his family cringed as usual. But, to their shock, the umpire complimented his wife on her hair and clothes, he gave the dog a good rub and treated him to a burger he had smuggled home, and finally he sat down in his easy chair, called to his son, and told him to sit on his knee while he told him some funny baseball stories.

But the son refused.

Which proves that the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-28, 08:35 PM
What goes ha ha ha ha PLUNK!
A robot laughing it's head off!

Kiwi
2007-Nov-30, 10:05 AM
Here's the best old joke I've ever seen. Found in a newspaper dated 11 January 1923:

Struck by the notice "Iron Sinks" in a shop window, a wag went inside and said that he was perfectly aware of the fact that "iron sank."

Alive to the occasion, the smart shopkeeper retaliated: "Yes, and time flies, but wine vaults, sulphur springs, jam rolls, grass slopes, music stands, Niagara Falls, moonlight walks, sheep run, Kent hops, and holiday trips; scandal spreads, standard weights, India rubber tyres, the organ stops, the world goes round, trade returns and — "

But the visitor had bolted. After collecting his thoughts, he returned, and, showing his head at the doorway, shouted: "Yes, I agree with all of that perfectly, and marble busts."

WaxRubiks
2007-Nov-30, 10:27 AM
two hillbillies are walking along the road and they see a dog licking himself, and one of the hillbillies says, "gee, I wish I could do that"
and the other one says,
"don't be silly man, the dog would bite yer!"

Doodler
2007-Nov-30, 07:00 PM
What do the 2007 Baltimore Ravens have in common with a possum?


They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

KaiYeves
2007-Nov-30, 08:32 PM
She was an old lady, but her face was so full of plastic surgery that you couldn't really tell the age.
She was dripping in jewlery. I'd never seen so many diamonds outside of a museum. (And those custom shoes.)
Did I mention that she offered me caviar and truffels?
So, there I stood in my t-shirt and leggings, wearing a rubber Save Darfur bracelet and worn sneakers and told her I was interested in space exploration.
And she said
"Hmmph! What a waste of money!"
So I walked out and never came back.

sarongsong
2007-Nov-30, 08:50 PM
Wow---the writers are still on strike!

toejam
2007-Dec-04, 05:06 PM
trying to revive this thread:

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it took the Astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son
came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only
Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are
these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the Astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the moon. When the son relayed this comment, the Navajo
elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the
Astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional
opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo
elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son
if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the
recording and laughed uproariously, but refused to translate. So the NASA people
took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was
summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these *******s, they have come to steal your land."

toejam
2007-Dec-04, 05:10 PM
And another:

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, John.

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note

Dear John, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Mary

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-04, 08:26 PM
Forensic archeolgical humour:
The police find a skeleton that is complete from the waist up. They take it to a forensic examiner.
The police officer asks "Doctor, what can you tell us from this skeleton?"
The examiner looks the skeleton over and says
"Well, officer, this man had dandruff."
The police officer is taken aback.
"How can you tell that he had dandruff?"
The forensic examiner says...






"Because you found his head and shoulders!"

Whirlpool
2007-Dec-05, 05:14 AM
Christmas Signs:

- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

- Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

- From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

- In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

- A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

- In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

absael
2007-Dec-05, 06:06 AM
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?













A stick.

Noclevername
2007-Dec-05, 06:39 AM
And another:

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.
<snip>
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Mary

IIRC, this one was originally from an episode of MASH.

absael
2007-Dec-05, 07:04 AM
Werner Heisenberg was stopped for speeding. The cop asks him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am!"

reidenschneider
2007-Dec-05, 09:53 AM
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made many separate trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying only a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten." :)

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-05, 08:25 PM
Non-fluent English speaker: "Please sir, what is time?"
Cosmologist: "That's what I want to know."

toejam
2007-Dec-05, 10:39 PM
IIRC, this one was originally from an episode of MASH.

Small world. I got it on the Russian Pravda joke thread. More life there but NOT so polite as here. :)

http://engforum.pravda.ru/showthread.php3?postid=2375865#post2375865

absael
2007-Dec-06, 05:38 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?







To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

Kaptain K
2007-Dec-06, 07:58 AM
Why did Willie Nelson cross the road?



To do a duet with a chicken!

Noclevername
2007-Dec-06, 12:31 PM
To do a duet with a chicken!

But the chicken got run over by a car, so it sang "On the road again..."

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-06, 07:51 PM
Joining in (sorry if you've heard 'em before)...

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but the trick is getting them inside the light bulb...

Am I too blue for you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants fell off a cliff.
Boom! Boom!

(that works better verbally, in fact).

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's brown and sticky?













A stick!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

What ticks on the wall?
Ticky paper!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So there was this rabbit, right? And he's a regular at his local pub. Every evening he goes in there, has a pint of bitter and a packet of cheese toasties. Regular as anything. Then one night, he goes in for his pint of bitter and his cheese toasties, and the barman says to him "look, I'm sorry, mate, but I've run out of cheese toasties," so the rabbit is all "oh, what am I going to do?" and the barman says, "well, I've got ham toasties, you could try those," so that's what the rabbit does. He has his pint of bitter and his ham toasties, then off he goes. The barman then doesn't see him for weeks. Then, one night, just around closing time, in walks the ghost of this rabbit. The barman says to him "Blimey, mate, what happened to you?" and the rabbit says "well, I'm dead aren't I?", and the barman says, "well, yeah, but what did you die of?" and the rabbit says, "Mixing ma toasties."

Noclevername
2007-Dec-06, 07:57 PM
"Mixing ma toasties."

:confused:

I have no idea.

Is this some UK expression I've never heard?

absael
2007-Dec-06, 08:01 PM
A man came home from work to find his blond wife working at the kitchen table. "What are you doing?", he asked. His wife replied, "I'm trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, but it's really hard. Here, look at the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."

The man shook his head slowly. "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

toejam
2007-Dec-06, 08:06 PM
:confused:

I have no idea.

Is this some UK expression I've never heard?

No.

MYXOMATOSIS a real life WMD:

a disease of rabbits, introduced into Australia & UK to kill off those things. Was pretty sad to see when it was going on -- their glands swelled & they were blind for a few days before dying. Running or crawling around in broad daylight, blind, with the ravens or crows picking at them. That's how it looked in Wales.

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-06, 08:08 PM
Hey, no-one said they had to be good jokes!

Noclevername
2007-Dec-06, 08:10 PM
No.

MYXOMATOSIS a real life WMD:

a disease of rabbits, introduced into Australia & UK to kill off those things. Was pretty sad to see when it was going on -- their glands swelled & they were blind for a few days before dying. Running or crawling around in broad daylight, blind, with the ravens or crows picking at them. That's how it looked in Wales.

Oh, yuck. I liked him better when he was just playing tricks on Superman.

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-06, 08:11 PM
OK, what do you call a man with a spade in his head?




Doug.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?






Russell.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?









Cliff!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a blind stag?









No idea!

------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a blind stag that is lame in all four legs?








Still no idea!

toejam
2007-Dec-06, 08:11 PM
What's black & brown & looks good on a Lawyer?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
a couple of Dobermann Pinschers.

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-06, 08:13 PM
Oh, yuck. I liked him better when he was just playing tricks on Superman.

Eh???
:confused:

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-06, 08:19 PM
A man walks into a bar (no, this is not that joke). He orders a drink and says to the bartender, "Hey do you wanna hear this great blonde joke I heard today?"
The bartender replies: "I'm a blonde, and I have a baseball bat under the bar. See that woman next to you? She's a blonde and is an olympic shot-putter. That woman over by the pool table? She's a blonde and she has a black belt in karate. The woman down by the end of the bar? She's a blonde, and she's a national boxing champion. And that woman just coming back from the ladies' room? She's a blonde, and she's a bodybuilder - she can bench press 200 lbs. Now, are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"
The fellow looks around and says "Hell, no. I don't wanna have to explain it five times!"

Noclevername
2007-Dec-06, 08:44 PM
Eh???
:confused:

Must not be a fan.

Just making a feeble pun on the similarity between Mister Mxyzptlk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_Mxyzptlk) and the rabbit disease. But if it has to be explained, it's not a joke...:doh:

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-07, 01:30 AM
I don't like scary campfire stories, so I've perfected this little bugger for when somebody says we should tell them. It's...
The Scariest Story Ever!
Okay, so these two countries fired all of their atomic weapons at each other and all of the people got terrible radiation sickness. Then, the dust filled the atmosphere and blocked out the sun and the plants wouldn't grow and everybody died. The End.
Scary, huh?

MentalAvenger
2007-Dec-07, 05:56 AM
Carols for the mentally disturbed

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ............(start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

PSYCHOPATHIC PERSONALITY:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

FRIGID PERSONALITY
Frosty the Snowman

MASOCHIST
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

PARANOID SURVIVALIST
Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Holly

BIGOT
White Christmas

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-07, 08:37 PM
In the library, my little brother came up to me and said what sounded like "Where is the restroom?"
So I said "You know where that is!"
And he said "No, I don't."
So, I took his hand and started walking to the restroom. About halfway there, he said
"Where are you taking me?"
"The restroom. That's what you asked for."
"No, I said 'Where are the westerns?'"

danscope
2007-Dec-10, 08:33 PM
" My dog has no nose. "

" How does he smell ? "

" Awefull !!! " :)


Dan

Noclevername
2007-Dec-10, 09:06 PM
There was an unaired episode of Doctor Who in which our intrepid time-traveller goes back to the 1950s and invents Rock and Roll. Never got produced, but it would have fit in well with real history.

After all, we all know that Who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop.

toejam
2007-Dec-10, 10:19 PM
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out of the window: New York.

One hand on wheel, middle finger and head out the window, cursing, cutting across all traffic lanes: Philadelphia.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, shotgun in lap: Los Angeles.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the backseat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

One hand on the wheel, the other holding a cell phone, driving 130 mph and four feet from another car's bumper, late for happy hour, while flashing headlights to tell others to get the hell out of the way: Washington, D.C., Beltway.


__________________

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-11, 01:35 AM
Darth Vader: The Rebels are escaping! To the fighters!
Soldier in crowd: Aye, Cap'n! Blow 'em out o' the water!
Darth Vader: This is Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribean is the next studio over.

chrissy
2007-Dec-11, 01:41 AM
6 truths about life:
1. you cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. all idiots, after reading the first truth try it.
3. the first truth is a lie.
4. you're smiling now, becuase you're an idiot.
5. you soon will forward thisto another idiot.
6.there is still a stupid smile on your face.

reidenschneider
2007-Dec-11, 12:07 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw… brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.” :whistle:

i hope this does not offend.

JohnBStone
2007-Dec-11, 02:19 PM
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

i hope this does not offend.
Only in so much as having time stop and light and sound still function should be moved over to ATM :whistle:

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-11, 08:15 PM
Russian Villager: Do you come in peace?
Cosmonaut: No, I come in Vostok 7.

Maksutov
2007-Dec-12, 06:41 AM
Working definition of infinite time:

Four blonds in four cars, each stopped at a stop sign at a crossroad.

Working definition of the smallest time interval:

The time between when the light turns green at 5th Avenue and 57th Street and when the cabbie behind you leans on his horn.

Working definition of time's relativity, in the plus direction:

The difference between what you expected and how long it actually took when your wife said, "I'll be right out, I just need to fix my hair."

Working definition of time's relativity, in the minus direction:

The difference between how long it seems to take for your vacation to finally start and the perceived amount of time before you're back at your job.

danscope
2007-Dec-12, 06:27 PM
Yes....like Perry Mason used to say..." Isn't it true ...isn't it TRUE!!! " .

:) Dan

danscope
2007-Dec-12, 07:16 PM
Here's a good couple of jokes. Get on YOUTUBE and punch in
Portland Ice Storm . Oh...the humanity. This guy is safe on the third floor videotaping the action. You never seen the likes of this.
Best regards, Dan

Drive slow....maybe stay home. There's a lesson there somewhere. :)

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-12, 08:55 PM
A well known one, but...
"The panda bear eats, shoots, and leaves."
BANG!

Noclevername
2007-Dec-13, 01:22 AM
What do you say to Luke Skywalker in a fancy restaurant?

"Use the forks, Luke!"

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-13, 09:24 PM
What do you say to Luke Skywalker in a fancy restaurant?
"Use the forks, Luke!"
There's a Star Wars homage I'm writing where the hero is a girl named Lana and the Obi-Wan character is a science teacher. In the final battle, he tells her:
"Use the facts, Lana!"

mike alexander
2007-Dec-14, 12:44 AM
A guy walks into a bar and puts a box down in front of the bartender. "What's in there?" the bartender asks.

"It's a little man who can play the piano," the customer replies.

"Yeah, sure. But I'll tell you what. Prove it and your drinks are on the house."

The customer smiles, opens the box, looks inside and says, "Okay, you're on," and a tiny man barely a foot tall jumps out, runs down the bar, leaps onto the piano where he begins to bang out a very presentable version of 'The Entertainer'.

"Be darned," the bartender said, pouring a double. "But where'd you ever get him?"

"Well," the customer replied, "I was on vacation on Ireland, and while walking through the woods came across this very old elf who had been pinned under a fallen branch. I helped him to get free and in return he offered to grant me a wish."

The bartender scratched his head. "An elf gives you a wish and you go for a tiny piano player?"

"Not really," the customer said. "Remember, I said he was very old, and must have been hard of hearing. So after I told him my wish, he gave me a twelve inch pianist."

danscope
2007-Dec-14, 01:58 AM
Rotflmao !!!!! :)

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-15, 12:07 AM
A man is drinking in a bar when a monkey steals his drink and runs away.
"Hey, who owns that blasted monkey?" He asks the bartender.
"The piano player." The bartender says.
So he walks over and asks the piano player
"Do you know your monkey took my beer?"
"No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

reidenschneider
2007-Dec-15, 10:19 AM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder and
screams, she then pushes her elbow and screams even more. She pushes
her knee and screams; likewise, she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches herself makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor replies. "Your finger is broken." :lol:

danscope
2007-Dec-18, 10:53 PM
Dog's Diary..../ Cat's Diary ....hmmmm....


A Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!




8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!




9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!




Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!




2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!




3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!




4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!




6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!




7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!




8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!




9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!




11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!





A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.




Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.




In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.




Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.




There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



Hmmm....one of the visitors brought in this can thing and opened it and put some of it in a dish for me.....just a little...to keep me "Keen as mustard".
I wonder how large a bird this turkey thing is. I could take it I bet.


Typical, they shove the can in the cold box , let it degenerate , and now it taste bad. I hate it. Why didn't they just give me the hole thing at once?
Part of their insidious plot.


I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. He easily capitulates to his captors....the swine!




The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.




It's only a matter of time.
:) Dan

danscope
2007-Dec-18, 10:56 PM
Seems plausable....

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

danscope
2007-Dec-18, 10:58 PM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me, trying to renew his license finally got his photo taken.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

danscope
2007-Dec-18, 11:02 PM
Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents
tell you a story with a moral at the end.The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories."Johnny, do you have a story to
share?""Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and
a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn'tbreak
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.""Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?
" Better stay away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

danscope
2007-Dec-18, 11:06 PM
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the
situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm in real trouble!!!! There is
a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
in real trouble . Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief
standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds
to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless
body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock
on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
NOW you're in real trouble! "

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-18, 11:24 PM
Generic Action Hero and Generic Love Interest are escaping from evil henchmen:
"Well done, Darling! This is going like gangbusters!" Says Love Interest.
They get out of the way just as the big wall of fire comes behind them.
"No, I'd say it's going like MythBusters!"

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 12:40 AM
Statistics for winter:

" 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH D^%&% !!! "' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

mike alexander
2007-Dec-19, 12:49 AM
A fellow walks up to his friend at the funeral parlor. "Hey, Bill, I'm sorry about Charlie," he said, pointing to the coffin. "I hear you were with him when he died."

"Yeah," Bill replied."We were on the tenth tee. Charlie hit his drive, and it was a great shot. Then he clutched at his chest and fell down dead."

"Must've been tough."

"I'll say. All afternoon it was hit the ball and drag Charlie, hit the ball and drag Charlie..."

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 12:56 AM
A man was driving down a country road one day at
45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged
turkey running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed
up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the turkey.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but lo and behold,
so did the 3-legged turkey.

The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be
equaled in speed by the 3-legged turkey.

As the man watched in amazement, the turkey suddenly made
a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a
small farm.

The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the
turkey to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the
midst of many 3-legged turkeys.

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was
raising 3-legged turkeys.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average
family of 3 people, only 2 can have a turkey leg with an
average turkey. But with a three legged turkey, each
member of the family can enjoy a turkey leg for of their
own on Thanksgiving."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well
how do your 3-legged turkeys taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able
to catch one."

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 01:02 AM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... "Get your own darned blanket."

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 01:19 AM
Confucious say...... "Wise man never play leap-frog over unicorn."

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-19, 01:59 AM
A kid is eating a fortune cookie at recess.
The fortune says "Confucius say: 'Duck!'"
The kid looks around and goes "Huh? What?"
A dodgeball hits them in the head.
When they get home, their mum asks
"What did you learn at school today?"
"Listen to Confucius!"

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 04:28 AM
Survey says.......


WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


Ø What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.





What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head

********************
I remember Art Linkletter who said...."Kids say the darnedest things! "

Made me laugh !
Dan

reidenschneider
2007-Dec-19, 11:30 AM
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

danscope
2007-Dec-19, 06:35 PM
Do you Know why they bury lawyers 15 feet deep?

Welll, way down deep,


They're real nice guys! :lol:

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-19, 08:22 PM
What bad guy never gets lost?
Darth Radar!

mike alexander
2007-Dec-19, 08:37 PM
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

-Dorothy Parker

Noclevername
2007-Dec-19, 10:16 PM
Do you Know why they bury lawyers 15 feet deep?

Welll, way down deep,


They're real nice guys! :lol:

I would've said, "Because they can".

reidenschneider
2007-Dec-20, 07:35 AM
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Bessler007
2007-Dec-20, 03:36 PM
There was a farmer with three daughters and 1.58 x 10^6 grandchildren sitting on his front porch one day when he noticed a traveling salesman coming down the drive and thought, 'oh, no. Not again!'

Fazor
2007-Dec-20, 03:48 PM
Okay this is an old, corny one (my favorite kind) that I'm stealing from World of Warcraft:

So this man walks into a bar and says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!", so the bartender says, "Relax man! You're two tents!"

Sorry, I'm easily ammused :)

danscope
2007-Dec-20, 07:23 PM
This guy had been taken under observation for breaking a bunch of windows on main street at 3 o'clock in the morning, singing 'hail to the chief".
Well, they kept him down at the state hospital for two months, and by degrees, he seemed to get better and better.
Finally, the review board gave him an audience to certify that he was normal enough to join society.

" Well Mr. Mc Nurphy , How do you feel today?"
" Actually , I feel very well, thank you. Sun shining today. "
"And did you learn anything here these few weeks?"
" Why yes. I made many new friends, and I feel renewed, refreshed you might say. I feel like I could accomplish something. Meet new people, you know?"
" Well, that's good to hear from you. And If you went home, today, what would you do?"
" Gee....well, I would first get my best clothes on after a shower, and then......I'd go out and look for a new job. I just know that would be best."
"Excellent, Mr. McNurphy. Excellent. "
" Yes. I would do that. And probably, if I was lucky, I may meet some new girl while filling out job applications. "
" "That sounds logical, Mr. McNurphy."
" Yes,Sir. And then maybe I would invite her to supper tonight and a dance afterwrds. And then on the way home, late in the evening, I'd park on mainstreet, take off her garter, make a slingshot out of it and get some stones and BREAK all of those windows singing "Hail to the chief" !!!!! :lol:

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-20, 09:50 PM
"My tastes in music are eclectic."
"What's eclectic?"
"You know, you plug something into a hole and a blub lights up."
"That's electric."
-Sister Act 2

Blondin
2007-Dec-20, 10:59 PM
There are two snowmen standing out in a field. One of them says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"

Bessler007
2007-Dec-21, 04:47 AM
Here's one from M*A*S*H.

A guy goes to a circus and tells the ring master he wants to join. The ring master asks, 'what can you do?' He says 'watch this' and begins to climb the pole in the middle of the big top.

He gets to the top then dives off. The next thing you know he's soaring every where making circles in the air then finally lands beside the ring master and asks, 'what do you think?' The ring master replies, 'is that all you do? bird imitations?'

Bessler007
2007-Dec-21, 07:20 PM
Life can be funny if you look for the humor. I was thinking about the wonderful woman that married me just now and thought:

I really doubt her judgment. After all she did marry me. Also she disagrees with me a lot. Is it possible I could be wrong as often as she thinks I am?

But she's soft and sometimes sweet and very beautiful. It's a wonderful life. Happy holidays.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-21, 08:01 PM
"Okay, here are the disguises the spy most often uses. Memorize these photographs."
"Is that a zebra? Man, this guy must be good."
"Uh, no, sorry. That's from my trip to the zoo yesterday."

Bessler007
2007-Dec-22, 04:13 AM
Churchill was at a party and a woman approached him saying, 'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!' to which he replied, 'and you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober.'

Jason_Roberts
2007-Dec-22, 04:28 PM
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

[EDIT: One more - ]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-22, 11:24 PM
A kid comes rowing down the River Thames in London, in a boat shaped like a Tyranosaurus Rex skull. He moors the boat, stand up, winces in pain and removes something from the back of his leg. Then he walks down the street, passing two police officers. He hands something to one officer.
"He gave me a bloody dinosaur tooth." One officer says.
The other one looks at it and says:
"My gosh, it is bloody!"

Kaptain K
2007-Dec-23, 12:43 AM
Churchill was at a party and a woman approached him saying, 'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!' to which he replied, 'and you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober.'
That's not a joke, it's a true story!

Bessler007
2007-Dec-23, 01:06 AM
Truth is funnier than fiction.

WaxRubiks
2007-Dec-23, 12:10 PM
what does fatherchristmas ponder when delivering presents, to children of moonhoax believing parents?

whether they have been noughty or nice.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-23, 07:23 PM
I once was in Mock Trial Club with a witness who couldn't read my handwriting on his cue cards.
"Officer, did you search the lake for the weapon?"
"No, for that we would have needed a scuba... driver."
(Jury bursts out laughing)
"That's 'diver', officer."

danscope
2007-Dec-24, 03:49 AM
Sounds like he was 'all wet"

Maksutov
2007-Dec-24, 11:13 PM
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missiletoe.

g0pher
2007-Dec-25, 02:04 PM
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-25, 07:28 PM
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!

Chuck
2007-Dec-25, 09:53 PM
What was the first book ever written about baseball?

The bible. It starts out "In the big inning..."

Neverfly
2007-Dec-26, 02:43 AM
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one while the world revolves around her.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Stuart van Onselen
2007-Dec-26, 01:27 PM
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
But they are afraid of Chuck Norris, who may be sneaking up on them.

And since Chuck can see in the dark, he's going to find you whether or not you replaced the darned light-bulb, so why bother?

g0pher
2007-Dec-26, 01:49 PM
oh no... please don't jump on the norris bandwagon :(

Fazor
2007-Dec-26, 03:16 PM
Another from my favorite stand-up, Mitch Hedburg (RIP)
"So this guy gives me a picture and says, 'here, this is of me when I was younger'.... EVERY picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here, this is a picture of me when I'm older. Dude, where'd you get that camera?!'"
also
"I was walk'n down the street and my friend says, 'Dude, I hear music', as if there's any other way to take it in. I hear music too, that's the sense you use when you want to detect music--you're not special. I tried to taste it once, but it didn't work."

Noclevername
2007-Dec-26, 10:47 PM
Why does a chicken breast fall from the sky better than a chicken wing?

Because it's a little meatier.

(Say it out loud.)

Neverfly
2007-Dec-26, 11:20 PM
Why does a chicken breast fall from the sky better than a chicken wing?

Because it's a little meatier.

(Say it out loud.)

Why are you trying to get me to say 'breast' out loud?:doh: :neutral:

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-27, 11:23 AM
Apologies in advance for this one, but I couldn't resist it:

Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker: I know what you getting for Christmas.
Luke replies: How do you know that?
Vader: I have felt your presents...

WaxRubiks
2007-Dec-27, 12:42 PM
tongue-twister

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate,
And I'm only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.

Dr Nigel
2007-Dec-28, 09:55 AM
I thought that last line should be ". . . I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes". Otherwise it's inconsistent, because that's the only reference to pheasant pluckers in the plural. Still, whatever works, I guess. :)

WaxRubiks
2007-Dec-28, 10:28 AM
I thought that last line should be ". . . I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes". Otherwise it's inconsistent, because that's the only reference to pheasant pluckers in the plural. Still, whatever works, I guess. :)


I copied from the wikipedia page on tongue twisters, if you want to go over there and edit it.

Gemini
2007-Dec-28, 11:33 AM
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her.


That also works for trumpet players and guitarists.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-28, 02:06 PM
What space opera had ice cream characters?
Attack of the Cones!

HenrikOlsen
2007-Dec-28, 11:23 PM
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her.
I heard that one about economists, as in:

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, Alan Greenspan to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-29, 08:19 PM
Don't believe what those economists tell you, the world is an oblate spheroid.

absael
2007-Dec-30, 07:04 PM
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-30, 07:37 PM
Some people say that anagrams reveal secret knowledge. For example, rearanging the letters in "Princess Diana" gives you "ascend in Paris" and rearanging the letters in "George Bush" gives you "He bugs Gore".
But are we really supposed to believe that the Loch Ness Monster "Censors Menthols"?

Noclevername
2007-Dec-30, 08:39 PM
But are we really supposed to believe that the Loch Ness Monster "Censors Menthols"?

Of course! A plesiosaur would have bad memories of smoke, that's what killed off all the other dinosaurs. ;)

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-31, 12:29 AM
But do you think the Loch Ness Monster "Shelters Noncoms"?

Noclevername
2007-Dec-31, 01:12 AM
But do you think the Loch Ness Monster "Shelters Noncoms"?

Maybe that's why the Highlanders live in Scotland.

KaiYeves
2007-Dec-31, 08:02 PM
But is the Loch Ness Monster a "Stenchless Moron"?

Chuck
2008-Jan-02, 05:45 AM
Q. Who is the cannibals' favorite poet?

A. Elizabeth Barrett, Browning.

danscope
2008-Jan-02, 05:50 AM
You know....a mind is a terrible thing to baste.:)

Dan

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-02, 09:41 PM
"I represent the Order of Dolphins, and I believe that there is a higher porpoise."

Noclevername
2008-Jan-03, 07:08 PM
You know....a mind is a terrible thing to baste.:)


That reminds me of Dan Quayle's favorite food, pota-Toe chips.

toejam
2008-Jan-03, 07:29 PM
That reminds me of Dan Quayle's favorite food, pota-Toe chips.

With or without Toejam?

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-03, 11:44 PM
Did you hear about the Loch Ness Monster's brother? The one that got eaten? He was called the Delicious Ness Monster.

Ha, ha, ha! I slay me!

Neverfly
2008-Jan-04, 12:39 AM
Ha, ha, ha! I slay me!

After telling a joke like that, you deserved it:neutral:

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-04, 12:43 AM
I really did find that funny. I am easily amused.

Neverfly
2008-Jan-04, 12:53 AM
I really did find that funny. I am easily amused.

So did I...

But I found my mean joke at your expense funny too;)

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-04, 12:57 AM
This is an actual gag I acted out with a broken phone for my friends one day:
"Hello, Leonardo Da Vinci?
(Pause)
What do you mean, the telephone hasn't been invented yet?
(Pause)
Hello? Hello?"

Noclevername
2008-Jan-06, 02:22 PM
What did the bailiff do during the cannibals' trial?

He swore, in the witness.

Noclevername
2008-Jan-08, 05:52 PM
How does an Agnostic begin his prayers?

"To Whom It May Concern..."

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-08, 08:31 PM
Every time somebody says "everything is so great that I dare something to go wrong", something horrible happens.
When I find the guy who said that on 9/10/01, he is dead meat.

Dr Nigel
2008-Jan-13, 10:31 PM
Did you hear about the Loch Ness Monster's brother? The one that got eaten? He was called the Delicious Ness Monster.


:confused:

Dr Nigel
2008-Jan-13, 10:33 PM
Every time somebody says "everything is so great that I dare something to go wrong", something horrible happens.
When I find the guy who said that on 9/10/01, he is dead meat.

Erm, did you mean 9/11/01 (which, to be pedantic for a short while, is more correctly 2001/09/11)?

Delvo
2008-Jan-14, 03:16 PM
:confused:When spoken out loud, the first two words would sound like one: "Deliciousness"... the trait of being delicious.


Erm, did you mean 9/11/01 (which, to be pedantic for a short while, is more correctly 2001/09/11)?It's not a matter of correctness; it's just two separate arbitrary conventions.

Dr Nigel
2008-Jan-14, 08:16 PM
When spoken out loud, the first two words would sound like one: "Deliciousness"... the trait of being delicious.

OK, I got that , but I did not see why it is funny...?


It's not a matter of correctness; it's just two separate arbitrary conventions.

Well, except that one is logical and an internationally-agreed standard, while the other is neither logical nor standard.

SeanF
2008-Jan-14, 08:35 PM
Well, except that one is logical and an internationally-agreed standard, while the other is neither logical nor standard.
You left out "internationally-agreed" in the final phrase - it most certainly is a standard.

And it's worth pointing out that neither "logical" nor "internationally-agreed standard" is a synonym for "correct" (nor, for that matter, is "logical and internationally-agreed standard"). :p

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-14, 08:39 PM
The best joke you think will be political, but isn't:
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Iran and Iraq.
Iran and Iraq who?
Iran away from home because Iraqued my dad's car!

Delvo
2008-Jan-15, 07:14 PM
And the one you're calling illogical is logical. You're just using the wrong logic. :) (The logic is to put things not in order of unit size but in the order in which they're spoken: we say "January 15 2008", not "2008 January 15" or "15 January 2008".)

SeanF
2008-Jan-15, 07:57 PM
And the one you're calling illogical is logical. You're just using the wrong logic. :) (The logic is to put things not in order of unit size but in the order in which they're spoken: we say "January 15 2008", not "2008 January 15" or "15 January 2008".)
But many people do say "15 January 2008." They just say it "15th of January, 2008." We do say "Fourth of July," after all.

I'm not entirely sure how common "January 15th, 2008" is across the pond, but 'round these parts it's the standard. And "01/15/08" is the written standard. :)

HenrikOlsen
2008-Jan-16, 01:08 PM
Over here, it would be 15/01/08, though I'm personally partial to 08/01/15 and has a tendency to use 20080115 when I can get away with it, since that when sorted alphabetically will sort correctly by ascending time.

SeanF
2008-Jan-16, 02:15 PM
Over here, it would be 15/01/08, though I'm personally partial to 08/01/15 and has a tendency to use 20080115 when I can get away with it, since that when sorted alphabetically will sort correctly by ascending time.
Henrik, when you're speaking the date out loud, do you say "January 15th, 2008" or "15th of January, 2008" or something else? Just curious. :)

HenrikOlsen
2008-Jan-16, 03:33 PM
femtende januar totusind-og-otte

SeanF
2008-Jan-16, 03:45 PM
femtende januar totusind-og-otte
So, 15/01/08 does match the order - first day, then month, then year. Thanks! :)

tofu
2008-Jan-16, 04:54 PM
I'm personally partial to 08/01/15 and has a tendency to use 20080115 when I can get away with it, since that when sorted alphabetically will sort correctly by ascending time.

This would be my preference as well.

Since this is a joke thread, every so often I slip 19108 into a date field (perhaps in a comment in source code) as a tip of the hat to all the cobol programs that have "19" hardcoded and so counted years as 1998, 1999, 19100, 19101, etc.

(I slay me)

Noclevername
2008-Jan-16, 08:05 PM
Why did the agnostic cross the road?

We can't know that.

KaiYeves
2008-Jan-16, 08:11 PM
I use month/day for everyday things and day/month when I want to be formal.

A magician has a part in his act where he juggles knives. He is traveling to a show with his props in his trunk when a police officer stops him.
"I see you have some knives in your trunk. Why?" The officer asks
"I'm a magician, I juggle them in my act."
"Prove it. Get out of the car and juggle them right now."
So he gets on the side of the roade and starts juggling the knives. A man from out of state passes by and remarks:
"My, the sobriety tests in New York sure are hard."

KaiYeves
2008-Feb-23, 05:24 PM
RUSSIAN PEASANT: Do you come in peace?
COSMONAUT: No, I come in Vostok capsule.

speedfreek
2008-Feb-23, 10:42 PM
What is white, has four feet and if it fell on you from out of a tree, it could kill you?




A refrigerator.

------------------------------
What is green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from out of a tree, it could kill you?




A snooker table.

-----------------------------
How can you tell if there is an elephant sleeping in your bed?




It will have the letter "E" embroidered onto its pyjamas.

-------------------------------
Why do elephants in the jungle paint their balls red?




So that they can hide, up in the branches of cherry trees.

---------------------------------
What causes the loudest noise in the jungle?



Giraffe eating cherries.

KaiYeves
2008-Feb-24, 01:40 AM
SECRETARY: Ambassador Bukhspksplodjps from Pluto is here to see you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: How do you spell that?
SECRETARY: P-l-u-t-o, sir.

ravens_cry
2008-Feb-24, 03:54 AM
Q: What goes ha, ha, thump?
A: A man laughing his head off.

danscope
2008-Feb-24, 07:58 PM
Alllo.....Alllo. Amusing experiment; fun with animals .


How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dammn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b@@&*rd's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


Cats can, at times, be unco-operative.:lol:

Happy days,
Dan

danscope
2008-Feb-24, 08:02 PM
Here's something:

The Tour Bus

A tour bus crashes and everyone is standing at the pearly Gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells all of the hen-pecked husbands to come and stand on his right. All of the men go to St. Peter's right except for one man. St. Peter asked him why he didn't move to his right and the man said that his wife told him not to.

:lol:

KaiYeves
2008-Feb-24, 08:42 PM
Astronaut: Our oxygen tank has ruptured and we only have 59 seconds of air left!
Mission Control: Can you hold on a minute...

danscope
2008-Feb-24, 08:42 PM
Research is important.

A Stanford medical research group advertised for participants in a study of the obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying. They got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person. :lol:

Have a laugh. Life is short.
Dan

KaiYeves
2008-Feb-24, 08:53 PM
What disease did the crew of the Enterprise come down with?
Chicken Spocks!

Phlash
2008-Feb-25, 04:58 PM
Last November there was a report in our local newspaper that the police had caught two teenagers acting suspiciously at the back of a shopping mall. One was caught eating fireworks and the other was caught drinking battery acid.

The case was bought to court……. But!

The one eating fireworks was let off!
The one drinking battery acid was charged! http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i234/Asperula/Smilies/rotfl.gif

:)

Noclevername
2008-Feb-25, 05:46 PM
The one eating fireworks was let off!
The one drinking battery acid was charged! http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i234/Asperula/Smilies/rotfl.gif

:)

But one got a bang out of it, while the other just felt hollow inside.

closetgeek
2008-Feb-26, 02:33 PM
What do you get when a dragon sneezes?



Out of the way


First mate to pirate "Why do you always wear red shirts?"
Pirate to first mate "Yar so if I am stabbed, me enemy doesn't know I am bleeding." Soon after the pirate ship was taken over by another pirate ship.
Pirate to his first mate "Yar, fetch me brown pants"

Noclevername
2008-Feb-26, 09:52 PM
What's the worst birthday present Superman ever got?

Kryptonite underwear.

KaiYeves
2008-Feb-26, 10:16 PM
What do you say when your rocket is surrounded by 34 space invaders?


I give up!

danscope
2008-Mar-03, 06:32 AM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold. He knows computers. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a minimum bill for a service call. As he was leaving, I asked "what was wrong?" He replied, "it was an ID ten T error". I asked "what is an ID ten T error"?

Harold grinned......."haven't you ever heard of and ID ten T error before"? "Write it down, he said, "and I think you'll figure it out".

So I wrote it down ......... I D 1 0 T error.

I used to like Harold.

Hmmmmmmmm........

danscope
2008-Mar-03, 06:48 AM
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,
but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated
by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as
far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight
from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she
became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the
restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,
slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and
left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The
enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one
of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to
tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"

KaiYeves
2008-Mar-03, 10:16 PM
Astronaut: My capsule just splashed down and it's filling with water!
Mission Control: Capsize?
Astronaut: Well, the one on my head right now is about 6 1/2...

Cylinder
2008-Mar-04, 02:37 AM
It's a groaner, but my 6-year-old's current fave:

The farmer wanted to enter one of his animals in a barnyard race but could not decide who was the fastest. He decided to ask his animals.

Mr. Pig, who is the fastest animal on the farm?
Oink, oink.

Undaunted, the farmer went to the cow.

Mr. Cow, who is the fastest animal on the farm?
Moo, moo.

Feeling a little frustrated, the farmer decided to ask one more animal.

Mr. Horse, who is the fastest animal on the farm?
Meeheehee!

Noclevername
2008-Mar-04, 02:44 AM
Have you heard the joke about the Giraffe?

...Never mind, it's over your head.

______________________

Have you heard the one about the pig?

...it's kinda dirty.

danscope
2008-Mar-04, 05:22 PM
Hi,

In some circles this is a famous poem:

Johnny was a chemist.
He was , but he ain't no more.

"cause what he thought was H2O

Was H 2 So 4 !

:D


Dan

Mister Earl
2008-Mar-04, 06:57 PM
A hundred years ago, in a quiet New England town, there was a young married couple, well off and in love, and this day in the local hospital. The wife was about to become a mother, and the father was already in celebration. She had been thought incapable of conceiving. A bouncing baby boy was born, and the new Mother and the new Father celebrated with lots and lots of drink.

The next morning, much to their dismay, the recieved the newly minted Birth Certificate for their son, and discovered they had named their son "Odd" in the midst of their inebriation. They rushed to undo this error, but it was too late. The records were complete, and the keepers stuck to the rules. Young Odd could not have this undone.

The boy had a mostly uneventful childhood and adolesence. His friends and neighbors gave him a hard time over his unusual name, of course, and Odd came to hate it.

Odd eventually married, and had children of his own. And when it came to pass that he lay on his deathbed, he was surrounded by loving friends and family. The question of what he wished to be written on his tombstone was put to him. He replied, "The day I came, and the day I left, nothing more. I've been the focus of mockery all my life, and I'll have none of it well after I am gone."

So Odd died, and his grave was made under the shadow of a Cherry tree he'd loved in life. A simple stone, with two dates, and bare stone, nothing more. To this day, as people stroll about in the shade of the maples, people invariably find themselves drawn to the lone cherry tree, and read the bare numbers on his stone, and ponder the lack of a name. And they say to themselves...

"Hrm. That's odd."

Kaptain K
2008-Mar-05, 02:54 PM
Hi,

In some circles this is a famous poem:

Johnny was a chemist.
He was , but he ain't no more.

"cause what he thought was H2O

Was H 2 So 4 !

:D


Dan

The one I heard:

Little Willy was a chemist
Little Willy is no more
What he thought was H2O
Was really H2SO4

Here's another in a similar one in a similar vein:

A green little chemist
On a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
In a green way
Now, the green little flowers
all greenly wave
over the green little chemist's
Green little grave

SeanF
2008-Mar-05, 03:20 PM
The one I heard:

Little Willy was a chemist
Little Willy is no more
What he thought was H2O
Was really H2SO4

Here's another in a similar one in a similar vein:

A green little chemist
On a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
In a green way
Now, the green little flowers
all greenly wave
over the green little chemist's
Green little grave
"When Hydrogen Tech
Played Oxygen U,
The game had just begun
When Hydrogen racked up two quick points
While Oxygen still had none.
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain
At Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1
Called because of rain."
--Johnny Hart


I think I've posted this before.... :)

ravens_cry
2008-Mar-05, 08:52 PM
There was a man who would be hated and reviled every time he walked down the street. People would throw vegetables and bricks at him. His job in fact was to send unsolicited emails to people all over the world. Well, soon everyone in his town knew, and so he took his sail boat out past international waters, where he could send his emails without fear of retribution He used to come to town at night under cover of darkness every few weeks for groceries. Well, there was a big storm one week, and he didn't come into town, after two months, someone grudgingly decided to go look for the man. What the found was a grisly sight. All that was left of the boat was the mast. The man’s body was found lashed to it, but some rope was tight against his throat, it had crushed his windpipe, killing him. The doctor pronounced to the towns’ people that the man was one....
"Spar strangled spammer.":dance:

KaiYeves
2008-Mar-05, 11:47 PM
"Arrest that kid and her Brachiosaurus!"
What I thought was the world's best taunt at age six:
"Oh yeah? Well, where are you going to find a cage big enough to put a Brachiosaurus in?"

HenrikOlsen
2008-Mar-06, 08:39 PM
Why do elephants in the jungle paint their balls red?




So that they can hide, up in the branches of cherry trees.

---------------------------------
What causes the loudest noise in the jungle?



Giraffe eating cherries.
Why do elephants have red eyes?


So that they can hide, up in the branches of cherry trees.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know how many elephants are in a cherry tree?


Count the red things, subtract the cherries and divide by two.
--------------------------------------------------------
How does the elephants get out of the cherry trees?


They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.
-----------------------------------------
Why is the forest dangerous in the autumn?


Falling elephants.


replace the last ----- with other people telling a couple of jokes so they forget about the elephants.

Sean Clayden
2008-Mar-06, 09:07 PM
I think my wife is dead..........How do you know............Well the sex is the same but the ironing is piling up..................

KaiYeves
2008-Mar-06, 10:35 PM
We used to have Bring Your Dinosaur to School Day in October at my school, but in '98 some kid brought a T-Rex that had been underfed and, well...
There were only five kids in the '99 graduating class.

KaiYeves
2008-Mar-12, 12:07 AM
Do you know why the astronauts were told never to put Dextre inside Kibo?
Because he'd say "Get out of my laboratory!"

closetgeek
2008-Mar-12, 02:11 PM
After bringing her very sick husband to the emergency room, the doctor pulls the wife aside to talk with her alone. "Your husband is very sick, mam, but he can survive as long as you are willing to take care of him."
"Just tell me what I have to do," the wife says in tears.
"Your husband cannot exert any energy. he has to be fed, bathed, comforted, he can't even change his own socks."
When the wife returns to her husband he asked her what the doctor said, to which she replied, "Oh honey I am sorry, you are dying."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men and a woman were applying for jobs at the CIA. They were each put in a room with their spouses and a gun and told that as a test of loyalty, they had to shoot their spouse. The first man couldn't even pick up the gun. The second man put his hand on the gun but then decided he couldn't do it. The third man picked up the gun, then broke down crying, as he couldn't do it either. As the training officers waited outside the room with the woman they heard her curse, followed by loud crashing and screaming. When she came out of the room they asked her what the noise was all about. She replied, "Well, I pulled the trigger but apparently the gun wasn't loaded so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

chrissy
2008-Mar-13, 08:22 PM
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick." Somebody has stolen your car". Mick says "did you see who did it"? Paddy says "No but I got the registration number"! :)

KaiYeves
2008-Mar-14, 12:16 AM
What's big, lives on Utapau, and wears a jetpack?
Boga Fett!

Noclevername
2008-Mar-14, 05:50 AM
What's big, lives on Utapau, and wears a jetpack?
Boga Fett!

...Okay, I had to google "Utapau" to get that one. I thought it was a Hawaiian name.

EndeavorRX7
2008-Mar-14, 06:00 AM
What did the male mushroom tell the female mushroom?

Don't worry I'm a fungi

(fun guy)

Kaptain K
2008-Mar-14, 09:11 AM
Never explain a joke! :(

EndeavorRX7
2008-Mar-14, 09:36 AM
I didn't want to, but I only did because I've heard people before pronounce incorrectly as 'fun-ge'. I also don't see what the great disappoint is in me doing so. Did you like it?

Kaptain K
2008-Mar-14, 10:00 AM
Well, considering it was the 986th time I heard it, not including the times I told it . . .