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View Full Version : Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding



BISMARCK
2008-Oct-02, 07:58 PM
I love the Onion. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30420)


...The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

Fazor
2008-Oct-02, 08:26 PM
haha, priceless. Too bad I'm plagued by an over-visualizing imagination--I won't be able to get the image of colliding monkies out of my head now.

On the plus side, if I ever start a band I now have a name for it. Colliding Monkies.

PraedSt
2008-Oct-02, 08:29 PM
Lol

I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.

Fazor
2008-Oct-02, 08:32 PM
Lol

I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.

Now is that 100 monkies a day ... 50 collisions.
Or is it 100 collisions a day ... 200 monkeys?

'Caus one could reveal the Higgs, the other amount might open a portal to that awful planet of the apes.

Wait ... Statue of Liberty? ... It was us! ... you MONSTERS! YOU BLEW IT UP! etc etc. (sorry been a while since I've seen it).

mike alexander
2008-Oct-02, 08:39 PM
So what? We were talking about Meatball Colliders, Llama Colliders, Head Colliders weeks ago.

PraedSt
2008-Oct-02, 08:40 PM
Now is that 100 monkies a day ... 50 collisions.
Or is it 100 collisions a day ... 200 monkeys?

Hehe.

I wonder if different species would give you different particles?

ps. Bismarck, thanks for the link. The funniest thing I've read in a long time.

PraedSt
2008-Oct-02, 08:41 PM
So what? We were talking about Meatball Colliders, Llama Colliders, Head Colliders weeks ago.

Ah. Sorry then. Hadn't joined is my excuse!

mike alexander
2008-Oct-02, 08:47 PM
Ah. Sorry then. Hadn't joined is my excuse!

Meant jokingly.

I get all my news from The Onion.

Swift
2008-Oct-02, 09:09 PM
I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.
I think if you collided 100 monkeys a day for 100 days, you'd eventually produce all the plays of William Shakespeare.

Larry Jacks
2008-Oct-02, 09:20 PM
What a terrible waste of monkeys! They should use lawyers* instead. We have over a million lawyers in the US. There's little danger of running out anytime soon and I doubt even PETA would complain very much.

*My daughter-in-law excepted, of course.

Nicolas
2008-Oct-02, 09:28 PM
Lol

I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.

That would be the Higgs baboon.

Though this result would be challenged by the scientific community, given that the baboon is an ape and not a monkey. Oh great mysteries of the Universe...

PraedSt
2008-Oct-02, 09:34 PM
*My daughter-in-law excepted, of course.

Lol

Everyone has something too precious to put in a collider.

But what would lawyers produce? Pro bono contracts? Buried very deep within them somewhere...

Swift
2008-Oct-02, 09:35 PM
What a terrible waste of monkeys! They should use lawyers* instead.
We already have a Super Lawyer Collider.... its called "Congress". But generally, it doesn't produce anything.

<rimshot>
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Warren Platts
2008-Oct-02, 09:58 PM
Well, CERN already has a mosquito collider. . . .

Trebuchet
2008-Oct-02, 10:11 PM
The Zen version... What is the sound of one monkey colliding?

Demigrog
2008-Oct-02, 10:12 PM
Lol

I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.

Heh, if you collided two monkeys at close to the speed of light, I suspect you'd get a lot of Higgs bosons.

Just back of the envelope:
Proton: 1.67262158 10-27 kilograms
Monkey: Say, about 50kg
Energy of one proton-proton collision at the LHC: 7 TeV
Monkey-Monkey collision energy = 7TeV * (50kg / 1.6726x10^-27 kg) * (1.602*10^-7 J/TeV) = 3.3x10^22 J

So, assuming energy scales linearly all the way up to the mass of a monkey (probably a bad assumption), colliding two monkeys at the same velocity as the LHC collides protons should be around 8,000,000 megatons. Nowhere near enough to overcome the gravitational binding energy of the Earth (2.2x10^32J according to Wikipedia), but it might melt Earth into a ball of molten rock.

Nicolas
2008-Oct-02, 10:21 PM
The Zen version... What is the sound of one monkey colliding?



........wwwwwwwWWWWWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee ........

:D

PraedSt
2008-Oct-02, 10:23 PM
but it might melt Earth into a ball of molten rock.

Finally, an explanation for the Lunar Maria. An ancient civilisation colliding-monkey experiment gone wrong!

Great calculation. But you're right; getting monkeys up to the same velocities might be a problem.

BISMARCK
2008-Oct-03, 02:00 AM
50kg monkeys? Those are a some big monkeys!

Salty
2008-Oct-03, 02:23 AM
This was too esotoric for my sense of humor. I still think CERN could get the same results cheaper, by colliding small hadrons. I like slapstick and corny humor, more. heh heh

However, to return to OP, it would be safer to apply the same principle to monkeys as to small hadrons. Collide small monkeys (say 2 or 3 Kg), would yeild similar results without overheating reducing our planet to molten slag.

Demigrog
2008-Oct-03, 03:06 PM
50kg monkeys? Those are a some big monkeys!

Yep, probably a Mandrill or some other baboon. I mean, really--if you're smashing monkeys together at close to the speed of light, are you going to use some puny Squirrel Monkey? :)

mike alexander
2008-Oct-03, 03:52 PM
Results from the initial tests of the Large Vice Presidential Candidate Collider are now in.

They missed.

Tobin Dax
2008-Oct-04, 06:31 PM
Yep, probably a Mandrill or some other baboon. I mean, really--if you're smashing monkeys together at close to the speed of light, are you going to use some puny Squirrel Monkey? :)

Russian scientists would use Squirrel Monkeys. They would collide them with Moose Monkeys. And the Squirrel Monkeys would take less energy to accelerate since they can fly on their own.

:whistle:

BigDon
2008-Oct-04, 08:40 PM
And of course the weird part is, if you could do this and gave the science community enough time to prepare the proper observers, you could learn a whole bunch from colliding two monkeys together at near light speeds. Though I would recommend using a Lunar facility and remote sensors.

kleindoofy
2008-Oct-04, 09:40 PM
Russian scientists would use Squirrel Monkeys. ...
Which raises the question, what would Creationists use? Adam and Eve? Or maybe clumps of clay? ;) And they only get seven days to finish the experiment; actually only six: they have to take the seventh day off.

KaiYeves
2008-Oct-04, 11:25 PM
Imperial scientists would use captured Rebels.

mahesh
2008-Oct-04, 11:40 PM
I love the Onion
I too love the onion. So much. It makes me cry.

mahesh
2008-Oct-05, 12:42 AM
Talking of Monkey Business:

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3581253888/tt0022158

I'd appreciate, if some one could guide me in creating a new thread, please.
I've created a few threads before, but can't seem to go about it the right way just now. Something obvious/simple, I'm not doing.

Want to share something, some BAUTers may be interested in.

many thanks

Tobin Dax
2008-Oct-05, 04:09 AM
Which raises the question, what would Creationists use? Adam and Eve? Or maybe clumps of clay? ;) And they only get seven days to finish the experiment; actually only six: they have to take the seventh day off.

Did I actually need to use the phrase "Moose and Squirrel"? :shifty:

Ronald Brak
2008-Oct-05, 04:26 AM
As long as funding is continued for the Large Dragon Collider, I'm happy. This will enable us to continue in our quest for the Higgs boson. Or rather, Bosun Higgs, swallowed by a dragon some eight years ago now. We hope that his magic ring of Find Air in a Vacuum will have kept him alive all this time. And colliding dragons will allow us to discover what the fundamental composition of dragons is. After all this time we will finally learn if the "red gore" theory is correct.

PraedSt
2008-Oct-05, 01:35 PM
Why do I like this thread so much?

A funny paragraph, in an article full of them:


Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.Also:



I'd appreciate, if some one could guide me in creating a new thread, please

I can advise you what not to do. Don't mention the word 'cannabis'.

mike alexander
2008-Oct-05, 03:10 PM
You mean the Teravolt Hadron Collider (THC)? It already thinks it's on the moon, man.

Got any more brownies?

PraedSt
2008-Oct-05, 03:23 PM
Oh nooooo.. This thread is doomed. :)

mahesh
2008-Oct-05, 06:18 PM
:wall: sorry to have bothered you guys and gals....
you wouldn't believe it...but last night i couldn't see the 'new thread' button, on the top left of folders. kept going to the main page and my user cp.

i [B]was[B] tired. i knew it was something simple. and there it is, in the subfolders staring at me in my face! ha! i feel like a jerk.

i'll put one together soon, as i had intended last night, as soon as i am able to shake this feeling stupid and a bit of motivation.

KaiYeves
2008-Oct-05, 07:09 PM
Got any more brownies?
Cameras or baked goods?

mahesh
2008-Oct-05, 07:24 PM
:D cameras!

nice one, KaiYeves!

tbm
2008-Oct-06, 02:18 AM
Lol

I think that if you collided 100 monkeys a day, for 100 days straight, you'd eventually see the Higgs boson.

If you went on the S.S. Higgs, you might run into the bosun...........



tbm

John Mendenhall
2008-Oct-06, 05:13 PM
So, assuming energy scales linearly all the way up to the mass of a monkey (probably a bad assumption), colliding two monkeys at the same velocity as the LHC collides protons should be around 8,000,000 megatons.



The funding was lost for fear of a woman eventually being President. If she had an LMC, she could say "Don't make me release my flying monkeys!"

Swift
2008-Oct-06, 05:21 PM
The funding was lost for fear of a woman eventually being President. If she had an LMC, she could say "Don't make me release my flying monkeys!"
I'll get you for comments like that, my pretty... and your little dog too!

The Backroad Astronomer
2008-Oct-06, 05:27 PM
The Zen version... What is the sound of one monkey colliding?
Another question if two monkeys collide and no one is there to hear it do they make a sound?

NEOWatcher
2008-Oct-06, 05:28 PM
I'll get you for comments like that, my pretty... and your little dog too!
Typo.. That's Toto. :lol:

Trebuchet
2008-Oct-06, 06:28 PM
How interesting that at this moment this thread is right next to the "fear of research funding cuts" one!

kleindoofy
2008-Oct-06, 07:11 PM
... flying monkeys
Many years ago I had a screen saver with flying toasters. Hmmm, I wonder ... ;)