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Buttercup
2009-Jan-03, 07:20 PM
Probably a strange topic, and to make a long story really short: Last year 2 long-term friends seriously disappointed me. That's life, right? Happens to everyone. But it was all very unexpected and occurred back-to-back. One of these "friends" acted maliciously and deliberately.

I've experienced cycles of depression since, despite trying to let time heal and not indulging memories or wounds.

My question is: Are the continuing depressive feelings due to my not having forgiven these 2 people [I thought I had forgiven them]...or is it lingering disappointment?

I'm sure most everyone here can relate...your thoughts please?

I'll read every reply post.

pzkpfw
2009-Jan-03, 08:38 PM
I think you missed a third possibility - the continuing worry or self-doubt that maybe you caused or deserved what they did.

I am not saying you did! ...just saying that the worry that you might have would be another cause in your list.

Sorry, but I can't actually help; I have the EQ of a sack of potatoes. I agonise for years over throw away (well meant) comments I've made to people I'll never see again; and I've only recently got over some lingering dissappointments from childhood.

I do know it's easier for people to say "get over it" than it is to actually do it; and it can be hard making new friends (once you are an adult out of the school-yard) - so replacement friends are not easy to get, either.

Just spend good time with your remaining friends; have fun.

Best wishes.

Ara Pacis
2009-Jan-03, 09:18 PM
Maybe you should talk to a professional. It's hard to say without knowing the particulars and that might be better shared in another manner.

Depression generally only lasts 2 weeks. Longer periods of persistent sadness may be something else, such as the related condition of dysthymia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia). Since such conditions are chronic and it can be hard to pinpoint a beginning, it may be difficult to determine if the events you mention are the cause of your sadness or the result of actions stemming from that condition or merely coincidental.

chrissy
2009-Jan-03, 09:30 PM
Your probably wondering what "you" have done wrong, to make those two friends fall out with you.
Don't let it worry you too much Buttercup, if they were any kind of friends they would of told you the reason why. If you had meant as much to them, they wouldn't have done that. (Since I know a bit about the situation already from what you have told me) You have had a lucky escape.
Forgiveness only works for those who want to be forgiven and for those who truely want to forgive.

Like pzkpfw says, spend more time with your true friends and give it time to recover from the shock of losing the other two. :)

cosmocrazy
2009-Jan-03, 09:30 PM
Well Buttercup i don't know the details but i can empathise with how you feel. I have suffered depression myself and had numerous types of medication for it. I think its the feeling of self worthlessness what makes the pain linger on. I would recommend seeing a specialist. I had counselling and am not ashamed to say it. I was sceptical at first but found that it really did help me and change the way i viewed things.:)

danscope
2009-Jan-03, 09:46 PM
Probably a strange topic, and to make a long story really short: Last year 2 long-term friends seriously disappointed me. That's life, right? Happens to everyone. But it was all very unexpected and occurred back-to-back. One of these "friends" acted maliciously and deliberately.

I've experienced cycles of depression since, despite trying to let time heal and not indulging memories or wounds.

My question is: Are the continuing depressive feelings due to my not having forgiven these 2 people [I thought I had forgiven them]...or is it lingering disappointment?

I'm sure most everyone here can relate...your thoughts please?

I'll read every reply post.

**********************
The risk of having friends....close friends and relationships with people in general is that they are at times incongruent with what we initially read them to be. At times they don't measure up to be the people you think or thought they were. Also, you wonder if they have learned anything from the event which caused the doubt to begin with. If a person "grows" as one should after life experiences, and becomes a better person for it, then the
concept of forgiveness feels warranted. Someone who just behaves like a
social bulldozer, and indiscriminately hurts many around you and continues such behavior despite the counsel of many about them,does not qualify for that forgiveness. Love and respect are not bought. They are earned with time and experience and noted by the good works they do without return expectation. But...... 'If you only look for the bad in people...you shall surely find it.
Lead by example and perhaps you will find bretheren of like kind.
Best regards, Dan

Seeka
2009-Jan-03, 10:38 PM
Buttercup you poor thing!
You were clearly gutted to have two 'friends' behave like this. I reckon in my humble opinion your experiencing a bit of both - lingering disappointment mixed with trying to forgive. I have alot of friends but i have only a few that are worth their weight in gold. If they were to let me down badly im not sure I could forgive them, i would be upset especially if one of them intently acted maliciously. I would grieve the friendship but would move on from it and accept that im not responsible for their actions & i would take the view that they clearly were not a true friend to begin with and id concentrate on the mates i have left and appreciate them and know that i am better off.

My advice is to try your hardest to not to let them get you down especially so down that you get depressive spells. They're not worth it!

Having said all that if you feel you cant pull yrself out of any depressions then i would certainly seek the help of a councillor. Telling a stranger of your troubles can be so relieving, i do recommend it.

Best of luck :)

Euniculus
2009-Jan-03, 11:50 PM
I can certainly relate as a similar situation happened recently between a dear friend and myself.

In my case, forgiveness is not necessary as there's nothing to forgive, the situation is really what's to blame, not the person.

Sure, the feelings of disappointment and letdown are there, but I can't change anything. I just hope one day, things are better, as I really adore this person and don't want to lose them. For now, I just stay in the background and they can seek me out as they wish.

As far as depression is concerned, it can last longer than two weeks, it's not even considered clinically significant until at least two weeks have elasped (for a first time presentation).

Without knowing you, I can't say exactly why you're depressed, but losing two very close friends certainly can trigger it. I know my best friend has brought me both joy and heartache, sometimes at the same time. :wall:

Buttercup
2009-Jan-05, 09:31 PM
Dear Pzkpfw, Ara Pacis, Chrissy, Cosmocrazy, Danscope, Steffanie, Euniculus: Thank you very much for your kind and wise words; it's very much appreciated. :)

I likely will seek counselling. Perhaps it's simply being a bit older now and my resilience is somewhat worn. I'm beginning to develop a taste for brooding; that's not a good thing.

Thank you all sincerely again! My best to you all.

cosmocrazy
2009-Jan-05, 09:42 PM
Dear Pzkpfw, Ara Pacis, Chrissy, Cosmocrazy, Danscope, Steffanie, Euniculus: Thank you very much for your kind and wise words; it's very much appreciated. :)

I likely will seek counselling. Perhaps it's simply being a bit older now and my resilience is somewhat worn. I'm beginning to develop a taste for brooding; that's not a good thing.

Thank you all sincerely again! My best to you all.

You're welcome Buttercup,

Talking to others can help.
And anyway you have made some new friends here on BAUT now! who i'm sure would, along with myself offer a friendly chat and support anytime . :)

mahesh
2009-Jan-05, 10:07 PM
buttercup....i keep saying/thinking what a lovely username you've got there..
i am with cosmo on this one....i agree totally.

be strong buttercup. we are by your side and empathise with you.

danscope
2009-Jan-05, 10:27 PM
Dear Pzkpfw, Ara Pacis, Chrissy, Cosmocrazy, Danscope, Steffanie, Euniculus: Thank you very much for your kind and wise words; it's very much appreciated. :)

I likely will seek counselling. Perhaps it's simply being a bit older now and my resilience is somewhat worn. I'm beginning to develop a taste for brooding; that's not a good thing.

Thank you all sincerely again! My best to you all.

Hi Buttercup, You are amoung friends. I have a feeling you shall always be amoung friends.
Best regards, Dan

Ara Pacis
2009-Jan-05, 10:51 PM
Dear Pzkpfw, Ara Pacis, Chrissy, Cosmocrazy, Danscope, Steffanie, Euniculus: Thank you very much for your kind and wise words; it's very much appreciated. :)

I likely will seek counselling. Perhaps it's simply being a bit older now and my resilience is somewhat worn. I'm beginning to develop a taste for brooding; that's not a good thing.

Thank you all sincerely again! My best to you all.

Remember, seeking help isn't a capitulation, it's a process to resolution. After all, you may discover that you're normal and it's everyone else who's crazy. That's what happened to me. ;-)

Moose
2009-Jan-05, 10:55 PM
I'm beginning to develop a taste for brooding; that's not a good thing.

If you'll forgive the horrid pun, far better to be Buttercup than become a "Bittercup". Ara Pacis is right, counseling is reinforcement, not capitulation.

cosmocrazy
2009-Jan-05, 11:03 PM
After all, you may discover that you're normal and it's everyone else who's crazy. That's what happened to me. ;-)

I like that one! :) it happened to me to! :lol:

gzhpcu
2009-Jan-06, 02:50 AM
Buttercup,
Are you still in contact with your two friends? Did the one that acted maliciously show any remorse? If not, be aware that unfortunately this will happen in life. It is not you.

Without knowing any of the details, it would seem to me that they showed their true colors, and you should be glad to know that they were not worthy of friendship with you.

If it still remains a problem with, try counseling as recommended. But, before doing that, have you discussed what happened with any of your other close friends?

Life is too short and beautiful to spend any time brooding. Count your blessings (and I am sure you have many) and let the sunshine return to your life...

Whirlpool
2009-Jan-06, 04:42 AM
You said it meaningfully gzhpcu.

Buttercup , Don't look at the glass half empty .
Divert you attention on the positive side of life . You might want to reconnect with your other friends , new and old .

Life is precious and so are you . Don't waste it .

;)

Buttercup
2009-Jan-06, 04:25 PM
Thank you Moose, Gzhpcu, Whirlpool. :)


Buttercup,
Are you still in contact with your two friends?

I tried maintaining low-key and intermittent contact with J [local/real-life] for a while. J's supposed sentiment is I'm free to phone/write anytime, but J rarely reciprocated and never took the initiative. The onus was apparently to be on me. :rolleyes: We know friendship doesn't work that way; the other person must be willing to meet halfway. It can't be 1 person's effort.


Did the one that acted maliciously show any remorse?

No, none whatsoever after 2-1/2 months. And M abruptly ended the friendship on a PROBABLY basis; wanting to leave me hanging, wondering if there will be a return and resumption of friendship (playing a game). M's attitude was absolutely senseless, considering it was online and 1700 miles apart with no chance (nor plans) of ever meeting in person. We'd been online friends 4-1/2 years. M was, I'm fairly sure, motived by someone in M's real-life locality; senseless.


Without knowing any of the details, it would seem to me that they showed their true colors, and you should be glad to know that they were not worthy of friendship with you.

Yes. :( I will continue working on forgiving both (it is difficult), and will not contact J anymore. I also won't allow M to play games.


If it still remains a problem with, try counseling as recommended. But, before doing that, have you discussed what happened with any of your other close friends?

Yes, somewhat. But I think I need to hash it all out with a pro.


Life is too short and beautiful to spend any time brooding. Count your blessings (and I am sure you have many) and let the sunshine return to your life...

Thank you all. :)

gzhpcu
2009-Jan-06, 05:30 PM
No, none whatsoever after 2-1/2 months. And M abruptly ended the friendship on a PROBABLY basis; wanting to leave me hanging, wondering if there will be a return and resumption of friendship (playing a game). M's attitude was absolutely senseless, considering it was online and 1700 miles apart with no chance (nor plans) of ever meeting in person. We'd been online friends 4-1/2 years. M was, I'm fairly sure, motived by someone in M's real-life locality; senseless.
:)
Buttercup,
Be wary of internet "friendships" (without ever having physically met the person). Things may not at all be what they seem. I would not recommend any emotional involvement with such a friendship.

Seeka
2009-Jan-06, 06:30 PM
Buttercup the internet friendship thing can be so dodgy! As was already stated, all that glistens is not gold, and for some reason when you loose a net friendship it hurts like hell, i have been there, and like you there was no chance of meeting up but when it ended it took light years for me to get over it!
But you do reach the other end of the tunnel and you will feel better soon if you stay positive :) You'll get there girl just be patient with yrself and time heals everything.

Best wishes

Steff.

Ara Pacis
2009-Jan-06, 06:35 PM
It might also help to dig into some new project with lots of new friends to meet in order to forget the past friends. Volunteer to help out at some local function. You'll feel better because you helpe others feel better and helped others help others to feel better. As they say, enthusiasm is infectious.