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Jpax2003
2003-Dec-05, 11:50 AM
Another "news" article... enjoy


NANCI Leaders Respond with New Claims

JPAX Wired
December 5, 2003

Washington —Leaders of the Northern Axis for No Christmas International (NANCI) today leveled new charges at the Strategic Alliance for Nocturnal Treasures Augmentation (SANTA). The accusations revolve around product safety and food contamination at the Production Location and Access Node for Educational Toys Experimental Facility (PLANET X) at SANTA’s SuPol operations complex.

NANCI documents claim that the True Science™ brand Geo-Magnetix & Tectonix Combo Globe Motion Model has contributed to the deaths of many people because of improper electrical grounding. Reports suggest that the educational toy would go “haywire” when used in the vicinity of a PLANET X made Junior Series electromagnet. This allegedly resulted in the globe flipping over and tectonix plates moving erratically giving anyone who was in contact with the globe a deadly shock.

SANTA and PLANET X officials were quick to investigate this claim. However, all tests came back negative. “No consumers have reported troubles, injuries or even deaths with this device.” NANCI did not allow SANTA technicians to evaluate the globe predicting they would “cover up the evidence of shoddy workmanship.” Technicians did observe photographs of the model and concluded that it had safety bolts removed and other evident tampering. A SANTA product safety release indicated the problem was that “the globe only appears to exhibit this behavior because NANCI Leaders have a screw loose.”

NANCI also accused SANTA of contamination in their Signature Santa™ chocolate holiday treats. They claim an inside source witnessed a tragic accident due to safety violations during the much celebrated “Farewell Donder” party. However, reports that a worker fatally fell into a chocolate vat have been unconfirmed. The name reported was the same as a Packer -First Class, [name withheld], who suffered minor injuries last week in an unrelated offsite accident but is otherwise alive and in good health.

SANTA officials did report that workers accidentally mixed mini Cannon-Ball™ malted milk balls into the batch. “It was a happy serendipity,” said Iggy, the Chief Confectioner, “we made a special treat this year entirely by accident: Sweet with a ‘litta, bitta’ crunch. People love it!” He continued, “I’m gonna call it Iggy’s Special Mix.”

After the SANTA announcement NANCI Leaders reported no objections to the Cannon-Ball: ISM. This comes a few years after NANCI issued similar accusations against a different confectioner’s Salty Chocolate Balls.

JP Staff writer

©2000 J Pax

Jpax2003
2003-Dec-10, 03:59 AM
no comments?

:(

Earthbound
2003-Dec-10, 04:06 AM
Very cool. I think some folks probably aren't sure what they're seeing. Of course it is the holidays. Maybe everybody is out shopping.

Charlie in Dayton
2003-Dec-10, 09:53 AM
Jpax, you need to get together with WolfKC -- these news releases need some 'official press service photographic illustrations'. After that, they need a website...something like UnGodLy Productions, or its ilk...yeah, that's the ticket... :o

gethen
2003-Dec-10, 01:29 PM
Jpax, I think these little news releases are hilarious. Probably way over the heads of the the PXers though. Charlie is right. You and WolfKC could do some major damage in the setup.

Dr_Von_Loon
2003-Dec-11, 04:46 PM
Jpax, when I get my new website going, The Furby Spacefleet Academy
going, please tell me you'll do the press releases!! :lol: :D

This stuff is so funny!! 8) :D

Sigma_Orionis
2003-Dec-11, 06:34 PM
Hmmmmm I think Jpax could write the "Special News" section of Saturday Night Live! :lol:

Jpax2003
2003-Dec-12, 06:31 AM
Thanks everyone! I never thought of writing comedy before. It's been a while since I did any illustrating, not sure I'm up to it. A collaboration sounds good.

Maybe I should preface the titles with "JPax Wired: NANCI Leaders Respond with New Claims"

Only now I'm starting to run out of interesting things to write about Planet X. I may have to start picking on other people. :evil:

Sigma_Orionis
2003-Dec-12, 01:11 PM
Well, here is an idea, the Moon Hoax believers :)

Tensor
2003-Dec-12, 03:22 PM
Only now I'm starting to run out of interesting things to write about Planet X. I may have to start picking on other people. :evil:

Just look over the board. I'm sure there are plenty of names and woo-woo ideas you can use. Great stuff BTW.

Blaze
2003-Dec-13, 12:21 AM
Am sure you can get alot of play out of Mark Hazelwood in your clever news release.

And let's admit, he's just as bad as she .....maybe more, due to actually writing and selling Blindsided.

Need help? Let me know.......love to poke fun at the expense of others!