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Thread: When you just *have* to make a joke

  1. #421
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    Not really a good joke, but I had a memory triggered by a statement in another thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by PetersCreek View Post
    I find most consumer grade coffee grinders to be just awful.
    Back in high school, my friend got his hands on a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook. He was determined to make napalm but realized the hazards were just too many. What he did end up making were these epic smoke bombs. They would throw out a mini-mushroom cloud 30 feet wide and twice as tall that lasted a good long time.

    I asked him how he did it and he showed me a double walled cardboard tube. I shrugged in ignorance. Apparently he was crushing up Estes model rocket engines and putting the powder into the tubes. I tried it and it simply didn't work. Then he revealed his secret. He brought me in to his mom's kitchen and pulled out a coffee grinder.

    I got out the words, "Are you..."

    And he got out the words, "Yes! I..."

    Then there was this titanic FPHHHHPPPPTTTTT! noise as the grinder's motor sparked and ignited lord knows how many crushed model rockets. I stumbled down the kitchen stairs and out the door, totally blinded by the smoke and the tears. He came out a window on the other side of the house because it was the only exit he could find.

    I spent about 30 minutes muttering a phrase nothing like, "Holy cow!"

    Now here is the punchline. The only other person at home was his brother. He shoved towels under the crack of his door and opened all of the windows to smoke something in his bedroom. From about a block away we watched the fire department and police roll up. They took his brother out of the house like a sack of potatoes. He looked a little glassy eye and confused. And who wouldn't be after that?
    Last edited by Solfe; 2021-Jun-29 at 05:34 AM.
    Solfe

  2. #422
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    Quote Originally Posted by Solfe View Post
    Back in high school, my friend got his hands on a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook.
    I always wanted to get a copy of that for myself (purely for reading purposes).

    In college I was the president of the American Chemical Society student affiliate and we used to do chemistry magic shows for the high school student open house days the school had. They mostly involved explosions (little ones of course). We did make some interesting things (nitrogen triiodide for one - kids, don't try this at home)

    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  3. #423
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    I always wanted to get a copy of that for myself (purely for reading purposes).

    In college I was the president of the American Chemical Society student affiliate and we used to do chemistry magic shows for the high school student open house days the school had. They mostly involved explosions (little ones of course). We did make some interesting things (nitrogen triiodide for one - kids, don't try this at home)


    Pre-internet, I saw my friends copy and it was load with really horrible ideas. So much so, I wasn't really interested. Superman and Daredevil comics seemed to be more relatable ideas. When a teenager looks at something and says "nope!" or "that doesn't seem workable..." you have a load of crud.

    Post internet, all of the purported copies I've seen don't look anything like the book I saw.
    Solfe

  4. #424
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    Quote Originally Posted by Solfe View Post
    Now here is the punchline. The only other person at home was his brother. He shoved towels under the crack of his door and opened all of the windows to smoke something in his bedroom. From about a block away we watched the fire department and police roll up. They took his brother out of the house like a sack of potatoes. He looked a little glassy eye and confused. And who wouldn't be after that?
    All of you were non-trivially lucky to make it.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  5. #425
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    All of you were non-trivially lucky to make it.
    I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. I often joke my parents gave me up to survive.

    One time, I saw a Mr. Wizard show where he took a glass bottle and poured some gasoline in it to show how the flame burns low over the liquid. Wanting to try it myself, I got a quart bottle and filled it charcoal lighter fluid. It made this sound like an angry train whistle and white hot smoke rocketed out of the mouth of the bottle. My parents realized that something was wrong when I showed up to dinner with a baseball hat on and struggled to eat right handed. I had removed most of my hair, all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I also couldn't move two fingers and I had a lot of horrible blisters everywhere else.

    It could have been worse. Much worse.

    Edit - This was about 4-5 years before the smoke bomb incident, which is why I personally found it so traumatic.
    Solfe

  6. #426
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    I can't find a Youtube video of this particular Mr. Wizard experiment. It must be too dangerous. But here is a scene where Mr Wizard makes an ice bomb, with alcohol, dry ice and the aforementioned ice bomb.
    Solfe

  7. #427
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    "Cleaning out the vacuum"

    I don't know about anyone else's corner of the universe, but ours is mostly filled with cat fur.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  8. #428
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    "Cleaning out the vacuum"

    I don't know about anyone else's corner of the universe, but ours is mostly filled with cat fur.
    Same here. It's amazing there's any hair left on them.
    Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

  9. #429
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    "Cleaning out the vacuum"

    I don't know about anyone else's corner of the universe, but ours is mostly filled with cat fur.
    The pun was intentional. You're welcome.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  10. #430
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    If sound doesn't travel in a vacuum ... how come vacuum cleaners are so noisy?

  11. #431
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonM435 View Post
    If sound doesn't travel in a vacuum ... how come vacuum cleaners are so noisy?
    The rule doesn't say anything about sound outside the vacuum! Stick your head in one and you won't hear a thing.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  12. #432
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    We did make some interesting things (nitrogen triiodide for one - kids, don't try this at home)
    I finally did this as a grown up with my son for "Genius Day" at school. It went really well, actually. I'd always wanted to try it when I was younger, but although I could find detailed descriptions of how to make it, and the ingredients weren't that tricky to get, I had always been unable to find anyone describing just how big of an explosion it would make for a given amount, and that made me too nervous to try it. Today, of course, it's trivial to find video demonstrations on the Net, so it was easy to figure out how much to use to make a satisfying bang, but without any serious risk of damage.
    Conserve energy. Commute with the Hamiltonian.

  13. #433
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    The rule doesn't say anything about sound outside the vacuum! Stick your head in one and you won't hear a thing.
    The illogic was intentional.

  14. #434
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonM435 View Post
    The illogic was intentional.
    I think he was jokingly implying that if you stuck your head into a vacuum you'd get ripped up by the fan and wouldn't hear anything since you'd be dead.

    I suspect this depends on exactly where inside the vacuum you put your head!
    As above, so below

  15. #435
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonM435 View Post
    The illogic was intentional.
    Yes, that was the joke.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  16. #436
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    Yes, that was the joke.
    I got a chance to paraphrase you!
    Thanks. I'm welcome.

    Mustn't forget this.

  17. #437
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonM435 View Post
    I got a chance to paraphrase you!
    Thanks. I'm welcome.

    Mustn't forget this.
    Do you even need me to contribute at this point?
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  18. #438
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    No. I just figured that within "have to make a joke" statements are jokey by default. I didn't mean to confuse matters with bad physics.


    (Edit: Let me add that I was guilty of over-reaction.)
    Last edited by DonM435; 2021-Jul-07 at 06:45 PM.

  19. #439
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonM435 View Post
    No. I just figured that within "have to make a joke" statements are jokey by default. I didn't mean to confuse matters with bad physics.


    (Edit: Let me add that I was guilty of over-reaction.)
    No problem.
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  20. #440
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    After all these years, when I log in here and see a new post in the thread "Suspended/banned posters log", I always have to check to make sure it isn't me.

    (moved from here)

  21. #441
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gigabyte View Post
    After all these years, when I log in here and see a new post in the thread "Suspended/banned posters log", I always have to check to make sure it isn't me.

    (moved from here)
    Sort of like the old joke about checking the obituaries in the newspaper, first thing in the morning, and if my name isn't in there, I get on with the rest of my day.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  22. #442
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    Sort of like the old joke about checking the obituaries in the newspaper, first thing in the morning, and if my name isn't in there, I get on with the rest of my day.
    “I assure you, my boy, this obituary will be on the front page.”
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
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    And our destiny begins with you and me
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    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

  23. #443
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    I'm always sure I haven't been banned; I'm to darn boring for that to happen.
    You never know about the other, of course. What if this IS the afterlife?
    Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

  24. #444
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trebuchet View Post
    I'm always sure I haven't been banned; I'm to darn boring for that to happen.
    You never know about the other, of course. What if this IS the afterlife?
    For a while “We all did die in 2012, this is hell” was a popular response to bad news on certain social media sites.
    The greatest journey of all time, for all to see
    Every mission makes our dreams reality
    And our destiny begins with you and me
    Through all space and time, the achievement of mankind
    As we sail the sea of discovery, on heroes’ wings we fly!

  25. #445
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trebuchet View Post
    What if this IS the afterlife?
    Quote Originally Posted by KaiYeves View Post
    “We all did die in 2012, this is hell”
    There's too much fun and love to be hell, too much abject horror to be heaven. Purgatory? Elysian Fields?
    "I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright

  26. #446
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    "This IS the bad place"

  27. #447
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    Pretty quiet around here today.... maybe TOO quiet! <dramatic musical DUM, DUM, DUM>
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  28. #448
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    When I see the "Protection Island" thread title, I'm reminded of various TV programs, like "Fantasy Island" and I think there is now a realty TV show called "Love Island" (some sort of match making show I'd guess).

    I'm trying to imagine what would be the theme of "Protection Island" the TV show. Do you get to play a gangster and offer other contestants "protection"? Is it a program about safe sex practices?
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  29. #449
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    Build a fort on it to defend against the Spanish invaders! Which is pretty much what George Vancouver had in mind when he named it.
    Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

  30. #450
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gigabyte View Post
    After all these years, when I log in here and see a new post in the thread "Suspended/banned posters log", I always have to check to make sure it isn't me.

    (moved from here)
    So has it ever been?

    Quote Originally Posted by Swift View Post
    I'm trying to imagine what would be the theme of "Protection Island" the TV show. Do you get to play a gangster and offer other contestants "protection"?
    And also, what happens to people who don't watch the show?

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