I assume that was on an episode of either Fixer Upper or Bar Rescue.Originally Posted by Noclevername
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I assume that was on an episode of either Fixer Upper or Bar Rescue.
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A dyslexic walks into a bra.
"Pardon me, ma'am" he says. Still gets slapped, though, and rightly so.
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
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Last edited by Roger E. Moore; 2019-May-14 at 02:08 PM.
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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a frayed knot walks into a bar with a talking dog. The bartender says "is this some kind of joke?"
sicut vis videre esto
When we realize that patterns don't exist in the universe, they are a template that we hold to the universe to make sense of it, it all makes a lot more sense.
Originally Posted by Ken G
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Why did the lion cross the clearing?
To get to the other pride.
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The astronomer Leo Anton Karl de Ball went into a bar and looked around. "Say," he said to the patrons, "anyone know of a tennis club where I can practice?"
"I run a tennis club," said one man.
"Well," said the bartender, "looks like de Ball's in your court."
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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Quasimodo, Pavlov, and Big Ben walked into a bar and introduced themselves. "Surely you've heard of us," said Quasimodo.
The bartender thought and shook his head. "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell."
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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A man walks into a bar with a herd of female aurochs.
"Hold it," said the bartender. "We don't serve your kine here."
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.
"Hold on," said the bartender, "I need to see some id."
"I need a drink RIGHT NOW!" screamed Freud.
"My bad," said the bartender, "I meant, I need to see some I.D."
"Oh, here you go," said Freud, handing over his driver's license.
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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A man walks into a bar. "Does anyone know anything about trepanning?" he calls out.
The bartender says, "Not off the top of my head."
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, and radon were involved in a car accident. The doctors described their condition as stable.
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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A contortionist went into a bar and demanded a free drink.
"Hey," said the bartender, "don't get bent out of shape."
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.
What's the punchline?
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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A boxer and a fisherman walk into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I have survived multiple plane crashes!
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"I deliver the punch," said the boxer, "and he delivers the line!"
"No one is laughing," said the bartender.
Do good work. —Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom
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A young man asked his girlfriend to the prom. She said yes, so he went to buy her a corsage. There was a line at the flower store, so he had to stand in the corsage line.
Then he went to rent a tuxedo, and had to stand in the tuxedo line.
Then he went to rent a limo, and had to stand in the limo line.
When they got to the prom, they had to wait outside in the entrance line.
After they had danced for a while and sat down, she said she was hungry, so he went to the buffet and stood in the buffet line.
He brought her the food, and she said she was thirsty. So, he went to the table with the punch bowl, but there was no punch line.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn
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A machine gunner walks into a B.A.R.
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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I just got it. Excellent
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The Bartender asks, "What is the punchline?"
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This may have been covered--but just in case
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another.
Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears in a puff of logic.
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Homer Simpson and his son walk into a bar and the Bart Ender opens fire on the kid.
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Bart Ender thinks motion is an illusion! So don't talk to me about Ender's Game with a kid, he's on Zeno' side.
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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Why did the irredeemable villain get kicked out of the US Marines?
Because he was rotten to the Corps.
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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What song did they play at Count Dracula's Comedy Central Roast?
On the Sunny Side of the Street
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An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor, and a scientist walk into a bar....
Just kidding.
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I can think of something that doesn't, but I don't want to bum you out. It's such a dark matter.Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
"I'm planning to live forever. So far, that's working perfectly." Steven Wright
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On the flip side, a photon bound exciton walked into a bar and only orders lite’
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Moderator
This fellow goes to visit his mom. When he gets there, she tells him "I was in the store the other day and they were having a sale on ties, so I got you a couple". She hands him the ties. "Thanks mom, they're very nice".
"Why don't you try them on?" So he goes into the bedroom (so he can check in the mirror) and comes out wearing one of the ties.
"Yeah, it looks real nice mom"
"What's a matter, you didn't like the other one?"
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact information and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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