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Thread: Jokes

  1. #331
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    A classic:

    A cowboy is sitting in a bar when a woman sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    "Well, Ma'am," he replied, "I work all day on a ranch, breaking horses, mending fences, herding cattle. I guess so."

    "I'm a lesbian," she said. "All I do all day is think about women."

    Just then a vacationing couple sat down at the next table. "Excuse me, sir. Are you really a cowboy?"

    "I thought so," he said, "But it turns out I'm a lesbian."

  2. #332
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    What do you say to a psychic who got 95% of his predictions right last year?
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    Rare medium! Well done!

  3. #333
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    How do you ask the author of Brighton Rock if he's got through Roger Zelazny's best-known series of fantasy novels?

    Read Amber, Greene?

  4. #334
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    A guy walks into a fancy restaurant and orders a glass of their best red wine.

    Snobby waiter snobbily informs the patron: "We will sell no wine before its time."

    Guy offers to pay double.

    Waiter replies cheerily: "Time's up!"

    -*-

    Charles Dickens, while suffering from writer's block, went into a pub. Said gloomily to the waiter: "I can't think of a new novel to write, to save my life!"

    Waiter: "What'll you have?"

    Dickens: "A martini."

    Waiter: "Olive or twist?"


  5. #335
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    Ayn Rand goes into a bar. The barman says, "What would you like?"

    Ayn Rand says, "I'm not really sure. I'm very fond of red wine, but I always find I get terrible writer's block whenever I drink it. Is there anything you'd recommend?"

    The barman says, "Red wine?"

  6. #336
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    Ayn Rand goes into a bar. The barman says, "What would you like?"

    Ayn Rand says, "I'm not really sure. I'm very fond of red wine, but I always find I get terrible writer's block whenever I drink it. Is there anything you'd recommend?"

    The barman says, "Red wine?"
    Teehee!

  7. #337
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    Ayn Rand goes into a bar. The barman says, "What would you like?"

    Ayn Rand says, "I'm not really sure. I'm very fond of red wine, but I always find I get terrible writer's block whenever I drink it. Is there anything you'd recommend?"

    The barman says, "Red wine?"


    George Lucas and in his writers were working on the first Star Wars movie. They were just about done, but they couldn't come up with a name for the old Jedi knight. Finally, after several hours of writers block, one of them suggests they take a break and check out the new Italian bakery next door. Well, the writers really get into it and are ordering all kinds of stuff. Finally, the waitress turns to Lucas, who is sitting there glum, and asks what he would like. He says "nothing". The rest of the writers are urging him to as least get something. Finally, Lucas goes, "OK, I'll get a cannoli, but only one cannoli." He then leaps to his feet and screams "That's it! Only-one-cannoli!"
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  8. #338
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    HSS (Homo sapien sapiens) make HSS (high speed steel).

  9. #339
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

    But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

    "My female android went to the Bahamas."

    "Jamaica?"

    "No, I bought her in Novatech."
    I got a couple.
    One day a lion and a cheetah were racing, the cheetah won, so the liion says "yo you a cheeta", so the lions like, "nah you lyin."

    Why aren't there any Best Buys in Afghanistan?
    Cuz there all Targets.

  10. #340
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    One day a lion and a cheetah were racing, the cheetah won, so the lion says "yo you a cheeta", so the cheetah is like, "nah you lyin."

    ftfy

  11. #341
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    Well done, Robinson, that extra "i" in "lion" really ruined the joke for me.

    Incidentally, I often ask my foreign-language students if they can give me the two words we use in England that have two "i"s.

    They are...

    ...to be stated in a later post.

  12. #342
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    Incidentally, I often ask my foreign-language students if they can give me the two words we use in England that have two "i"s.
    Head and pirates?
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  13. #343
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    Oops, I meant double-i.

    Skiing and Wii.

  14. #344
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    OK, but mine's funnier.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  15. #345
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    S'pose.

  16. #346
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    A guy goes into a bar and asks the barkeep for for three shots lined up. The bartender pours them and the fellow knocks them back, one-two-three.

    "Any special reason you drink like that?" he asks.

    "Yes. My two mates and I, after twenty years together banging around, all took positions in different countries. Since we never see each other anymore we agreed that on May 1st we would each go into a bar and drink a toast to the three of us." Then the fellow got up and left.

    A year later he walked back into the bar and sat down. The bartender remembered him and began setting up three glasses but the visitor stopped him. "Just two this year," he said.

    The bartender gave him a sad smile. "Sorry, fellow," he said and poured two, which the visitor knocked back.

    As he got up to leave he paused. "Oh, I just realized you may have gotten the wrong impression. No, both my mates are still in fine fettle."

    The bartender had a puzzled look. "Then why only two?"

    "Ah," the visitor said, "I converted to Mormonism this year, and we aren't allowed to drink."

  17. 2011-Mar-02, 08:57 AM
    Reason
    language

  18. #347
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    So I turned up at the school where I teach to find my classroom was full of wasps.

    My colleague told me hers was full of flies and the one across the corridor was full of beetles.

    So we went to tell the Principal. He said, "I don't see the problem, it's what you all requested at the last meeting. Look, it's here in the minutes."

    Then he looked a little more closely and said, "Ah. You wanted an inset day."

  19. #348
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    So a penguin goes into a bar and asks..." Have you seen my father? "

    The barman says..."I dunno, what does he look like ? "

  20. #349
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    An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to Hell. Being an engineer he began to work on the problems there and before long had introduced air conditioning, plumbing and a host of other conveniences.

    God heard about this and Called Satan. "I hear they sent an engineer down to you by mistake," He said.

    "Yeah," Satan replied, "And he's just great. By next month we should have Internet down here."

    "You send him up here RIGHT NOW!" God thundered.

    "And if I don't?" Satan asked, mockingly.

    "Then I'll... I'll SUE YOU!" God screamed.

    "And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

  21. #350
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    Quote Originally Posted by danscope View Post
    So a penguin goes into a bar and asks..." Have you seen my father? "

    The barman says..."I dunno, what does he look like ? "
    That reminds me of a time years ago, when I was at a mall and ran into a kid I played street ball with. He asks me, "Have you seen my dad?" His dad was a huge bald black man, NFL lineman size, that always stood out in a crowd.

    I looked at him and said deadpan, "What does he look like?"

  22. #351
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    " A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He says 'I'll have a beer ,...and one for the road .' "

  23. #352
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    A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

  24. #353
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    " Say....what do you mean by telling Mary that I am a fool? "

    " Oh dear, I'm very sorry. I didn't know it was a secret! "

  25. #354
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    Q:Why should you never invade a bottle of port?

    A:Because it is heavily fortified.

  26. #355
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    I'm feeling pretty proud today, I finished my jigsaw in just three days, on the box it said three to five years.

  27. #356
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    Winston Churchill , shortly after he'd left the conservative side of the house of commons ,for the Liberal ,found himself taking a certain young woman down to dinner, when she looked up at him coquettishly ,and remarked with the audacity of her kind : "There are two things I don't like about you,Mr Churchill."
    "And what are they ? "
    " Your new politics and mustache . "
    " My dear madam," he replied suavely , "Pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come in contact with either . "

  28. #357
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    A lady asked.." Say, what is that peculiar odor from that field?"

    The Farmer replied...." That's fertilizer. "

    Lady......" Oh for the land's sake ."

    Farmer: " Yes, lady ."

  29. #358
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    You must have heard about the new reality show about the comic Catholic priest that has been packing the church with people to hear his joke filled sermons, No?



    They're called it what else. "Mass Hysteria"

  30. #359
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    What has 200 feet and 3 teeth?

    ----
    ---
    --
    -
    The front row at a Willie Nelson concert

  31. #360
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    I was sitting watching TV with a newborn child sat on my lap when suddenly a harp which I had previously bought on a holiday in Greece burst into the room and demanded combat with the child.

    It seemed like a good idea to me, so I said, "Come on baby, fight my lyre!"

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