Page 3 of 25 FirstFirst 1234513 ... LastLast
Results 61 to 90 of 744

Thread: Jokes

  1. #61
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Posts
    4,183
    =D>

  2. #62
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Posts
    774
    At least one of us has entirely too much time on his hands.

    Good show Chuck =D>

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    436
    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck
    vi vi vi - Editor of the Beast
    Nice one!
    sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
    You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex...

  4. #64
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    780
    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Andersson
    sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
    You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex...
    No room for confusion there then.

    Cue Benny Hill music.......

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    12,454
    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Andersson
    You know, in swedish "sex" means both six and sex...
    Reminder to self, add Sweden to vacation next year. 8-[

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Lugano, Switzerland
    Posts
    7,375
    WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?
    A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
    unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
    masculine or feminine.

    Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
    association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English,
    of course, words are of neutral gender.

    Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
    computer?"

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
    groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
    feminine.

    One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
    Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
    feminine gender (la) because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
    memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
    yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
    to in the masculine (le) gender because:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
    but half the time they ARE the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have had a better
    model.

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Lugano, Switzerland
    Posts
    7,375
    After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:

    Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

    Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.

    Ohm resisted the idea at first.

    Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

    Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.

    Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

    Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

    Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.

    Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

    Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.

    Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

    Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    374
    Kepler was pretty ellipital about the party...


    ** Ducks tomatoes **

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant together.

    The waiter comes to the table and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, but due to a shortage, we will be unable to serve meat today."

    The Texan says, "I don't understand. What is a shortage?"

    The Russian says, "I don't understand. What is meat?"

    The New Yorker says, "I don't understand. What is 'Excuse Me'?

  10. #70
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    Bob came home and found his blonde wife searching high and low, all over the living room. Finally he asked her, "What are you looking for?" She answered "Hidden cameras!" He asked, "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?" She replied, "Every few minutes that guy on TV says 'You're watching the NBC Nightly News.' How else can he know what I am watching?"

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    628
    When Chief Sitting Bull was dying he said to his squaw,

    "Please don't go with another man."

    "Oh, I won't." she said to Sitting Bull.

    Then Sitting Bull died and straight away his squaw went off with another man.

    Her name was Lying Cow.

  12. #72
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,379
    After the waters had receded, Noah opened the arc and released all the animals. He stayed on the arc for a while. A few months later he takes a tour of the earth and sees that all the various animals are happily raising young, with one exception. The snakes don't have any babies. He asked them why no babies. They said they needed a tree trunk. Noah didn't know why, but he chopped down a tree for the snakes and went back to the arc. A few months later he checks on things and sees that the snakes have plenty of babies slithering around. He was very happy to see this, but asked why they needed the tree trunk. One of the snakes responded "We're Adders. We need logs to multiply."

  13. #73
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar and says "A pint of lager and a mop please."

  14. #74
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer keyboard?

    He was looking for the space bar!

  15. #75
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    12,454
    A three legged dog walks into a bar, and angrily says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w)!"

  16. #76
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

    Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

    Later, when Bob was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

    Bob said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

  17. #77
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

  18. #78
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    A bloke's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the bloke stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.

    This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

    "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

  19. #79
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

    "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

    "But, where are all your cattle?"

    "None have survived the branding."

  20. #80
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

    "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

    "Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

  21. #81
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    The Valley of the Sun
    Posts
    9,551
    ACTUAL comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness (Bridger-Teton National Forest) registration sheets and comment cards:
    • Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
    • Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
    • Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
    • All the mile markers are missing this year.
    • Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
    • Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
    • Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
    • Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
    • Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
    • The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
    • A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
    • Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
    • Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
    • Need more signs to keep area pristine.
    • A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
    • The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
    • I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
    • Too many rocks in the mountains.

  22. #82
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    563
    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck
    One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

    "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

    "Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
    I remember a funny blond joke from when I was younger:

    Two blonds come across a pair of tracks in the wilderness.

    Blond 1: These are deer tracks!

    Blond 2: No! These are bear tracks!

    Blond 1: NO! THESE ARE DEER TRACKS!!!

    Blond 2: NO! THESE ARE BEAR TRACKS!!!

    And they continued to argue until the train hit them.

    8-[

  23. #83
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Posts
    774
    Get 'em Chuck! Let it all hang out. =D>

  24. #84
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    The beautiful north coast (Ohio)
    Posts
    49,251
    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck
    ACTUAL comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness (Bridger-Teton National Forest) registration sheets and comment cards:
    Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
    I volunteer in the nature center for our county park system. I've actually had people complain that all the trails aren't plowed in the winter. I explain that the cross-country skiers probably would be unhappy if we did that. :-?
    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck
    A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
    When I volunteered at a national park in Louisiana, we had a trail that was a boardwalk that went a mile or so into the bayou. Picture you are in the middle of 10,000 acres of wetland, on a viewing platform. I had a couple of people suggest that an ice cream stand or similar would be nice on the viewing platform. #-o
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  25. #85
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    413
    (Possibly one for Brits only)
    Why did Ali G take up particle physics?
    Because he heard that the neutrino was massive.

    What physical principle states that chickens cannot be created or destroyed?
    Conservation of henergy.

    What do beer and kangaroos have in common?
    Hops.

    My apologies to all for these.

  26. #86
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    1,163
    Quote Originally Posted by Weird Dave
    (Possibly one for Brits only)
    Why did Ali G take up particle physics?
    Because he heard that the neutrino was massive.
    Bo . That was a good one.

  27. #87
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    405
    hah, I have a couple of really bad maths jokes :P -

    Q: Why is halloween the same a christmas?

    A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC


    At the end of the Great Flood, when Noah was releasing all the animals from the ark, he came across two snakes and said "go forth and multiply", but the snakes said "we can't, we're adders" (wait, there's more :P). Noah was a bit perplexed by this and went out to consult with God, and after two days returned to give his answer, but when he entered the room he saw it was filled with with small snakes. Suprised, he says "How did you go forth and multiply? I thought you were adders", and the original snakes reply "Yes, but you left us on a log table".

    [collective groan] :P

    And finally (not maths related):

    Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

    A: Half a dog.

    [ducks]

  28. #88
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    628
    Quote Originally Posted by Bawheid
    Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

    Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
    Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

    (Runs and hides)
    Whit?

  29. #89
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    176
    Scots quite often give words with an 'o' a long 'a' sound. That, and changing the emphasis on "a meringue" should help

  30. #90
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    628
    George Dubya was lying in bed one night with severe worries about his current politics.

    He got up, put his coat on and went for a walk round Washington. He found himself by the Washington Memorial.

    Suddenly he cried out.."What should I do!!?"

    And a ghostly voice came from the Memorial..."..Go to the Jefferson Memorial.."

    He went along to the Jefferson Memorial and again implored.."What should I do!!!?"

    And a voice said "..Go to the Lincolm Memorial.."

    He went on the the Lincoln Memorial, stood there and shouted with all his might..."What should I do!!!??"

    And a voice said......."..go to the theatre...)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes!
    By Fraunkensteen in forum Fun-n-Games
    Replies: 353
    Last Post: 2012-Mar-12, 09:11 PM
  2. Jokes!
    By Fraunkensteen in forum Off-Topic Babbling
    Replies: 275
    Last Post: 2011-Jul-15, 02:20 PM
  3. Old Jokes
    By NEOWatcher in forum Off-Topic Babbling
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 2008-Nov-14, 11:35 PM
  4. new jokes
    By Redrum in forum Fun-n-Games
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 2007-Apr-24, 06:14 PM
  5. Where's the jokes?
    By Lianachan in forum Forum Introductions and Feedback
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 2005-Sep-25, 05:42 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •